And So It Is...

That we here at Final Rose will suck it up on January 4th and tune in to the newest season of The Bachelor on ABC, all because we know that you, our loyal fan base, would be crushed if we didn't continue to blog about the Greatest Show of All Time.

Obviously that is a joke and anyone out there knows that the only reason we watch the show is to fulfill our weekly quotient of cattiness. It's actually great when the show is on because then I have a healthy outlet for being a bitch as opposed to getting snotty with people on the Metro or my grocery checker.

I do, however, say "suck it up" because as I am sure you are aware, we pretty much hate Jake. We have all bemoaned the fact that this is likely to be the most painful season of The Bachelor to date. In fact, I've decided that I am going to start a "retard tingles" tally to count how many times someone in the group gets so embarrassed while watching the show that they either blush, make some sort of "eek!" sound, or have to turn away from the television. Dollars to donuts the count will be in the hundreds by the middle of the season at the latest.

There is a silver lining though, despite all the anticipated cringing, sympathetic embarrassment and retard tingles. This season promises to be quite dramatic, as a teaser on The Bachelor website promises - a woman in the house is going to have a "sexual affair" with someone else in the house! Though the trailer would have you believe two chicks are gonna go at it, this article from AOL (thanks, Mom!) states that the affair is actually with one of the crew members. You know what? I have to say that I'm surprised it took this long. You put 25 slutty, idiotic yet attractive women together in a house with no access to to the outside world and shit is sure to go down. That crew member had it coming.

On top of all of that, from the brief glimpse I got from the trailers at abc.com, these girls look like they are going to be a hell of a lot of fun to talk shit about. I mean, anyone who goes on The Bachelor these days has some sort of mental disability, but these women take the cake. I am basing this assumption purely on the fact that, presumably, these women KNEW the Bachelor was going to be Jake and they signed up on purpose! In fact, I will henceforth call the Bachelorettes "Douchebagettes" in honor of their desire to end up with one of the world's biggest douches.

Some highlights from the Douchebagettes, all of whom you can check out at abc.com - there are of course the requisite:
1) Girls who are far too young to be married
2) Canadians (2 this time!)
3) NBA Dancer
4) Girl with the bitchy face - I'm looking at you, Gia
5) Flight attendant

There are also 3 girls from the Washington area, one of whom is a PILOT! OMG they must have so much in common!! Barf. So anyway, tune in on January 4th at 8/7c to see these and other morons make complete asses of themselves!!

Oh my gosh, and one last thing - this may take the cake for best title for a season ever. We all know that Andy Baldwin's season was cleverly named "The Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman," which we thought was hilarious at the time, as well as Matt Grant's season, entitled "The Bachelor: London Calling." That Chris Harrison just has a mountain of wit, doesn't he? And he really outdid himself this season with this little gem: "The Bachelor: ON THE WINGS OF LOVE." Holy shit, I can't even believe it's true, it's so good.

Memories...

Thank goodness we have Bachelor and Bachelorette moles everywhere these days. And with the season premier only weeks away, their radars are tuned in for all things Bachelor. Including the slightest glimpse of our last season favorite, Reid, on HGTV showing off his real estate professionalism.

The Worst Idea I've Heard In My Entire Life

Is this the worst idea I've heard in my entire life..... or is this? One is hilarious... the other is just laughably sad.

NOOOOOOoooo!

It appears as if our worst fears are coming true. Despite having stated numerous times, on the record, in this highly influential and widely-read forum that we do NOT endorse using someone from Jillian's season as the next Bachelor, it looks like the jackasses at ABC are going to go ahead and do it anyway. From People.com:

Sources tell PEOPLE that Bachelor producers will likely select one of the three runner-ups from the recent edition of The Bachelorette for the job.

The three "runner-ups" they picture in the article are Jake, Kiptyn and Reid. I think that those pictures may be misleading though considering that technically the three runners-up were Wes, Kiptyn and Reid... and I seriously doubt Wes will ever see the small screen again unless it's on one of those "Where Are They Now?" shows and they cover how Wes had to change his name and move to El Salvador to escape the public ribbing he received after appearing on the Bachelorette.

Ok then, if we move back one more round, Michael was actually the one to get eliminated right before Wes. There has been much prophesying in the blogosphere that Michael was going to be the next Bach, so my assumption is that ABC's choice was between Michael, Reid and Kiptyn. I hope to GOD that there isn't a chance it could be Jake. That would be the most painful/awkward/terrible season of the Bachelor ever, given that he is probably the most boring and pathetic hot man to ever walk the planet. But I'm not even going to pretend to be one of those people who gets all "UGH I won't even watch the season if it's him" because all those people are liars and they end up watching anyway and commenting on every entertainment website/blog out there about how pathetic the Bachelor himself and the show in general are. And then I'm the person who feels the need to comment back and be all "If you hate the show so much then why are you watching and taking time out of your busy day to comment on this lame-ass story on usmagazine.com?" It's exhausting!

But anyhoodle, back to the business at hand - the announcement of the new Bach. Remember to watch Dancing with the Wish-They-Were-Stars on October 13th to find out which one of these als0-rans will be the new Big Man on Bachelor Campus. Unfortch that is still 18 days from now, which means I will spend a lot of time between now and then lamenting the fact that I am probably going to be a fucking 70-year old watching the 47th season of the Bachelorette/Bachelor featuring some loser that can STILL be traced back to Brad Wommack. The horror!

The Moment We've All been Waiting For

Here it is, straight from the horse's mouth (or rather, Chris Harrison's tweet):

chrisbharrisonHere it is... The new Bachelor will be announced Tuesday Oct 13th live on "Dancing with the stars" ABC!

So set your DVRs for October 13th-- I want to know if the new Bach would get your first impression rose. Maybe once the formerly-reliable-but-slipping-into-InTouch-territory-publication that is US Weekly gets the scent of new blood, it will finally allow Jilly and Ed to live happily ever after.

And, yes, I follow the greatest host of our time on Twitter. To Jeff Probst I say Emmy-schemmy, you ain't got nothing on Chris.

Current Events

Some updates from the field (i.e. my desk at work):

Despite the rumors that won't stop swirling that Ed cheated, Jillian is moving to Chicago! I obviously have no idea what the truth is about this whole situation, but if he was merely trying to keep some ladies on the back burner at home while he was on the show, more power to him. So what, he said he wasn't attracted to her behind her back and possibly boned some chicks while he was on his hiatus... everybody needs a warm body now and then. It's not that big of a deal and people need to chill. I hope it works out for them.

In other moving news, Molly is finally moving to Seattle! Vomit. I would link to the site where Jason and Molly have their blog, "Jason's Place," but you have to create an account like you're some single mother or something just to log in and read this crap, and it is not worth the effort. So I've posted it here. You can thank me later. Try to ignore the comma splices and remember that this girl is a total idiot.

