At Long Last--My Thoughts on EVERYTHING

Preface: I cannot express how sad I am to have to watch the Bachelor each week...alone (sigh, quite a different alone time than that cherished by the Bach ladies), especially when I know all of you are gathered together in DC watching, gossiping, laughing, and pausing the DVR for LATBachelorFan's photo ops. I do sometimes feel like I am there. When I read about mammoth feet ruining a grand tv moment, I know what it would be like to be there. I think of those mammoth feet next to my own freakish hooves and almost shed a tear that I cannot play mamma foot/baby foot with dear friends every Monday. But, I digress. All of this embittered, emotional rambling, though appropriate in tone, is still off subject. I realize this will probably be my first and last post and that there is a lot to cover in regards to this historic and most intense season ever, so let us begin!

First, I find the most appropriate place to begin is my own sweet home: Alabama. We have brought you the likes of the Tragic Widow and bubbly Brooke, and I think Chris Harrison would be the first to admit that the Bama girls sure know how to bring on the crazy...the crazy essential to a successful bachelor season. WHY? Why does Alabama have to be the state leading the charge in reality tv comic genius and ultimate awkwardness? Where are you Mississippi? Well, whatever the reason, Stephanie put Brooke's stepdaddy's shrine to Bama to shame. Between bringing bags of jewelry, dressing Sophia in what have to be doll's clothes, promising to pleasure her man in a way that makes testicles accross the nation recede, and hitting high notes the likes of which make those testicles vow never again to drop, she takes the cake. Oh, and did I mention a face that looks like Scarlett O'Hara stuck her head out of a Boeing 747 midflight. Well, Stephanie, you are at least sweet as pecan pie, so for that I salute you. It could be worse. In fact, I'll bet the next ambassador from this great state will be some KKK backwoods vigiliante, so I guess I should, like Stephanie, thank God and count my blessings.

Second, I did come up with a couple of nicknames. The first I feel bad even mentioning because it belongs to our beloved Jill, but I still have to do it. After she decided to ride Jason's pony Ginuwine style in the romantic getaway date--by far my favorite part of any bachelor season--she couldn't escape getting a nickname: The Horny Mounty. Get it?? She's Canadian and mounted Jason?? I love explaining my own jokes. Well, speaking of ponies. Moll sure does love that side pony frizzed to all hell. I loved it too in 4th grade and tacky prom. Now in 2009, when I'm on a romantic date, not so much. I will say that coif paired with her toothy grin and always saccharine demeanor probably won her a Little Miss Grand Rapids back in the day. So, Molly I crown you Tacky Prom Queen. But, wait...no, no, no. It's not JUST the hair that sets her apart. What about her love of golf?? A love that got Jason to admit Ty was practically raised on the golf course--mahahaha, we love the driving range! Well, I love the country club, ahahaha!! That reminds me of a sorority mixer: Tennis Hoes and Golf Pros. Oh wait, and wasn't she the one to do the walk of shame. Seems to me our girl Molly has made herself the butt of quite a few sources of sorority irony and derision. Maybe, just maybe, she will leave the Playboy Mansion and settle down with Jason as a Trophy Wife. So what nickname could possibly capture a girl who is so fake that even sororities scorn her? To protect the innocent (and by innocent I mean all the names of real people I want to insert here), for now I'll stick with Tacky Prom Queen.

Alright, now onto what little else I can remember from weeks past.
Charlie O'Connel: most intense announcement of alcoholism EVER
Shayne's disgust at the other members of her cast: get over it Monkey
Naomi's mom: God I love crazy hippies
Naomi's dad: JC was a Jew. You're in good company.
Shannon: how many uncontrollable bodily excretions can one woman contribute to a season: saliva, snot, vomit, suntan lotion squirt...well done
Erika: you seem like the type of woman to save up her Camel Cash in order to buy something real nice
Megan: try being a little less soft, and really go for it when you kiss someone next time
Lauren: JC Penny called. They want their juniors section back.
Natalie: I really can't do any better than Rotisserie Barbie--that is CLASSIC...leave it to Joel McHale
Nikki: you want me to sing?? OOPS! I crapped my pants!
Raquel: little too ethnic for this season

