Thursday, March 4, 2010
OMG
I didn't think anything could shock me when it came to ABC's The Bachelor. Until I read this. Apparently Warner Brothers is releasing The Bachelor: The Videogame this summer. And while part of me might just go buy a Wii for the sole purpose of being able to play said video game, the other part of me is wondering, after all this time, have we finally crossed the line?
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Dancing his way towards 15 more minutes of fame...
Melissa Rycroft move over. Jake Pavelka is now upping his ante and increasing his reality TV appearances to 3. Last night, Jake was named a contestant on the new season of Dancing with the Stars. (Stars? STARS? Really!? If Jake is a star, then Trista Sutter is the damn president.) I'm actually shocked that boring Mr. Dateless is milking this thing for all it's worth. Could it be that Jake actually came on this show to become "famous," make a little extra cash, and get laid? Maybe we've all underestimated him because the last time I checked, someone passionate about aviation doesn't leave his job to dance the samba. For me, the fact that Jake got named contestant #11 on DWTS was the most dramatic part of the entire season. You know why? Because I sat by (with retard tingles) as Tenley performed a dramatic dance for Jake, pouring every ounce of her heart and soul into it and telling Jake and the entire Bachelor audience about her passion for dance. But is Tenley on Dancing with the Stars? Why don't you kick a girl while she is down ABC? Seriously. The poor girl gets her heart broken and then Jake gets to dance off (literally) with Vienna. I am mad. We all teased Tenley for her high-pitched Disney princess voice but at the end of the day, she is a nice girl. And she doesn't deserve a broken heart at the hands of Jake Pavelka. Tenley, if you're reading this, we support you. And my mom would like to invite you to Thanksgiving.
Jake Picked the Cross-Eyed Slut
I can’t take credit for this title myself – it’s courtesy of Matt from Warming Glow, which is a pretty hilarious TV blog, if you’ve never read it. In fact, he pretty much sums up my exact thoughts on the show last night with this short but sweet synopsis:
On “The Bachelor” finale, Jake’s family and everyone in America preferred Tenley, the better-looking girl who wasn’t a bitch, but Vienna proved that a Hooters girl without a gag reflex really can do anything if she does enough kegels.
In fact, he live-tweeted the finale last night and his tweets essentially capture every emotion I (and the rest of the Bachelor Fans) had last night. Perhaps the only thing he left out was when we got into a rather heated – and inappropriate – discussion about how often Jake probably gets boners throughout this whole “journey” and, consequently, blue balls (except with Vienna who I’m sure delivers, and how). The conversation came to a screeching halt when DCBachelorFan all of a sudden brought up lube (I’m still not even sure where that comes in) and HereForTheRightReasons said something about Tenley possibly having a leg-up on the competition being an almost-virgin and all… but with that I will redirect you to Matt’s comment about kegels above.
Anyway, obviously I am just as disgusted as the rest of America with Jake’s choice. But our buddy Chris Harrison had this perspective to put on the whole thing, from his blog:
How could anybody possibly have a problem with two people falling in love with one another and finding happiness together? I’m not saying you can’t be surprised or even think that one of the other women might have been better but now that he’s made his final decision and you see they are together and very much in love, how can you fault that? I can’t imagine telling anybody they’re an idiot for falling in love and finding happiness. How can that be wrong?
You’re right, Chris, what could be wrong with having this to wake up to for the rest of your life:
But seriously dude, you must be out of your mind. Are you really suggesting that people aren’t allowed to tell someone else “they’re an idiot for falling in love and finding happiness?” I don’t think that’s what people are telling Jake he’s an idiot for. It’s not the falling in love and finding happiness part, it’s the “falling in love,” i.e. developing some sort of early-thirties First Fuck Syndrome (sorry Mom) for a classless, cross-eyed stripper-looking immature piece of trash from the sticks. I mean literally I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a more ill-matched couple in my entire life. You bet your ass that if I had a friend marrying some imitation stripper who claimed to be “in love” but really we all knew it was all about the sex and nothing more and that one day he was going to wake up and regret the biggest mistake he’s ever made in his life (probably after spending some more time with Vienna’s dad), I would have something to say about it. And before you go and say something about how Jake isn’t my friend so I have no right to comment, he also went on NATIONAL TELEVISION to FIND A WIFE. He set himself up. And he’s an idiot. What you gonna do Harrison, what? WHAT?