The past year has been quite a whirlwind for me and Jason. There have been plenty of ups and downs, but never once, did we let the hate or criticism affect how we feel about each other or what we believe in. Amidst all of the pressure, Jason and I felt it was best to take our time and really get to know one another before making any major life decision. Though our time apart has been more than difficult, it brought our relationship to the perfect place that it is.

After a countless amount of flights, thousands of late night phone conversations, and one too many tearful goodbyes, Jason and I are very excited to say that we will finally be able to see each other every single day. I am officially moving out to Seattle at the end of the month and it couldn't come any sooner!

My move will be bittersweet. I am so sad to leave my friends and to be further away from my family, but I am absolutely ecstatic about this next adventure that Jason, Tyler, and I are about to embark on.

Thank you for all of your continued support. I hope to be posting many more blogs as we begin this next step in our lives together.

Molly

And finally... it appears as if we will be back to our regularly scheduled programming come "early 2010!" I sincerely hope that means January. I can barely contain myself... it's about time we get back into the swing of catty, bitter, overly-dramatic commentary. Can't wait!

Everyone Loves a Happy Ending....

It looks like Aaron Buerge may have finally gotten a happy ending.... a mere SEVEN YEARS after he presented the atrociously nasal Helene with a completely non-committal "promise ring". (About 6 months after the final rose ceremony, Helene sold the ring on Ebay, which is much more tacky than poor Jilli's pre-engagement F*bomb.)

People.com reports that he is now engaged. I'm thinking that his new finance looks suspiciously like Brooke, the Alabama Belle who was Season 2's Kiptyn. It makes you wonder what might have been.

The Question Everybody Wants to Know...

"Like how many do you actually sleep with?"

Anderson Cooper asked the question we all want to know... how many of the dudes did Jillian actually sleep with? You've got to assume three, right? I'm sure that's the answer or else Jillian wouldn't have acted so shocked at the question (see below). I love Kelly's face in this picture. Meanwhile Ed's just eating it up... probably thinking to himself, "If only I knew, Anderson, I'd out this bitch right now."


You can see the clip for yourself here. Sadly, though, Anderson didn't take it the next step and ask the question I REALLY want to know... who has the biggest pecker?

One more thing...

All I know is that when this season is over, I hope I never have to see anyone that can be connected back to Brad Wommack with 6 degrees of separation. Please, producers, we love the drama. We love the cliffhangers. We even love Chris Harrison promising every season that this is the "most intense rose ceremony ever." But please do not give us Jake, Tanner P., or Michael as our next Bachelor. If, and only if, you have to choose someone from this past season as our next Bachelor, please let it be David. I swear at the end of that season, Chris Harrison will finally know the meaning of "most intense."

The moment we've all been waiting for...

Ladies and gentlemen, tonight is the night we have all been waiting for. Will it be Kiptyn? Ed? Or will the Bachelor pull one over on us and have it be Reid? As I reflect back on the past few seasons, the Bachelor producers have gotten sneakier and sneakier about saving some major drama for the last episode. Don't get me wrong, we appreciate the cliffhanger shown episode #1 which keeps us guessing all season long. Why else would we have dubbed our blog "the most intense rose ceremony ever"? Nothing quite beats Chris Harrison's voice over during the scenes from next week where he lets us know (just in case we could have possibly forgotten) that we shouldn't miss what's about to happen next. Yes, nothing keeps us on the edge of our seats more than this Bachelor drama but I have to wonder, what other tricks can these producers have up their sleeves? I mean, just as we thought we've seen it all, we are once again bamboozled.

Let me count down my top 5 moments of Bachelor shock:

5. Travis Stork picks Sarah but doesn't propose and instead gives her the ring to wear around her neck!
4. Jen Schefft declines Jerry's proposal on After the Final Rose!
3. Jason dumps Melissa on After the Final Rose for Molly!
2. Brad Wommack chooses nobody!
1. Jillian forgoes a future with Ed for Reid? Just a prediction...I guess only time -- and the clever Bachelor producers -- will tell.

Calling All Philadelphians...

Don't tell him I sent you, but if you want to get in touch with Reid, feel free to reach out here. I think making an appointment to see a house, showing up looking sexy, managing not to let out a high-pitched squeal, and then casually dropping that you're Jewish should do the trick. Let me know how it works out.

Ding Dong! The Wes is Gone. Which old Wes? The Wicked Wes!

Holy hell you guys, I feel like I need to take a shower after last night and Wes's departure. Obviously I am happier than, to use a Texas saying, "a pig in shit" that Wes is gone. But Jillian and Wes's date, his comments at the rose ceremony and his farewell limo ride made me feel physically dirty. I would like to hope, if I were the Bachelorette and I asked a guy how we would make it work if we ended up together, and his answer was "that bird has no foot" while staring off, that I would kick him in his self-righteous Texan head. I have nothing against Texas by any means, but Wes has done your state a disservice, my southerly friends. And you know who else is absolutely disgusting? His girlfriend Laurel and his ENTIRE family that pretended like he didn't have a girlfriend just to get him some publicity. Absolutely loathsome and abhorrent and all those other words in the thesaurus that describe Wes and everything about him. I hope no one out there buys his stupid album. And I also hope that he gets sued by ABC for breach of contract and they take every little cent his ridiculous album may make him. And then he'll not only be famous in Chihuahua, Mexico, but he'll have to move there.

Look at this priceless picture of Reid's face as Wes is saying he's going to go home and "have a lot of sex:"

What in the FUCK?!

I was seriously hoping that one of the guys was going to punch Wes in the throat as he stopped to hug all of them before he departed. But I guess the fact that none of them did shows how classy the remaining three gentlemen really are. I don't know if I would have been able to stop myself from at lest backhanding Westicles across his "love don't come eaaaasssyyyyy" mouth. Anywho, thank God he is gone. And that's all I'll say about that.

Other random thoughts from this episode:

Jillian, in her voice over before her date with Kiptyn, says that sometimes she thinks Kiptyn is out of her league. Come on. I don't have anything against Kiptyn per se, but he is definitely my least favorite out of the remaining three. Not to mention I think of this Separated at Birth every time I think of Kiptyn:

Kiptyn and Dumbo

Ed - You are still my favorite. But if we ever got together (and I think we could make it work, call me!), we would have a serious rift in our marriage for about half the year. The. Cubs. SUCK!!! Do you hear me?! They are terrible and I can't believe you are a Cubs fan. But still, call me.

1908 was a really long-ass time ago, Eddie.

Finally, has anyone ever thought that the music playing in the background whenever the two are discussing the fantasy suite isn't exactly fitting? All of the veiled references to doing the horizontal tango really make me uncomfortable. I mean, if that's what they are implying with the fantasy suite card, why don't they just make it obvious? The music should fit with the mood of the scene - less violins and flutes and more bow chick a bow wow... right?

That's all for this week! I will be out of the country, blissfully laying on the beach come next week's episode. So hopefully my fellow blogettes can fill in during my absence!

