Holy Bachelor Overload, ABC

So now, in addition to airing a Bachelor All-Stars show this summer, ABC will also be airing Jason and Molly's wedding on March 8! Be sure to tune in to this train wreck, I mean beautiful expression of love. You know we will be there, wine glass in hand and mouths gaping. And you know me, I'll be hoping for some sort Ross-esque "I take you, Melissa, I mean Molly..." mix-up from Mr. Indecisive.

Moll is not looking half as hideous here as she had been lately - props Molls for getting that hair under control!

Maxwell Caulfield

Every time Jake hops on his motorcycle, I can't help but wonder, is that really him? I mean, the guy is not nearly cool enough to be riding down the "PCH" on a bike with a black leather jacket and helmet. (Okay, maybe the helmet part is believable. We all know Jake is a stickler for safety as observed during his pre-flight check up. I'm sure that guy was the kid who insisted on wearing his helmet to ride his bike to school. No wonder he was Mr. Dateless.) Anyway, so here I am thinking, maybe its a stunt double that ABC has hired so that Jake can look slightly cooler even though we all know he's probably riding in a Dodge Minivan (nice and safe!) behind the RVs. And then it hit me (with a little help from a friend), that his stunt double is none other than Maxwell Caulfield. Who's Maxwell Caulfield you ask? Well, my friends, he is the leading man from the 1982 (shout out to the year I was born!) classic, Grease 2. Cool rider? C'mon. You know you have seen that movie. It put Michelle Pfeiffer on the map. So take a look and tell me there isn't an creepy resemblance between Jake and this dude.

So now that everyone has the song "Coooool Rider" stuck in their heads, let me get back to the task at hand. Ripping apart the remainder of the episode. If I had a dollar for every time Jake said the word dirty during this episode, I'd probably have about fourteen bucks. But seriously, ewww. Jake, the word dirty should not come out of your mouth. It just makes me squirm when he tries to make a sexual innuendo out of dune buggy-ing. There is nothing sexy about the word "buggy". I'm pretty sure the Amish would agree with me on that one.

I could spend time talking about the fact that Jake was in 11th grade before he kissed a girl but that wouldn't be fair because I'm pretty sure none of our first kisses were anything to write home about. Or I could launch into a full fledged attack on why I found it inappropriate for Corrie to wear spandex on her date but that would really just be my jealousy flaring up since there's no way in hell I could ever be caught dead in spandex outside of yoga class. Or I could write an entire blog post about Jake's horrendously hideous selection of ties but we'll save that for another time. No, what I'll end on is a gem from one of my fellow Bachelor watchers who despite her disdain for this show, keeps coming back week after week. During one of the most dramatic moments of Monday's episode, Jake decides not to give a rose to Kathryn or Ella, leaving him alone at a fire with a single red rose (and perhaps a single tear running down his face). And in a moment that completely overrides his balcony scene as most dramatic, Jake tosses the rose into the fire.

"Forget the most dramatic rose CEREMONY ever, this is the most dramatic ROSE ever, BURNED at the STAKE."

Schadenfreude

Schadenfreude is the German word defined as: pleasure derived from another person’s misfortune. And while I am not sure that schadenfreude is quite as descriptive as “retard tingles,” it also makes a certain kind of sense for me to use it here. A lot of the time that the women were speaking this week, it was almost like they were speaking a secret language, they sounded so dumb. I felt a sense of embarrassment for them, but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t deriving pleasure from their misfortune as well. I mean shit, that’s the point of this entire blog. I think it’s even ABC’s intention in airing the show at all. So it’s quite fitting that this post will focus on schadenfreude as it relates to the stupid-ass things the women said last night.

Ella describing her excitement at going on a road trip: “We’ll be rolling down the highway of love.”
I’ve seen the highway of love my friend, and trust me when I say it’s not the Pacific Coastal Highway. It’s in my boyfriend’s pants.

Gia, as she is “rushing” to get ready for her one-on-one date with Jake (i.e. agonizing for an hour over how to look casual and then choosing stilettos and a kimono as her outfit): "I’ve never gotten ready this fast in my entire life."
I would be willing to bet $100 that this statement is literally true, you self-centered New Yahk egomaniac.