Finally, I will close with really the main observation I had about the show(s) last night, which was: how PUMPED must Jeffrey Osborne be about the fact that they named this show after his one-hit-wonder song?! Dude has probably gotten royalties out the wazoo, not to mention got to perform on television – I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that the audience of the Bachelor is probably 20 times more people than all of his concert audiences he’s ever performed in front of combined. If I had to pick a “winner” of this season, we all know it wasn't Tenley, and it sure as hell isn't Vienna or Jake. It's Jeffrey Osborne.
Tune in next week for what’s sure to be a gag-fest/train wreck, I mean Jason and Molly’s wedding. And apparently there is some two-hour special on 20/20 the night of March 15th called “Inside The Bachelor: The Stories Behind the Rose.” You know I will be glued to my couch watching! I couldn’t call myself a Bachelor Fan otherwise!
On “The Bachelor” finale, Jake’s family and everyone in America preferred Tenley, the better-looking girl who wasn’t a bitch, but Vienna proved that a Hooters girl without a gag reflex really can do anything if she does enough kegels.
In fact, he live-tweeted the finale last night and his tweets essentially capture every emotion I (and the rest of the Bachelor Fans) had last night. Perhaps the only thing he left out was when we got into a rather heated – and inappropriate – discussion about how often Jake probably gets boners throughout this whole “journey” and, consequently, blue balls (except with Vienna who I’m sure delivers, and how). The conversation came to a screeching halt when DCBachelorFan all of a sudden brought up lube (I’m still not even sure where that comes in) and HereForTheRightReasons said something about Tenley possibly having a leg-up on the competition being an almost-virgin and all… but with that I will redirect you to Matt’s comment about kegels above.
Anyway, obviously I am just as disgusted as the rest of America with Jake’s choice. But our buddy Chris Harrison had this perspective to put on the whole thing, from his blog:
How could anybody possibly have a problem with two people falling in love with one another and finding happiness together? I’m not saying you can’t be surprised or even think that one of the other women might have been better but now that he’s made his final decision and you see they are together and very much in love, how can you fault that? I can’t imagine telling anybody they’re an idiot for falling in love and finding happiness. How can that be wrong?
You’re right, Chris, what could be wrong with having this to wake up to for the rest of your life:
But seriously dude, you must be out of your mind. Are you really suggesting that people aren’t allowed to tell someone else “they’re an idiot for falling in love and finding happiness?” I don’t think that’s what people are telling Jake he’s an idiot for. It’s not the falling in love and finding happiness part, it’s the “falling in love,” i.e. developing some sort of early-thirties First Fuck Syndrome (sorry Mom) for a classless, cross-eyed stripper-looking immature piece of trash from the sticks. I mean literally I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a more ill-matched couple in my entire life. You bet your ass that if I had a friend marrying some imitation stripper who claimed to be “in love” but really we all knew it was all about the sex and nothing more and that one day he was going to wake up and regret the biggest mistake he’s ever made in his life (probably after spending some more time with Vienna’s dad), I would have something to say about it. And before you go and say something about how Jake isn’t my friend so I have no right to comment, he also went on NATIONAL TELEVISION to FIND A WIFE. He set himself up. And he’s an idiot. What you gonna do Harrison, what? WHAT?Finally, I will close with really the main observation I had about the show(s) last night, which was: how PUMPED must Jeffrey Osborne be about the fact that they named this show after his one-hit-wonder song?! Dude has probably gotten royalties out the wazoo, not to mention got to perform on television – I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that the audience of the Bachelor is probably 20 times more people than all of his concert audiences he’s ever performed in front of combined. If I had to pick a “winner” of this season, we all know it wasn't Tenley, and it sure as hell isn't Vienna or Jake. It's Jeffrey Osborne.
Tune in next week for what’s sure to be a gag-fest/train wreck, I mean Jason and Molly’s wedding. And apparently there is some two-hour special on 20/20 the night of March 15th called “Inside The Bachelor: The Stories Behind the Rose.” You know I will be glued to my couch watching! I couldn’t call myself a Bachelor Fan otherwise!
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