Not Even Remotely Identical

Hometown dates have always been my favorite-- mostly because the moms, dads, and crazy boxer wielding grannies only get --literally-- 15 minutes of fame. But they usually use this time wisely and manage to make quite the impression. This year was a bit tamer than usual; the families are less protective of the boys so less threats occur, but that's ok by me… there's enough drama on this season already. Watching this year's crop of families, it struck me how much you can tell about a guy from his siblings… and here's what they had to say this week:

Ed: Ok, we didn't get to meet Ed's family. This was the most depressing thing about this episode (Yes, even more depressing than having Jillian tell Kiptyn's mom that she makes it hard for herself to be happy, then demonstrating exactly what she means by keeping Wes around, again….) I'm sure Ed's family would have loved Jillian, because she's adorable and bubbly. But what I really wanted to know is if Ed has an adorable younger brother. And if he's single.

My future brother in law.

Wes: Watching Wes's sisters swoon over him like the Twilighters over Rob Pattinson, I kind of wanted to gag. Wes is delusional, his family is delusional, and it has worn off on Jillian. So rather than harp on a topic that's been covered, I will say this: If everyone you come in contact with can't stand to be around you, don't flatter yourself, it's probably not jealousy.

Michael: I don't want to say anything negative about the guy who had the classiest, most dignified exit from a reality show ever aired, so I'll say this to Michael's Not-Remotely-Identical Twin: Marriage is not a group sport. All the "We want to be good husbands before We are good fathers…We've always wanted to get married young" stuff was a little confusing. Does Michael want to get married young, or do you want to get married young? Not only are you not identical, but you're also not Siamese. Find your own girl.

Jesse: In keeping with his startling resemblance to Beast - in both human and beast incarnations - Jesse's brother was exactly like a character from a movie… He's that socially awkward sibling you hide except for requisite family events to keep him from making uncomfortable remarks. I mean, since when has "Have you gotten naked yet?" been an acceptable 'getting to know you' question? Think Wedding Crashers. Think the Hangover --This guy totally has a wolf pack. Whatever you do, I would think twice before marrying an apple that fell out of the same tree.

"Laurel" Speaks Out!

And it turns out she's a Bachelor whore...

Couldn't Agree More . . .

LATBACHELORFAN, I completely agree with your sentiments about Wes. Being the big country fan I am, a person could naturally assume I would really like him. But not true at all. I think he is actually sending the wrong message out there to non country fans about the musical genre.

Anyway, on to my rant about Westicles . . . he makes my skin crawl and is an embarrassment to the male gender. I was soooo angry watching the episode this week and I can not believe Jillian can not see how much of a lying bastard he is. Knowing what we know about him and being an observer to this, I can see why this contriving and manipulating excuse for a human being considers himself to not be lying. Everything he has said to her is not technically a lie (well that was until he denied it straight to her face that he has a girlfriend). He just seems to be twisting the facts, leaving out important information, and making very vague claims (like when he said "I don't even know what to say because I've gotten myself so far into this and now it's like I'm stuck here and now I don't know what to do") which our poor Jillian seems to be eating up. Everything he says has a second meaning and Jillian is falling for the wrong one. I mean, come on Jillian, he just told you he didn't want to be here anymore and wasn't expecting to be here this long. All he wanted was his five minutes of fame to promote his music (which I think is going to back fire hardcore on him - even being a big country fan, I'll NEVER buy his album!). Oh an after this comment above when he said he was "stuck" here, he then got defensive and said to her "I'm here for you. And I don't ever want to say that again. I told you that when we were snow skiing. I here for the right reasons. I don't know, I don't know what to say." And all she could say was "I know, I know." URGHH, he makes me so mad! Jillian wake up!!

I knew I didn't like him in one of the early episodes when Jillian asked him about how he would handle girls throwing themselves on him while he's on tour and if he would cheat and his response was, "my girlfriend would just have to be confident in herself." He totally avoided the question and threw to responsibility onto the girl, which is typical behavior of someone lying. My guards went up there against him, I just wish Jillian's had also. And to top it all off, he totally isn't attractive and LATBACHELORFAN is completely right when you say he's boring!

I really really hope that the teaser we saw in the previews for next week of him slipping up and say "my girlfriend, um I mean my ex girlfriend" is true and not just good editing. Please god let it be true and Jillian finally sees his true colors . . .

More From the Peanut Gallery

I apologize for my hiatus last week, I know all three of you probably REALLY missed me. But as DC Bachelor Fan alluded to, I was out on the Left Coast sunning, eating and drinking myself into oblivion. I was far too busy to take time away from that and predicting what celebrity was going to die next to blog. And unfortunately, my ladies back here in DC missed the entire first hour of the show due to a tragedy on DC's Metro system. I am usually able to make light of most situations, but obviously this wasn't funny at all. It's scary, considering I ride that heap of metal every day, and it's sad. We're sorry for all those that were lost.

But anyway, back to blogging. I feel a need to describe how much I hate Westicles. I realize this is very unoriginal in that the entire blogosphere hates him, but I want to add my two cents! Not only is Westicles a dirty rotten scoundrel liar, once again I would like to point out that he is BORING! When he is not singing (the same song over and over), his voice is so monotone. He has absolutely no feeling or inflection in his voice. It's really hard to believe someone that they don't have a girlfriend and care about you when all he has to say is "maybe he misheard me" in a boring robot voice. Misheard you... on more than three occasions?! Come on. Jake may be a snooze-fest, but he ain't no liar. And he ain't deaf. Add to that the fact that Westicles doesn't look her in the eye throughout the entire conversation, and can barely speak for all the throat-clearing, and you have a textbook case of a lying asshole. Case closed, Jill. One final question - was Wes raised by lesbians? Not that there's anything wrong with that, but it was curious that he had a mom, a stepmom, and no dads. And three sisters, all of whom help to inflate his COMPLETELY UNDESERVED humongous ego. Sick. He makes my skin crawl. That is all.

I need to wrap this up, but before I go, I'd like to post something I wasn't able to last week, what I hope was the last in the Parade of Stupid Hats:


And last but not least, my contribution to Separated at Birth:


Balcony Crying Twins: Jake and Jason

Separated at Birth

For any of you political junkies out there (and while this may be a shot in the dark, I'm going to guess that if you're reading the likes of this blog, you probably aren't too much into Roll Call or Politico), a genius political online publication called the Hotline has been known to publish a column called: "Separated at Birth".

Today, I bring you our Bachelor version of this blog:


Jesse's Brother and The Beast



Michael's Mom and Cindy Lou Who



Michael and Michael's Brother



Westicles and Beelzebub



Kiptyn's Mom and Botox Comestic Model Virginia Madsen



Michael's Dad and Koopa Troopa from Super Mario Brothers

Are you taking notes?!?!

An innocent question asked tonight by a newcomer to our Bachelor(ette)-watching festivities had the group aghast – the question being asked with such confusion yet the answer being so simple. “Of course. We blog.” That is the answer most people would expect, right?