And, now for the future. WHAT oh WHAT is going to happen next week--WHAT is going to make Jason's face contort in such indescribable pain. Is Dede going to attempt suicide?? Is Moll going to take a golf club to Mell?? Is Mell going to admit she has no parents and was raised by gnomes?? Is Ty going to tell daddy he's gay?? All I know is I want to pee myself every time they give that shot of Jason weeping as he approaches that balcony. Seriously, a man crying that hard is just hilarious. Holy crap! I think I just figured it out!! Remember that moment in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective--Finkle and Einhorn, Finkle and Einhorn, Einhorn and Finkle? Finkle IS Einhorn. Einhorn IS Finkle. And, then Ace realizes he made out with a man and weeps in the shower. So, here it is: Stephanie comes back and reveals that while one daddy may have gone to heaven the other daddy stayed behind. All that plastic surgery was intended to do more than preserve her youth....if you want the mechanics, you'll have to ask our resident M.D. But, doesn't it make perfect sense?? What else makes a man begin uncontrollably weeping on national television.? Seriously, I may be a psychic. With that--I'm spent and so I'm out.

Spoiler Alert

I totally agree with FirestoneFever, but I just wanted to give all the ladies who are opposed to spoilers a heads up that the public comments below the article with that awful ring give away the most dramatic finale ever...

Questionable Taste

So we began to question Jason's taste the first time he wore a hideous purple striped tie with a maroon shirt. It was even more dubious when he axed everyone's favorite Cuddly Canuck. Now, ladies and gents, its official, Jason has terrible taste: Just take a look at the engagement ring Jason picks out. Its not a "pear shaped diamond with a gold band", but it might as well be.

And the clouds are aligning.

Isn't that supposed to be "stars," folks? Apparently not, when you're talking about the uber-intellectuals that make their way to the Bachelor. Dude, clouds do not align. And even if they did, why would you think that is good luck?

I don't even know where to begin from last night. Talk about information superload! I felt like one of our darling friends (not to be named publicly) when she doesn't take her ADD medicine. Let me start with my absolute favorite moment of the night. Three words for you. Fred and Noelle. Fred won our hearts as the midwestern lawyer during Deanna's season and from that moment on, we've been rooting for him. Okay, so we actually forgot he existed for the past 6 months but besides that, we've been rooting for him. And dear Noelle. I know I might have confused you with the "Meeps" girl from Matt Grant's season, but we've always had a soft spot for you and only wish you the best. Talk about two great people finding true love. I might have teared up watching that segment.

But then I was quickly taken back to reality as we watched Trista and Ryan parade their (albeit adorable) baby Max on cable TV. Listen, I'm happy they actually made a marriage work after this show, but what annoys me is how Trista so obviously is milking ABC and her 10 minutes of fame for ALL IT IS WORTH. However, maybe Trista is just a little more clever than we've given her credit for. Every six months, she appears on another Bachelor special, probably gets some type of compensation (duh!) and can live it up in her beautiful Colorado home while her husband fights fires. Touche, Trista, touche. You not only had your entire wedding and honeymoon paid for by ABC but you've also managed to con them into practically paying for your home and entire perfect life.



And then we had Charlie and sweet, sweet Sarah. From the look on our shell-shocked former Bachelor's face, it doesn't look like he knew Sarah was going to out his alcoholism in front of millions of viewers*. I heard Jerry didn't even know Charlie was a little too keen on the bottle. Let's see how long they last after that revelation. If we've learned nothing else from watching the Bachelor, we've learned that a man doesn't like a woman who makes him look weak. Or a woman who won't say, "I love you" after 6 weeks of dating. Those damn closed off bitches who say "I think I'm falling in love with you" or "I want to be with you forever" and think they're going to get the final rose. To hell with them.

