Getting to like (some of) you, getting to know you like feet...
This week on the Bachelorette, we continued to get to know the Bachelors, and I finally feel like I can actually tell most of them apart. While 30 men was a bonus for Jillian, it has been more confusing for the audience, specifically those of us who guzzle wine through the entire episode and mostly talk over the show and each other. Wine chugging and fuzzy memories aside, I think our little group will agree with me when I choose to categorize the remaining Bachelors into four categories: the good, the bad, the downright ugly and the departed.
The Good:
Ed - I won't explain in detail the amount that we were gushing over Ed last night. Suffice it to say that he rose (no pun intended, heh) very quickly to the top of our favorites list, and when he was speaking it was one of the only times throughout the night that we actually shut up. Because we were too busy blushing and giggling at the TV to say anything, besides the obligitory "I love him!" everytime they showed his face.
Jake - Still one of our frontrunners even though he wasn't really featured this episode. I still question his sincerity but he is a favorite of other members of our group so...
Jesse - Also not really featured too much this episode, but his Chris O'Donnell-looking mug deserves to stay around until the end if only for the fact that he is cute as a button! He better get an alone date next week.
Kiptyn - Although I still think that Kiptyn looks like a guy I happened to drunkenly make out with once at a jorts party and that he has big ears, again other members of the group seem to be fans, so here he remains.
Reid - Reid really started to show his personality this week, and he was JUST about to make a move on Jilli when Juan the Funky Homosapien chose that exact moment to interrupt. Come on, man! I want to see Reid in action! Fingers crossed for next week...
Robby - Despite the fact that he essentially admitted to not having kissed a woman in two years (how is that possible, by the way? I can't go two weekends without kissing someone...), we still think Robby is the poop.
The Bad:
Mark - Mark has solidified himself as "Who IS That Guy" in our group. Literally every time they showed his face one of us would scream that out, and we weren't even doing it to be funny. I mean, come on dude, get yourself out there, talk about the weather, pizza, SOMETHING!
Michael - I don't think that Michael is a match for Jillian, and that is why he appears in this category. However, he does serve as comedic relief throughout the episodes, and for that I am thankful... his stiff ape-lip impersonation of Brad's kiss with Jillian was not only accurate but hilarious.
Mike - I think unfortunately for Mike his speedo trick and recreation of Brokeback Mountain will be all that fills his 15 minutes of fame. Sorry, buddy.
The Ugly:
Douchebag Dave - I really don't think I need to fill too much space here with lamentations about this bull in a china shop and his seemingly endless supply of rage. I'll just leave you with some documentation of his face twitch that occurs when he is good and pissed:
Wowzers.
Juan the Funky Homosapien - So the majority of the group seem to think that Juan plays for the other team, but I am pretty sure that he is just asexual. Which is easier to picture, Juan masturbating to another man or him just masturbating to himself in the mirror? I choose option B. Also, Dave's main gripe against Juan is that he is there "for the wrong reasons." Dave, no, he is NOT there for the wrong reasons, he just happens to be a choch-bag, or a cheesedick, or what you would call a "cheeseass," ok? Don't get it confused.
Tanner P. - So obviously Tanner P.'s foot soliloquy was possibly the funniest moment of the season to date. The only thing that confused me about the toe suck dance was that in his modern dance movements of sucking toes, he made it appear that Jillian's toes were like, really, really, long. So now I can't stop picturing him sucking these really long toes, belonging to some creature out of a Roald Dahl book or something. I wonder what he would do if he knew I could pick up a roll of quarters with my foot...
Wes - In addition to being a total creeper (as well as a lyrics thief, which I will leave to you, DCBachelorFan), Wes is also boring, which I just realized this week. When he's not singing and my blood isn't boiling, he's talking and I'm snoring. Also I can't believe how effing NAIVE Jillian is being about this guy! I mean come on... "I want to play my song for you again." It's not so that he can make you swoon, Jilli, it's so that he can attract the attention of whatever record producer who maybe wasn't paying attention the FIRST 100 FUCKING TIMES HE PLAYED IT. Wake UP sister!! End rant.
The Departed:
Sasha - Alright, I feel really bad for this guy. Not only was his rejection the first "recession era" rejection we've seen on public transportation, but Jillian made a realllly bad decision eliminating this guy just because he hasn't been in love yet or whatever BS reason she used. That may be an understandable elimination to make if you are down to 10 or 5 or whatever, but when you have an entire stockpile of douchebags just begging for elimination back at the house?! Totes harsh, Jilli.
Brad - Peace be with you, sister kisser. I can promise this will be the last time I ever think of your gross face.
Tanner F. - Poor guy. Jillian didn't even give him a chance. And I will reiterate what I said about the stockpile of douches at the ready (reference "The Bad" and "The Ugly" above).
Hopefully next week our leading lady starts making some wiser decisions. I am not ready to give up on her yet, but I am just waiting for her otherwise great taste to start reflecting itself in her taste in men (ADORABLE onesie, by the way, Jilli!!). Next week looks to be quite a thrilling epidsode... who knows, perhaps this could even be the first "most dramatic rose ceremony EVER" this season! Which guys have girlfriends? Will Dave slit Juan's throat? Will Mike and Mike decide they like each other better than they like Jillian? Tune in next week to find out!