Anyway, I have been getting some flak for slacking on my blogging contributions these past few weeks. While others have been gallivanting to the beach, I was traveling for work the past three weeks and only last night was I finally able to catch up with my fellow DC Bachelor Fans. Contrary to what our dedicated readers might think, the ladies of DC Bachelor Fan stardom are all gainfully employed and revered for their work in areas other than blogging. Shocking, you say? Yes, while it might seem ridiculous we would need jobs to keep us afloat in our nation’s capital other than as writers of this masterful blog, it is true that we have been known to foray into the world of accounting, medicine, and public relations. Oh, and we do have a scientist, but doesn’t every group? So now that I have revealed one too many details about our ghost writers, let me get to the juicy stuff.

Despite the rage we felt at Jilli’s idiotic decision to keep Westicles around, nothing, and I mean not even Laurel, could burst our happy little bubbles about the fact that our dear, adorable, scrumptious Ed had returned. Sigh. Swoon. Yes, Ed has had our hearts from the beginning and we praised Jillian for her wise decision to let Ed come back. Because, hell, if she didn’t, I think there would be at least 6 girls on the next plane to Midway hunting down that argyle-wearing cutey. We just hope that our prediction that the only reason Ed came back was because of lay-offs at Microsoft isn’t true.

My Bachelor Wishes

It has been many months since the invitation to join this blog arrived in my inbox. And in my excitement to rehash the bachelor events with my girlfriends, I immediately clicked right in. I remember the silent props I gave myself as I created my blogger name: Here For the Right Reasons. How clever I was.

Although I have been remiss in my participation in this amazing set of weekly posts, I feel that in light of recent events, it is high time that I get involved.

So let us begin with the very issue of my name – here for the right reasons. It is clear that our dearest Jillian is struggling with this exact problem. Who is here for the right reasons? Let me clue you all in – NOT Wes. A note to all future bachelorettes – if the person sings, cut him. He doesn’t actually like you despite pretending to have written that crooning love song just for you. “Love don’t come eeeaasssiiiieeeeeee.” Who needs American Idol when you can get your five minutes of fame on ABC and find true love? Unfortunately for Wes, we’ve heard that clip a few too many times and his potential one hit wonder is already played out.

Now, for some bizarre reason, the “here for the right reason” issue seems to plague us every season (think Graham from Deanna’s season or Ashley from Jason’s season for a few recent examples). So to help clarify how to identify the true bachelor faker, I submit to you loyal readers:

YOU KNOW HE’S HERE FOR THE WRONG REASONS WHEN:

1. He sings. I feel compelled to mention this again, but refer to previous paragraphs above. The only caveat to this rule is Tina from Lt. Andy Baldwin’s season. That rendition of the National Anthem was nothing but pure patriotism.

2. He has a girlfriend. I know this comes as a shocker, but this show is actually aired on TV! People will see whatever you do and say. Amazing concept, I know.

3. He just got out of a long relationship. Have you never heard of a rebound? Hello, break-up 101. With this particular reason, the person is either desperate or ready to throw the breakup in the ex’s face. Neither goes well for our bachelor(ette). As if after dating someone for numerous years and realizing they aren’t ready for the “next step” this person is going to find a forever mate in a 6 week competition.

4. His mother airs on the first episode. Her ticking grandmother time clock does not mean you want to fall in love with our bachelorette. It means you are desperate and can’t find someone cool on your own – probably because of your overbearing mother.

And the 5th way you know he’s here for the wrong reason (and this one drives me nuts):

5. He’s “never” been rejected before. Ok, if you have never been rejected it makes no sense that you would be on this show. First, you would have already found someone as great as Jill without the help of ABC, helicopter rides (which we’ve had too many of this season), and a load of alcohol. Second, true love is not a competition people!

Now, regardless of the fundamental flaw of this show (finding true, everlasting love in less than 6 weeks on international television), I am holding out faith that Jill will find her future husband. And we have some legit options working for us: Jake (nicest person ever), Jesse (I’ll drink wine with you), and Reed (hottie and I don’t even like glasses)!

All this being said, it brings us to our most critical topic that has been tormenting us all week: Ed’s devastating departure. What is this guy thinking leaving a reality show where he is vying for make-out sessions with ten other dudes to pursue a great career in a crappy economy? Doesn’t he care at all about his future? Did Jillian ever think that maybe he has a real J-O-B and doesn’t want to make lame cameos on daytime talk show for the next few years? Yeah, really poor decision there, Ed; way to be a responsible adult.

I did take serious pleasure though out of Chris Harrison’s cut on Jason that Jillian was more upset to see Ed go. (LOVE Chris Harrison!!) In thinking further about this, if I found a magic bachelor lamp, I think I’d first ask the genie inside to let me be Chris Harrison for a day. Just a single rose ceremony is all I want. Then I’d ask for the genie to set Ed up with LATBachelorFan.

At first, I thought my third wish would be for Dave to get anger management help before he kills Juan. But then I considered all the clips of the killing, trial, and jail check-ins that we’d receive over the next few years and I changed my mind. That could be interesting. So next I considered that perhaps my third wish should help Tanner P. The poor guy is SO paranoid after spilling the girlfriend beans to Jill, and I feel my wish might also help relieve him of his creepy foot fetish. But then I’m not sure anything can help with that, so I don’t want to waste my last wish. And thus I arrive at my final decision: my third wish is for Wes to come down with permanent laryngitis. Then maybe the other guys would like him, Jillian wouldn’t, and he’d be gone once and for all.

So as I sign of from my first blogging experience, I leave you all with high hopes for next Monday. And with aspirations for figuring out exactly who is here for the right reasons…

$3000 for a comforter?!?!?!

Let me back track. A few weeks ago some of the DC Bachelor Fans met a former Bachelorette star and were initially impressed with her sparkly personality and adorable dress. Well, our informants (and we have many throughout the country), have relayed to us that this former star has all of her clothes provided to her for her various events by a top notch retailer. (See LATBachelorFan's post, I am trying to be discreet here.) Well, our spy tells us that DiDi threw a temper tantrum over the dress which we actually loved and because the retailer had made such a HUGE mistake by outfitting her in this frock, she insisted they make it up for her by GIVING her a $3000 comforter. I'm sorry, but despite how famous you think you are, humility is the most attractive quality of all and we're worried you might never find love unless you find some of that first. Amen sisters.

Straight From the Horse's Mouth

We were obviously all crushed at Ed's early departure on last night's episode. In fact, I've been so upset about it I couldn't even bring myself to blog today until this late in the day; I'm speechless. Either that, or I actually have a "job" and "responsibilities" which have kept me from writing today. Take your pick. Ironically, my job has kept me from blogging about someone whose job kept them from possibly finding TRUE LOVE in just 2 months on national television. Fancy that.