See, what did I tell you? ADD!

*Millions of viewers OR 8 people sitting in my living room.

Who Do You Think You Are, God?

Rotisserie Barbie (thanks, Joel McHale) really came across well last night on the "Women Tell All" episode. Not superficial or narcissistic or crazy at all. She didn't contradict herself once!

Right, and Jason didn't completely emotionally rape Jillian.

Natalie was definitely the contradictory star of the evening, and once again Chris Harrison was absolutely on fire with underhanded zingers flying at Natalie right and left. Seriously, that dude is hysterical. He says something preposterous ("Three hours of sex is a lot...") and before his interviewee can react he's moved on to the next question leaving the poor schmuck in his ironic dust.

Natalie says that she is allergic to jewelry and also that she isn't materialistic, claiming that her bracelets cost "Two dollars, a dollar, quarter machine..."

I think I must have been too obsessed with Toothy McStalker's snot face or Nikki's sideburns to really give Natalie the attention she was due back when she was on the show. I completely forgot about this sparkling nugget after her elimination:

"He's an idiot...I don't mean to sound conceited, but (bleep - what I can only imagine is "shit") I've got a lot goin' on and I'm super-attractive. You don't think you feel a connection with me? Like, who do you think you are, God?"

I absolutely love how she prefaces it by saying that she doesn't mean to sound conceited. Of course you do, sweetie! Saying you don't mean to sound conceited is quite possibly the understatement of the year, or at least the season. It's like a doctor saying, "Now, Mrs. Smith, you've arrived at the hospital too late for the epidural, but trust me, this will only hurt a little." It was also awesome when she tried to blame her bitchy attitute towards the other women on the fact that ABC took away her Blackberry (her "lifesource") and her iPod while she was living in the mansion with the other ladies. Awwww honey, I know how you feel. When I'm forced to actually interact with other human beings they realize I'm a turbo-bitch too. Sucks, doesn't it? You know what might make you feel better? A time machine so you can go back and decide NOT to sign up to be on the Bachelor, thereby exposing your flawed psyche to all of America. Either that or a personality change surgery. Take your pick.

The one who really captured America's heart

Alright fellow Bachelor lovers, I've been in denial long enough. I have been a strong supporter of you clever bloggers who post such insightful musings about the progression of Jason's quest to find the love of his life (among a group of complete strangers). And I've encouraged DVR photos at pivotal moments of the show - including the most awkward facial expressions EVER on the day of the dove's demise. However, I have yet to be motivated enough to comment on the crazy love saga we find so endearing.

Well ladies, I have finally found my inspiration. Not only has our favorite, genuinely down-to-earth girl been rejected, but Jason has the gall in his latest People blogpost to characterize her competitor's invitation to "sleep over" as something other than the obvious. Are we really supposed to believe that the true reason he finds this attractive is that she "goes after what she wants" and "shows that she's there for me by opening herself up"? I'm sorry to break it to Jason, but the way one demonstrates these qualities - and by "qualities", I don't mean those south of her neck- is by doing something like sharing a truly personal story that you feel shaped your life experiences (i.e. Jillian's heartfelt and uplifting story about her family's struggle with depression) - it's not offering your bedroom for the evening.

In my opinion, Jason lost out on one of the greatest candidates in Bachelor history. Although tragic, we all know this really worked out for the best. To top off everything we already know and love about Jillian, she had the following to say about becoming the next Bachelorette: "I don’t want to be famous. I don’t want to be an actress. Part of me wants to stop while I am ahead... But the other part of me really wants to find somebody and maybe my prince is just around the corner." Here's to an exciting final episode and to Jillian finding her REAL prince!