This week on the Bachelorette, we continued to get to know the Bachelors, and I finally feel like I can actually tell most of them apart. While 30 men was a bonus for Jillian, it has been more confusing for the audience, specifically those of us who guzzle wine through the entire episode and mostly talk over the show and each other. Wine chugging and fuzzy memories aside, I think our little group will agree with me when I choose to categorize the remaining Bachelors into four categories: the good, the bad, the downright ugly and the departed.
The Good:
Ed - I won't explain in detail the amount that we were gushing over Ed last night. Suffice it to say that he rose (no pun intended, heh) very quickly to the top of our favorites list, and when he was speaking it was one of the only times throughout the night that we actually shut up. Because we were too busy blushing and giggling at the TV to say anything, besides the obligitory "I love him!" everytime they showed his face.
Jake - Still one of our frontrunners even though he wasn't really featured this episode. I still question his sincerity but he is a favorite of other members of our group so...
Jesse - Also not really featured too much this episode, but his Chris O'Donnell-looking mug deserves to stay around until the end if only for the fact that he is cute as a button! He better get an alone date next week.
Kiptyn - Although I still think that Kiptyn looks like a guy I happened to drunkenly make out with once at a jorts party and that he has big ears, again other members of the group seem to be fans, so here he remains.
Reid - Reid really started to show his personality this week, and he was JUST about to make a move on Jilli when Juan the Funky Homosapien chose that exact moment to interrupt. Come on, man! I want to see Reid in action! Fingers crossed for next week...
Robby - Despite the fact that he essentially admitted to not having kissed a woman in two years (how is that possible, by the way? I can't go two weekends without kissing someone...), we still think Robby is the poop.
The Bad:
Mark - Mark has solidified himself as "Who IS That Guy" in our group. Literally every time they showed his face one of us would scream that out, and we weren't even doing it to be funny. I mean, come on dude, get yourself out there, talk about the weather, pizza, SOMETHING!
Michael - I don't think that Michael is a match for Jillian, and that is why he appears in this category. However, he does serve as comedic relief throughout the episodes, and for that I am thankful... his stiff ape-lip impersonation of Brad's kiss with Jillian was not only accurate but hilarious.
Mike - I think unfortunately for Mike his speedo trick and recreation of Brokeback Mountain will be all that fills his 15 minutes of fame. Sorry, buddy.
The Ugly:
Douchebag Dave - I really don't think I need to fill too much space here with lamentations about this bull in a china shop and his seemingly endless supply of rage. I'll just leave you with some documentation of his face twitch that occurs when he is good and pissed:
Wowzers.Juan the Funky Homosapien - So the majority of the group seem to think that Juan plays for the other team, but I am pretty sure that he is just asexual. Which is easier to picture, Juan masturbating to another man or him just masturbating to himself in the mirror? I choose option B. Also, Dave's main gripe against Juan is that he is there "for the wrong reasons." Dave, no, he is NOT there for the wrong reasons, he just happens to be a choch-bag, or a cheesedick, or what you would call a "cheeseass," ok? Don't get it confused.
Tanner P. - So obviously Tanner P.'s foot soliloquy was possibly the funniest moment of the season to date. The only thing that confused me about the toe suck dance was that in his modern dance movements of sucking toes, he made it appear that Jillian's toes were like, really, really, long. So now I can't stop picturing him sucking these really long toes, belonging to some creature out of a Roald Dahl book or something. I wonder what he would do if he knew I could pick up a roll of quarters with my foot...
Wes - In addition to being a total creeper (as well as a lyrics thief, which I will leave to you, DCBachelorFan), Wes is also boring, which I just realized this week. When he's not singing and my blood isn't boiling, he's talking and I'm snoring. Also I can't believe how effing NAIVE Jillian is being about this guy! I mean come on... "I want to play my song for you again." It's not so that he can make you swoon, Jilli, it's so that he can attract the attention of whatever record producer who maybe wasn't paying attention the FIRST 100 FUCKING TIMES HE PLAYED IT. Wake UP sister!! End rant.
The Departed:
Sasha - Alright, I feel really bad for this guy. Not only was his rejection the first "recession era" rejection we've seen on public transportation, but Jillian made a realllly bad decision eliminating this guy just because he hasn't been in love yet or whatever BS reason she used. That may be an understandable elimination to make if you are down to 10 or 5 or whatever, but when you have an entire stockpile of douchebags just begging for elimination back at the house?! Totes harsh, Jilli.
Brad - Peace be with you, sister kisser. I can promise this will be the last time I ever think of your gross face.
Tanner F. - Poor guy. Jillian didn't even give him a chance. And I will reiterate what I said about the stockpile of douches at the ready (reference "The Bad" and "The Ugly" above).
Hopefully next week our leading lady starts making some wiser decisions. I am not ready to give up on her yet, but I am just waiting for her otherwise great taste to start reflecting itself in her taste in men (ADORABLE onesie, by the way, Jilli!!). Next week looks to be quite a thrilling epidsode... who knows, perhaps this could even be the first "most dramatic rose ceremony EVER" this season! Which guys have girlfriends? Will Dave slit Juan's throat? Will Mike and Mike decide they like each other better than they like Jillian? Tune in next week to find out!
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