I think that, for as many people as have called Jillian "needy," - you know who you are and I am giving you a cyber stink eye right now - that Jillian is actually a strong, independent woman with a good head on her shoulders. Ok, so last night she did fish for a compliment on her date with Jesse by calling herself "fat." Although it is annoying that she is rail-thin and calling herself fat, who hasn't been on a drinking and eating binge over a vacation and come home feeling like a total heifer? Not to mention Jillian is a woman, and women... well, we can be annoying sometimes and do things like talk in baby voices and fish for compliments and heck, even be a little "needy" from time to time. But I feel like as long as Jillian continues to act seemingly normal and doesn't refer to herself in the third person, set up challenges in which she is the "prize" or talk endlessly about how "famous" she is when she is hosting a bridal event at the Chevy Chase Bloomies (cough cough choke choke gag Deanna Pappas), I will continue to give Jilly the benefit of the doubt. In fact, I think she explains her feelings about Ed's departure very well in her own words on her blog, albeit through the use of emoticons:

Now let’s talk about the big drama of the episode … Ed leaving Wow, that was so heartbreaking. I truly hadn’t felt that sort of heartbreak since I was in high school. It definitely made me open my eyes, and moving forward, [I'm] taking no relationship for granted. It’s the hardest time to lose someone, because it is too early to tell if they are the “one” but you also know you are developing true feelings for them. I couldn’t give Ed that guarantee at that point, so all I could do … was let him go.

Ed really was put between a rock and a hard place. As much as he thinks Jillian is a cool girl, realistically all she was at this point was a possibility and a crush, and who quits their job over a crush?! Although I am sure Patti Stanger would disagree, you shouldn't throw away your entire life for the possibility of love. I think it's great that Ed kept things in perspective and didn't ditch his successful job for a 10% possibility that he would be last man standing. Sucks for Ed, sucks for Jillian, but that's life. For the record, though, Ed's boss sounds like a slave-driving prick. Thanks a lot asshole boss!! May your romantic karma come back and bite you in the ass...

Also on this week's episode, the Bachelors kept the parade of stupid hats alive and well. The only thing that could be worse than this:


is this:


But I'm sure those crazy Bastard Bachelors will prove me wrong next week... until then!

Angry Dave "Comes Clean"

As I occasionally stumble upon the Bachelor, Bachelorette and Chris Harrison blogs during my visits to People.com, I happened to come across Dave's effort to clear the air about his seemingly explosive personality. Dave begins that "there is a lot more to me than what you saw on TV" and proceeds to describe what he believes is his true self - including his role as the guy who "befriended the producers." Really? If his angry persona was in fact "contrived," who does he think carried out this objective...

Unfortunately for Dave, his appeal to the public didn't have quite the same effect as he planned. Inevitably, an angry "famous" (a nod to one of our new acquaintances) person will always end up showing his or her true colors. In some cases, they often reveal more about themselves than they anticipated in an effort to show what "the camera never captured." The traits he tries to convince America are "the real him" were not the positive ones he was hoping for. Dave describes himself as "upbeat and outgoing." Perhaps by "upbeat," he means he would like to "up and beat" someone (most likely Juan)? While he tried to downplay his statement "I want to kill Juan" by saying "that doesn't mean I want to kill Juan," I'm not sure Juan, the other housemates, or the viewers, would agree. He also reveals that he is not at all the shy, tongue-tied bachelor that Jillian found endearing, leading her to pin him with the "first impression rose." So I guess that makes him a liar? Or at the very least, disingenuous? In addition, he refers to himself in third person, and we all know the tendency of certain self-involved people to take this approach.

Let's hope Dave enrolls in anger management classes soon - and when he graduates, hopefully his "comeback" in People will feature a picture of him kissing a puppy.

The List Continues....

To pick up where LATBachelorFan left off, I have a few superlatives to add to the list:

Most Over-Used Phrase on The Bachelorette: Not Here for the Right Reasons (see also: Here for the Right Reasons). Since ABC has apparently taken away Chris Harrison's right to use his ace in the hole: "Coming up, the most intense rose ceremony ever," this Bachelor catch phrase takes the cake. The beauty of this sentence is that it implies that you care for the rose-giver, without actually meaning anything at all. Never has this statement been more meaningless than on this season, when Jilli's interpretation of being here for the right reasons means that you've been hurt before and are here to find a rebound girl - unless, of course, you are hot like Kiptyn or have a music career to launch like Westicles.

Most Likely to End Up in the Real World House: David. Ok, so he's way past the right age to be on MTV, but with his boozing, fighting, and general warped world view, David is the perfect candidate to be one of the seven strangers. If, by completely lacking a personality, Juan was able to work him into an alcoholic rage, think what the fire starters they generally put in the Real World House could do. The one thing standing in his way of moving into Dupont Circle is his vocabulary. I mean, even MTV has decency standards. Maybe Dave needs to go wash his mouth out with tequila. Again.

Most Incestuous Bachelor Family: Brad--Deanna--Jason--Jillian. I will be the first to admit that I was excited when they announced that Jillian would be the newest Bachelorette. But, the past few seasons of the Bachelor/Bachelorette are starting to feel like a bad dream -- where characters from different facets of your life mix together until you wake up in a panic that your cougar aunt might actually be hooking up with your boss. This feeling of character de ja vu was only compounded with Melissa's never-ending cameo on Dancing with the Stars. ABC, take note, I will continue to watch Jillian, because I care about true love and happiness, but after this, it's time for some fresh meat, please.

Best Ever Party Trick: Robby. I don't know how he made it happen, but when Robby caught a cherry on a toothpick, I fell in love, just a little bit.

Another Day, Another Douchebag

The drama really got kickin' on this week's episode of The Bachelorette. Despite Deanna Pappas's opinion that Jillian's season is "boring," we politely disagree. That statement among others will be covered in a later post - let's just say some of the DC Bachelor Fans met Ms. Pappas and she is just as self-important and smug in person as she was on the show. Narcissistic former Bachelorettes aside, let's move on to dissecting this week's episode! I'd like to hand out a few awards to the Bachelors:

Worst Attempted Pick-Up Line: Jillian. Her statement to Kiptyn that all he needs to do is "look in a mirror" to see the type of looks she likes in a guy was kind of bush league. And Jill, if what you really desire in a man are huge Dumbo stick-out ears, then I guess Kiptyn and Tanner P. will be the final two. Yikes. Let's leave the pickup lines to the men and you just keep being your sweet little kissing slut self.

Worst Appearance of a Newsboy Cap: Jesse. Despite his attempt to channel Christian Bale's character (Jack Kelly) in Disney's 1992 musical smash "Newsies," I still think Jesse is entirely crushable. But one more stint with a newsboy cap and I'm going to have to start questioning his sexuality. Admittedly, I don't think there's a whole lot to choose from out on those vineyards in the middle of nowhere other than sweaty fieldhands, so perhaps I'm not too far off base here... Then again, his kiss with Jill on the yacht looked very enjoyable - the DC Bachelor Fans agree that so far this season that kiss has been the least cringe-worthy (for some reason I can't stand watching the makeouts on this show and ususally end up closing my eyes or hiding behind a pillow, but this one I watched with eyes wide open). I will continue to hold out hope for Jesse and Jilly.