Strategy

Strategy. As all history buffs and bachelor addicts know, winning is all about strategy. And, as much as Chris Harrison likes to protest that this is about real people, making real life decisions, The Bachelor is still fundamentally a game. But is it a game worth winning? Maybe being the first or second runner up is the best place to be. Wouldn't you rather get to choose from 25 attractive, successful, and spot-light loving guys than have to settle for some guy ABC selected as "the ideal"??? I agree 100% with LATBachelorFan-- Jillian should be the next Bachelorette! she endeared herself to millions of viewers with her hotdog theory, fashion sense (I want those pink gloves she rocked on her hometown date), and her sense of humor! If you look closely at that picture from Monday's post, both Jason and Molly are looking at Jillian, clearly acknowledging that she is the mastermind behind whatever made the gang crack up. Maybe it's wishful thinking - that I can indulge my awkward girl crush on Jillian just a little bit longer, but I'm holding on to hope!

Chocolate Peanut Butter

Yes, that's right girls. Eat your hearts out. Jason's favorite ice cream - chocolate peanut butter. Jason's favorite car - Corvette. If Jason could be one person for a day - the President. Because he could make a difference. C'mon. What kind of guy says his favorite car is a Corvette but wants to "make a difference" as the President? Either drive a Prius and make a difference or say you want to be Brad Pitt for a day and bang Angelina Jolie while driving your Corvette. You don't get both buddy. Can anyone imagine our sweet little "J." driving around in a little sportscar anyway? Where would he possibly fit Ty's car seat? Just who does Jason think he is, Andy Baldwin?

And Then There Were Two

Spoiler alert, blah blah, if you haven't watched the show yet don't read on. And also, if you haven't watched the show yet, then you aren't a real fan anyway and why are you here? (Hi, Mom!!) Woe is me. And the rest of the crew at Final Rose this sad day. Our obvious favorite (ever notice how we never bashed her?) Jillian got kicked off last night. And, the suspenseful lead-up to her elimination was totally RUINED for us when one Fred Flinstone-footed fellow fan stomped her ginormous foot on the remote on the ground and skipped us to live action (we had been watching on a two-minute delay on DVR). You would have thought we were watching a slasher film with the level of screaming and eye-covering that went on.


But, as I mentioned yesterday, perhaps this is a blessing in disguise for our favorite gal from America Junior, I mean Canada. Maybe this means that Jillian would get to be the next Bachelorette, and oh, what a joyus day that would be! I mean, if ABC could scrounge up 25 pretty decent looking guys... ok, and two hotties (shout out to Jeremy and Graham) for frumpy bitch-on-wheels Deanna, imagine the level of hotness that Jillian's bachelors might achieve. Bring it on, ABC! Jillian can totally do better than Jason. At the very least she should be able to snag a guy that can actually match a shirt with a tie. More on that later.

Jillian has the best clothes, she is funny, she is not pathetic or crazy, she handled her rejection with the utmost class and grace, and to top it all off, she is a pretty crier. Seriously you guys, that is a near-impossible feat and I think based upon that alone she should be the next Bachelorette.

The Bachelor: All the News That's Fit to Print

You know a show has made a comeback when "The Gray Lady" of newspapers writes a story on the success of this season.

This photo is quite perplexing in that it looks as if "J" must have just said something hysterically funny. But regular viewers of the show will know that this is close to impossible as Jason, although kind-hearted as he may be, doesn't have a funny bone in his body. Poor guy.

This story only echoes rumors that I have been reading on various blogs everywhere - namely that the season finale is absolutely shocking. The show's creator and producer, Mike Fleiss, even refers to the finale's "freakishness." I won't attempt to speculate on what is going to happen, but all I know is that it's going to be good! Stay tuned.

P.S. - This story suggests that whomever gets rejected is going to be the Bachelorette for the season of the show this summer. While I hope that Jillian wins because I think she rocks, now I almost want her to lose because I think she can do better than Jason and I would love to see her take her pick from 25 hotties!!