Most Likely To Make a Comeback: Michael. Michael seemed to be the only guy who actually cared that Jillian was on the curling date. Everyone else was too absorbed in shit-talking and endzone dancing to care that she was standing right there! Michael was the only one to take advantage of her presence by repeatedly hugging her because she was "cold..." I guess that's what happens when you wear ass-hugging spandex to the ice rink?

Most Egregious Overstatement: Jake. He had this to say about their one-on-one date: "It made my year, it made my life." Ok, Mr. Perfect. We get it. You think you're perfect and you have to drive home that sentiment with being all sensitive and overly stating how you feel about Jillian after knowing her for TWO WEEKS. Give the perfect act a rest and do something like fart or pick your nose in front of Jilli; maybe then she will actually end up liking you! A holier-than-thou attitude will get you nowhere with this feisty Canuck.

Dumbest Statement: Mike. "This is like a one-on-one date just split in half." No shit. That's why it's called a two-on-one date, you moron. No wonder she sent you packing in a gondola... and not a moment too soon (see below).

First Drop of the L-Word: Mike. Before he is sent packing, Jimmy Bagadonuts claims that he is "falling in love with Jillian." And it begins. I think episode 4 is a little early for this word to be tossed about, but someone had to be the first one! Jimmy, there are plenty of infintely classy ladies back on The Island who I am sure would be overjoyed to have you and your perfectly quaffed hair say this about them. Best of luck, sir.

Funniest Wes-Bash of the Night: Ed. Ed's statement that Wes is a "country singin' turd" is just another reason why we love this guy. It almost forgives his borderline douchey question earlier on in the episode about whether or not the hotel has a hottub...

Noblest Self-Destruction: Tanner P. For everything we've said about Tanner P. and his disgusting toe sucking obsession, I think that he really did Jill a favor by telling her that some guys have girlfriends. He knows he isn't going to be the last man standing, and he is just trying to help a sister out! Which I am sure he has already begun to regret after what seemed like an hour-long standoff at the rose ceremony, only to be followed with Jillian's Spanish Inquisition that will take place on a snowmobile on next week's episode. Good deeds never go unpunished, do they?

Best Impression of a Private Investigator: Chris Harrison. Chris's statement that they will "get to the bottom of this" girlfriend situation was priceless. And according to his blog entry this week, Chris was good and pissed off for Jill after this bomb was dropped at the cocktail party. Chris really is the master at making awkward situations even more awkward... who can forget "Who else here has a problem with Meghan?" from Jason's season? We love you Chris! Keep it coming!!

The Lion, The Witch, and the Bachelorette....

Totally agree, NotCrazyEnough, let's call a spade a spade and just say it: Jillian cut Sasha because it was just too ridiculous to keep him. Setting aside the name, (which does merit a couple of ridiculous points), his uncanny resemblance to Mr. Tumnus would make kissing him completely uncomfortable. Unfortunately, I think its his awkwardly geometric hair which brings to mind creatures from Narnia…NOT his resemblance to James McAvoy.

Hypocrite or Not?

I know I missed our group viewing this past week, but I do care about Jillian, Jillian's happiness, and Jillian finding true love.

That said, I kind of think she was a hypocrite last week. Did anyone else realize that both Sasha and Kiptyn basically said the same thing, that they have never been in love and that they were always the heart breakers? Yet, our dear Jillian kicks Sasha to the curb for saying it and decides to swoon over Kiptyn for it. Obviously the physical attraction and chemistry is there between Kiptyn and the leading lady, but how can you turn a blind eye to the same statement out of his mouth that you just kicked a cute guy home for? Don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with her letting Sasha go, I just think she should have said it was because she didn't want to make out with him instead of coming up with the excuse that he hasn't been in love before and she couldn't live up to his expectations. I think Jillian thought that Sasha couldn't live up to her expectations in bed! I seem to think her libido seems to be ruling her decisions for now.

Ed is definitely my fave so far in this game. Although his kiss did seem to be a weak kiss and no girl likes a weak kiss. We all want to be blown away by an amazing kiss. So, Ed step up the game with your make out skills so that our dear Jillian keeps you around!

Yeah, and I'm looking for a Tyrannosaurus Rex

Sorry Sasha, but we knew you were cooked the moment you told Jilli you were looking for a mythical unicorn. While it reminded me of one of my favorite Irish Drinking Songs ("The Unicorn Song"), I just couldn't handle, like Jilli, Sasha's desire to find someone so perfect. Setting himself up for disappointment -- because we ladies are crazy bitches.

My amiga LATBachelorFan really covered a good deal of ground in her post so let me just add a few points:

1. Ed won me over when he talked about his love for karaoke saying - "its not about being good, its about thinking you're good." Let's just hope that motto doesn't carry over into his bedroom skillz. I actually just blushed writing that sentence. Man, Ed really has a hold on me.

2. Dave needs to enroll in Anger Management AS SOON AS POSSIBLE for the sake of all living creatures. I am just thankful there isn't a little puppy living in that house because god help that pup if he tried to snuggle up to Jill or steal Dave's 1-on-1 time. I have no doubt in my mind that Dave has drowned puppies.

3. Dave needs to get over the fact that Juan "faked a shot". I mean, how old are you? Really? Why are you taking shots in the first place? I mean, I know the DC Bachelor Fans like to enjoy some jello shooters every once and a Monday but do adult men really need to take shots to be masculine? Dave - get over it. You scare me. And the puppies.

4. Mike, my fellow New Yorker. There is a name we call guys like you back on the Island (Staten, Long, or Manhattan, take your pick!) - and that is Jimmy Bagadonuts. Jilli's Canadian accent is way too cute and your NY attitude will never fly up with the Canuks. Sorry buddy, but I predict your end is near. I'm sure you'll find a lovely New York girl with long dark hair who is tan year-round and whose name is Marissa. She works at the salon around the block. Try there.

5. Can Ed be any cuter? Swoon. PLEASE, for all things sacred, don't turn out to be a d-bag.

And finally, the moment of truth.

6. Every time I heard Wes sing his STUPID song, I kept thinking - I've heard this somewhere before. These lyrics sound familiar. This tune sounds familiar. And then it hit me: Listen to Wes' inspiration. Yes, our boy Wes stole his lyrics from the legendary Supremes. C'mon dude, if you are going to plagiarize, know your audience.

Okay, one more thing.

7. We love it how Tanner P. looks so dejected in this scene that we had to capture it for our audience.

Getting to Know You, Getting To Know All About You...

Getting to like (some of) you, getting to know you like feet...

This week on the Bachelorette, we continued to get to know the Bachelors, and I finally feel like I can actually tell most of them apart. While 30 men was a bonus for Jillian, it has been more confusing for the audience, specifically those of us who guzzle wine through the entire episode and mostly talk over the show and each other. Wine chugging and fuzzy memories aside, I think our little group will agree with me when I choose to categorize the remaining Bachelors into four categories: the good, the bad, the downright ugly and the departed.