Catty Comments - The Third Edition

As DC Bachelor Fan alluded to in her recent post, we here at Final Rose pretty much hate Naomi's stroke victim side-mouth-talking voice. Like, a lot. I mean, Molly's is slightly irritating and our big beef with her is that she is fake. But Naomi's voice is a whole other ballgame. We couldn't decide if her apparent speech impediment is due to an underbite, an over-sized tongue, a possible former tongue ring that she pretends she still has, or some strange combination of all of the above. However, one thing is clear, and that is that Naomi has one of the most annoying voices I have heard in a long time.

That is until some crazy bitch had eight embryos implanted in her and created a media frenzy the likes of which we haven't seen since possibly JonBenet Ramsey. You can't turn on the television or your computer without getting slapped in the face with a picture like this:

and/or seeing an interview with this head case. Her soft, scratchy, slightly lispy Angelina Jolie voice is decidedly THE most annoying thing I have heard in 2009. Naomi, you should thank this screwball for redirecting my loathing away from you and onto someone different.

Seeing as DC Bachelor Fan has made quite a dent in the Molly and Naomi-bashing, I should turn my attention to another deserving target: Melissa. Where do I start? Although this girl seems like she has good intentions, she is doubtless dumb as an effing rock and has little to no personality of her own. You know in that Julia Roberts movie Runaway Bride how they talk about the fact that she doesn't know how she likes her eggs cooked because she has just always eaten her eggs the way that her current flame eats them? That is Melissa all over.

Everything about Melissa is so generic. For one, she apparently has no relationship with her parents because they weren't willing to come on the show (understandble), but also her friends have met her parents all of once (incredibly strange). Seriously, her "friends" that she used as replacements for the missing family might as well have been androids. What girl doesn't talk about guys with her girlfriends? If Melissa isn't talking about men with these "friends," then they aren't friends at all. Melissa probably just asked some acquaintances of hers to be on the show so she could look good. "Ok, yes you guys have children, so I'll need you there to make it apparent that I am SUCH a kid person, and then you two, the cute young married couple, yes I need you there too to say in robot voices: 'Yes we love Melissa she is great we do not comprehend why she is single end transmission.'"

The sad thing about all this is that even though these signs would normally drive a sane person in real life to ABORT MISSION, they have made Melissa the front-runner on this show. No weird family to make her look bad by burrying doves or wearing strange hats. No real friends to dish on her white trash exes or actually care enough to ask the Bachelor tough questions. Nothing keeping her in place really at all. She has successfully portrayed herself as a family-less, friend-less nomad who is willing to eat her eggs any which way you tell her to and move to Seattle at the drop of a hat. Well played Melissa, well played.

"This is THE Country Club"

First, let me point out that Jason, or shall we call him "J." as he refers to himself in the notes he obviously (and not ABC) writes in the date boxes, has shortened every single one of the girls names. Moll, Na (pronounced Neigh, like the horse), Jill, Mel. I mean, is he that lazy? Can he not call them by their full names? Maybe that's why he got rid of Treasure in the first round. No nickname for that one. Treas just doesn't go over well. Or maybe he's just not clever enough to come up with a pet name for them so this is the best he can do as far as romantic nicknames? Sad. I sure do miss Matt Grant calling everyone "Monkey."

I digress. I wanted to make a few points about Molly, as every episode she irritates me more and more. You'd actually think I would like her. Popped collar? Check! Country club snobbery? Check! Knows how to mix plaids? Check! All characteristics I usually gravitate towards. But her fakeness is really getting to me.

Everyone knows that thing called a "phone voice." You know, the voice you use when you pick up the phone at work and say "Good morning, this is DC Bachelor Fan, how can I help you?" It's a little nasal? And for some reason, everyone uses their phone voices to sound older, or more professional, or like they know what they are talking about. Often times, the "phone laugh" can be incorporated as well. "Of course, Peterson, I'll get that report to you by COB. Haha." Like you're having a good time. Anyway, I've decided that Molly only uses a phone voice. ONLY. I can't even imagine what her real voice sounds like. She is so fake it drives me crazy. Loosen up blondie. Don't be jealous the brunettes are outnumbering you. P.S. Jason loves your eyes so stop wearing so much goshdarn eye make-up. Fake fake fake.