The Good:
Ed - I won't explain in detail the amount that we were gushing over Ed last night. Suffice it to say that he rose (no pun intended, heh) very quickly to the top of our favorites list, and when he was speaking it was one of the only times throughout the night that we actually shut up. Because we were too busy blushing and giggling at the TV to say anything, besides the obligitory "I love him!" everytime they showed his face.
Jake - Still one of our frontrunners even though he wasn't really featured this episode. I still question his sincerity but he is a favorite of other members of our group so...
Jesse - Also not really featured too much this episode, but his Chris O'Donnell-looking mug deserves to stay around until the end if only for the fact that he is cute as a button! He better get an alone date next week.
Kiptyn - Although I still think that Kiptyn looks like a guy I happened to drunkenly make out with once at a jorts party and that he has big ears, again other members of the group seem to be fans, so here he remains.
Reid - Reid really started to show his personality this week, and he was JUST about to make a move on Jilli when Juan the Funky Homosapien chose that exact moment to interrupt. Come on, man! I want to see Reid in action! Fingers crossed for next week...
Robby - Despite the fact that he essentially admitted to not having kissed a woman in two years (how is that possible, by the way? I can't go two weekends without kissing someone...), we still think Robby is the poop.

The Bad:
Mark - Mark has solidified himself as "Who IS That Guy" in our group. Literally every time they showed his face one of us would scream that out, and we weren't even doing it to be funny. I mean, come on dude, get yourself out there, talk about the weather, pizza, SOMETHING!
Michael - I don't think that Michael is a match for Jillian, and that is why he appears in this category. However, he does serve as comedic relief throughout the episodes, and for that I am thankful... his stiff ape-lip impersonation of Brad's kiss with Jillian was not only accurate but hilarious.
Mike - I think unfortunately for Mike his speedo trick and recreation of Brokeback Mountain will be all that fills his 15 minutes of fame. Sorry, buddy.

The Ugly:
Douchebag Dave - I really don't think I need to fill too much space here with lamentations about this bull in a china shop and his seemingly endless supply of rage. I'll just leave you with some documentation of his face twitch that occurs when he is good and pissed:

Wowzers.

Juan the Funky Homosapien - So the majority of the group seem to think that Juan plays for the other team, but I am pretty sure that he is just asexual. Which is easier to picture, Juan masturbating to another man or him just masturbating to himself in the mirror? I choose option B. Also, Dave's main gripe against Juan is that he is there "for the wrong reasons." Dave, no, he is NOT there for the wrong reasons, he just happens to be a choch-bag, or a cheesedick, or what you would call a "cheeseass," ok? Don't get it confused.
Tanner P. - So obviously Tanner P.'s foot soliloquy was possibly the funniest moment of the season to date. The only thing that confused me about the toe suck dance was that in his modern dance movements of sucking toes, he made it appear that Jillian's toes were like, really, really, long. So now I can't stop picturing him sucking these really long toes, belonging to some creature out of a Roald Dahl book or something. I wonder what he would do if he knew I could pick up a roll of quarters with my foot...
Wes - In addition to being a total creeper (as well as a lyrics thief, which I will leave to you, DCBachelorFan), Wes is also boring, which I just realized this week. When he's not singing and my blood isn't boiling, he's talking and I'm snoring. Also I can't believe how effing NAIVE Jillian is being about this guy! I mean come on... "I want to play my song for you again." It's not so that he can make you swoon, Jilli, it's so that he can attract the attention of whatever record producer who maybe wasn't paying attention the FIRST 100 FUCKING TIMES HE PLAYED IT. Wake UP sister!! End rant.

The Departed:
Sasha - Alright, I feel really bad for this guy. Not only was his rejection the first "recession era" rejection we've seen on public transportation, but Jillian made a realllly bad decision eliminating this guy just because he hasn't been in love yet or whatever BS reason she used. That may be an understandable elimination to make if you are down to 10 or 5 or whatever, but when you have an entire stockpile of douchebags just begging for elimination back at the house?! Totes harsh, Jilli.
Brad - Peace be with you, sister kisser. I can promise this will be the last time I ever think of your gross face.
Tanner F. - Poor guy. Jillian didn't even give him a chance. And I will reiterate what I said about the stockpile of douches at the ready (reference "The Bad" and "The Ugly" above).

Hopefully next week our leading lady starts making some wiser decisions. I am not ready to give up on her yet, but I am just waiting for her otherwise great taste to start reflecting itself in her taste in men (ADORABLE onesie, by the way, Jilli!!). Next week looks to be quite a thrilling epidsode... who knows, perhaps this could even be the first "most dramatic rose ceremony EVER" this season! Which guys have girlfriends? Will Dave slit Juan's throat? Will Mike and Mike decide they like each other better than they like Jillian? Tune in next week to find out!

Quotes from Last Night

Some choice quotations from the show last night:

"You guys are gonna hang out in here without Jill while I go in the vault and have dinner with Wes." - Jillian explaining what was about to go down at the end of the scavenger hunt date. Ok, Jill, talking about yourself in the third person is the first step towards beginning to act like Deanna "It's All About Me" Pappas. PLEASE for the love of God try and stay grounded despite this unique situation. You are cute but you ain't all that and nothing is more of a turnoff than a girl with an overblown ego. Let's just keep this whole thing in perspective, sister.

"Yeah, I'd definitely like to get married at--" Jillian being interrupted by Jake kissing her in the middle of a sentence. I can't decide if that was cute or creepy. I think I'm coming down on the cute side of the fence, but there was something about it that was a little too contrived, and I'm not sold on Jake. A total hottie but seems a little too intense for having known Jillian for 2 days. This dude either has the marriage bug real bad or he just wants to "win" Jillian because he is competitive but doesn't end up actually liking her.

"It's not too early for a poem." - Juan, discussing strategy with the rest of the guys before their date. What?! I am going to go out on a limb here and say that it is always too early for a poem. Jill is no Trista; you can't get to her heart through some ill-rhyming verse you throw together. I hope that for Jill's sake this poem never comes to fruition. Juan is such a slick little creeper, I cannot wait until he is sent home. And in that same vein...

"He should go drown himself." - Dave in regards to Juan. This guy Dave has some serious rage issues, but I would be lying if I said we were not cracking up every time he opened his mouth. His incessant threats of violence to Juan were pretttty hilarious, albeit frightening (look at those crazy eyes! <-----). We also liked "If I could punch someone, it'd be Juan."

"I stopped focusing on what he was saying because I just wanted to make out with him." - Jillian in reference to Kiptyn. While on the one hand I commend Jill for going to what she wants and just leaning in to all these guys to make out, I would hate for the guys to be turned off by her being so forward. I am all for her gettin' it done, but perhaps she can sometimes let the men make the first move too.

"I'm hung like a light switch." - Brian describing his inch long-penis after taking a naked dive into the pool at the rose ceremony. This quote had us both laughing and confused. For a second we were like, wait is that good or bad? A light switch because it would turn her on? Or the literal size of a light switch, aka 1 inch? We realized that he must have meant size when Jilli gave him the boot last evening. A woman after my own heart, judging a guy harshly on penis size. Props, Jill!