Indigo Kids, Hula Hoops, and Doves...Oh My!

I'm going to go ahead and throw it out there. I know Firestone Fever loves the Bachelor superlatives and here is one for the ages. Naomi's hometown date might just be the wackiest in Bachelor history. I don't want to forget about when Jennifer's father talked about his shotguns to Lorenzo in Bachelor Rome or when blondie's father basically scorned Brad Wommack because he had no higher education (shout out to the snobby folk in DC!). Or who could forget Jenni's grandma? (P.S. RIP, Jenni's grandma. Yes, we also watch After the Final Rose and Girls Tell All.)

But Naomi's wacky family might just take the cake. Between her pops giving our favorite Jewish bachelor a lesson on Jesus Christ (for those of you who weren't aware, Jason is a Jew, and not a Jew for Jesus) to her free-spirited mother providing some insight into reincarnation, it was obvious that poor naive Naomi, with her side-mouth talking, was going to get the boot. The mom talked about how it was possible Jason was a woman in a previous life. She might have something there. His hands are a bit small for a man's hands.

I think for our Bachelor viewers, though, the reality of why this might have actually been the weirdest visit ever came not when the dove was presented to Jason, but when Naomi's mom said, and we quote (we listened twice just to make sure), "Smells a little like chicken." Welcome to the family. Or rather, bye bye Naomi.

In Response to "Yikes"

Word to your mother DC Bachelor Fan. You know me and my Retard Tingles - this scene once again found me hiding behind a pillow hyperventilating at the awkwardness. Who does Stephanie think she is, some kind of geisha? "Whenever I'm with a man I just want to make sure he's completely taken care of." Kissing every square inch of him? Unecessary. I'm kind of thinking it's possible Stephanie has never had an orgasm if she's wasting her time covering someone in kisses. As far as pleasing a man, as the old adage says, all you need to do is: "Show up naked. Bring beer." Save the all-over kisses for Sophia or, if you're Shannon, your dog.

It's a bird, it's a plane...

It's the bachelor on another one of his dates!

Seriously, has anyone else noticed that almost all of Jason's 1-on-1 dates involved taking off into flight? Let me refresh your memories. During Jason's first date with Melissa, they flew over LA at sunset (and that's not to even mention the blimp that flew overheard while they were at the beach); Jason and Natalie took not one but two flights during their 1-on-1, first in a private jet to Vegas and then with a helicopter ride over the city. If Melissa's next date hadn't been canceled, she was about to get a helicopter ride AND the space needle. Naomi cashed in with the sea plane ride around Seattle.

Aren't we in an economic downturn? What happened to good 'ol public transportation? Seriously, what sort of kick-backs are these airliners getting? Let's all admit it right here and now that Jason has not once planned these dates himself. Despite what the women are convinced (and I hate to burst their bubbles), Jason has nothing to do with where they go or what they do on their dates. He's just as shocked as they are like a kid in a candy store when he gets to go up in these flying contraptions. So who, may I ask, who sincerely believes that all romantic dates involve flying? Is there a focus group of ABC producers sitting around in a room tossing out ideas for dates? Plane! Jet! Helicopter! Blimp! Hot air balloon ride! (Maybe they're saving that for the finale.)

Since when does being thousands of feet above sea level equate to romance? I, for one, hate to fly. If I were any of these girls, I would say, no thank you, I'd prefer to walk. If I was forced due to my contract to participate in this torture, you better believe I'd have a barf bag right beside me. Just like our pal Twilley from last season's The Bachelorette. Doesn't anyone ever learn a lesson?

Maybe next season they'll spice things up a bit. Jet skis! Boats! Scuba diving! Oh wait, they've pulled that move too.

Yikes

When the girls were at the radio show, Stephanie started talking about her sex life. Melissa's face says it all. Talk about squirming in my seat. I really didn't need to hear about Molly's lingerie-wearing or Stephanie kissing her man all over. Yikes. That's really all I can say.