Large feet, amazing insight...

Some of our most committed audience (thanks BM!), have read about our great friend with the large hoofs. Well until Monday, she has been hiding some of the zingers that make her so much fun to watch the Bachelor with. It has been said that I steal other people's material and if you had friends as funny as mine, so would you. So at this time, I bring you some of my favorite one-liners from other members of our Bachelor-watching clan.

"What kind of airline pilot is such a nerd that they use the term aviation?"

"Mathue looks like a retarded teddy bear."

"Jesse's eyes are a bit close together. Perhaps a sign of fetal alcohol syndrome. I mean, his family does own a vineyard." (But he is NO Andrew Firestone, that's for damn sure)

And finally, since when does someone who speaks English need SUBTITLES?? It's not like he was the Italian chick from Lorenzo's season in Italy who actually spoke a different language. This guy, while a bit oversized and somewhat creepy, speaks our language. Are Americans that dumb that we can not just listen a little harder or use the replay button on our DVRs to understand someone from where our mother tongue was created? Geesh. Off soapbox.

Taking notes...

Yes, literally. I take notes during the Bachelorette. And not like at work where I take notes to look like I'm super interested in a meeting about how to book conference room space in our office. I realized that the reason I take diligent notes during the Bachelorette (and Bachelor) is because I NEED to. I get too tipsy drinking wine with my other DC Bachelor Fans that if I didn't take notes, I wouldn't remember a damn thing. Which is why it took me a while to make this post. I mean, I can barely read my own hand writing. (See pic. I think the one note says, "Only foreigner, only giant." That is kind of funny actually. I wish I knew if I thought of that myself or stole that material from someone else. I cannot identify what I wrote next to the number I assume is a 15. Tanner P. perhaps?) And I usually have amazing penmanship. To the point where it looks slightly like a 12 year old girl's handwriting and sometimes people hold their breath to see if I'll dot my "i" with a heart...but I digress. Moving on to my assessment of the Bachelorette premier. The moment we all had been waiting for was a bit of a let down. I miss the days of Deanna announcing, "and if you win this challenge, you get to spend more time with me." She really did love herself. Jilli is much more laid back and undemanding of these men's attention. She needs to get a bit more feisty in order for this season to get back on track. A (male) friend of mine, also an avid watcher of the Bachelor, whose name will remain nameless, has often commented on the reason the Bachelorette is never as juicy as the Bachelor. His assessment is that guys are too laid back to get catty, gossip behind each other's backs, and generally create the drama we all know and love. Does this group of gentlemen have any of those qualities we need to keep our attention?

Who IS that guy?

Jillian has the whole girl-next-door thing down pat, and that's really why we love her. That and her incredible wardrobe are what make me want to be her friend. Maybe one day she'll let me borrow her pink gloves and we'll go to a Nitty Gritty Dirt Band concert.... So, its hard to blame her for making a few mistakes, since we've all been there at 4am with the beer goggles on; But at least we're not in for another season of "You're not paying enough attention to me" temper tantrums. So, yes - there were a few disappointments: The poor white dress choice, for one. Not only did the dress get ruined before the Bachelors even got there (not that they noticed), but it was also a little too Wedding Day symbolic for my taste; - there were a few great calls: Ed and Jake are warring for the title of My Favorite; I love these two almost as much as I love WHEAT THINS. But there were also a number of decisions which left me perplexed… and that's what worries me.

For at least 3 of the guys Jillian chose, I remember thinking "Who IS that guy?" Apparently at some point, Brad revealed that he was the avid pole-vaulter (see deleted scenes at EW); and I imagine that she and Reid connected over something, but I didn't see it. So, in theory, it was nice of ABC to give our gal Jill more men, but in reality, there was too much going on. Jill missed out on the creepy foot-fetish signals from Tanner P., and we missed out on whatever seemingly hilarious conversation about being a foreigner that Jill might have had with Simon. To make matters worse, four guys aren't even going to get to go on dates next week. How is a person supposed to find love on national television in 13 weeks without a little QT?

Sadly, No Disco Ball Trophy For Melissa

Former Bachelor contestant Melissa received third place on the Dancing With the Stars finale last night. I will now admit that I have been loosely following this show this season since Melissa was on it and I do feel bad for her and wish her the best. Even though she got third place, I guess on the bright side at least she didn't get first place and then get demoted to second place 6 weeks later? Congratulations, Melissa! Your dances were always spot-on and you looked fabulous, if at times a little vampire-ish (and your partner was constipated)!

First Impressions

Dearest Jillian,

I agree with the overarching theme from the season premiere last night - people deserve a second chance before you judge them based solely on your first impression of them. So, just as you forgave Douchebag Dave for his embarassing, cringe-worthy first impression and gave him the First Impression Rose, so will I forgive you and your show for the sour first impression I have been left with.

Forgivings aside, Jill (or should I call you Jilli, an apparent new nickname that our buddy Chris Harrison has coined), - WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?! Seriously, you sent at least 2 (maybe 3, maybe 4, depending on your opinion) guys packing who had some real potench! Obviously we know I am mainly talking about Caleb here, but Bryce was a cutie, some people seemed to like Kyle's hipster jacket/pants/shoes, and despite the fact that John H. looked at times like he wanted to eat your face, he was adorable. Big mistake(s). Huge.

I would think that in a group of THIRTY men, when all you need to do is send home TEN, this job should be pretty easy. If it were me, I would just get hammered - a task you seemed to excel in, actually - and let my beer goggles do the choosing... as in, just send home the 10 guys who, even once you are significantly drunk, you still don't want to make out with. Easy enough right? But I will give you props for giving Stephen the boot... I don't know if there's enough wine or vodka or even roofies that would get me drunk enough to want to make out with that guy. Receding hairline, inflated unnecessary ego and an annoying New York accent? That's a dealbreaker, ladies!

Anyway, I guess the damage is done and I'll quit dwelling on the past (but if you ever speak to Caleb again, seriously tell him to email me - dcbachelorfans (at) gmail (dot) com). Besides the fact that you're left with half the male population of Texas and two guys named Tanner, I do think there are some gems in the group. So don't eff this one up, ok? I don't care how nice or sweet a guy is, you should still want to dry hump him in a hot tub, right? Let's keep the rest of the hotties around - no need to make a Deanna-esque mistake and end up with an unattrative stoner just because he was nice to you. Here is our list, in no order of preference, of favorites for you:

Ed - Seemingly innocent and sweet, and easy on the eyes
Jake - Despite the fact he is a pilot and one member of our group seems to think pilot = cheater, he is a hottie
Jesse - Chris O'Donnel lookalike AND the owner of a vineyard? Yes, please
Mark - Well, we just really like pizza

...And that's all I can really remember at this point because by the end of the show we were in the midst of a heated debate about what is better, Triscuits or Wheat Thins? Unfortunately this debate ended in a tie and we STILL do not have a definitive answer. Feel free to weigh in with your vote and set the record straight.

Until next week,
LATBachelorFan