Jake, describing himself in 9^th grade: “They used to call me Mr. Dateless.”
This made me pause for a moment, because the reason I don’t like Jake is because of his life-sucking boring personality. It’s certainly not because of his looks; dude is pretty hot. You could take his body as the shell and insert the personality of say, Giblert Godfrey, and I’d be more interested in him than I am now. Even still, I don’t think 9th grade girls are too worried about personality when it comes to choosing which guy to spend 7 minutes in heaven with, so on top of being boring, Jake must have been hideous in 9th grade too. Poor guy.

Kathryn, in the rejection limo: "I just don’t get it."
Sure you do honey, you got it approximately 30 minutes ago as you told Jake during your alone time that you feel like he ignores you. Then he gave you some bullshit speech about getting lost in your eyes and you thought you’d go home with a rose? Get real.

As always, these were just a choice few of the quotes from the night that really made me remember why exactly it is that I watch this show. If I wrote down all of them that simultaneously made me want to hide behind a pillow yet made me thankful for my B.A. from an actual college, we’d be here all night.

I just loved this picture of Jake surrounded by the beautiful pink dining room at the Madonna Inn. Did you guys notice that this was the same inn that The Girls Next Door visited? That's right, I watched that show too. If you thought The Bachelor was the only trashy piece of television I watch, you were sorely mistaken.

Sears? Yeah...Sears.

So its been a busy week for the DC Bachelor Fans but since we disappointed all our fans last week without a post, I thought it might behoove us to keep everyone on their toes and add a couple more thoughts to our previous musings. Plus, I've had about three glasses of wine while watching the horrible auditions on American Idol and everyone knows I'm much more clever with a little Pinot Noir running through my veins. (However, this also means our readers need to excuse any typos!)

I'd like to take a moment to paint the picture for our readers of what it is really like to watch an episode with our crew, which ranges between 5-10 viewers, depending on work and grad school schedules. This past Monday, we showed up to NotCrazyEnough's home around 8pm, where the amazing technology of DVR had already started recording our show. We opened 3 bottles of wine, put out the spread (which this week consisted of gouda cheese and green apples, pita chips and hummus, and broccoli and carrots with ranch dip), and caught up on our weekend gossip. Around 8:30pm, we finally started our watching. Generally, we need to pause on a scene anywhere between 6-8 times per episode to capture some of the amazing footage you see within our blog. Thank goodness for camera phones!

I'll walk you through a couple of extra special scenes that caught our attention (and made us giggle) this week.
1. Vienna and Jake's date moves to the pool: Vienna walks out in her bikini, which to our surprise has ruffles on the butt. We gasp at its lack of sophistication. One fan remarks, "The bathing suit is a little...(pause)...wait, let me get the word...(pause)...Sears. Yeah, Sears." My apologies to anyone who shops at Sears.
2. The camera man zooms in on Kathryn during the group date and I am surpisingly reminded of Michelle Tanner from Full House (not today's Mary Kate and Ashley). I hope we're not dating ourselves. However, instead of mocking me for the ridiculousness of this comparison, our group spends the next 3 minutes trying to remember the tag line that Michelle used to always say. With the help of Google, we figure it out and resume our watching. Want to know what it is? You got it, Dude.

3. Ella and Jake head to Sea World for their special 1-on-1 date. Shocker, ABC decides to fly Ella's little boy in for the event. Thank goodness the kid loves aviation. Favorite line? Ella saying she wants to be just like Trista and Ryan. I hate to break it to you sweetheart but Trista wasn't a divorcee, she didn't have kids before coming on the show, and her hair didn't turn into Monica's vacation hair (sorry, another Friends reference) at the first sight of Shamu in the water tank.

Finally, after about 2 hours, we finish watching the show. We gasp at the "scenes from next week", and we discuss our predictions for the craziness to come. We gulp the rest of our wine (there might have been another bottle or 2 opened in the interim) and safely head home -- we believe in public transport and designated drivers. Until next week...

Is There Such a Thing as Not Enough Crazy?

To all our devoted fans who missed us last week, I apologize. Sometimes pesky little things like “work” and “real life” get in the way of what’s really important in life, i.e. blogging about the Bachelor.

What I will say about last week’s episode is that I thought it was going to be much more dramatic given the lead-up to the big “scandal.” But I was pretty disappointed in how it went down, what with the minimal drama (aside from Chris Harrison almost vomiting on himself when he was telling Rozlyn to get the F out). Rozlyn didn’t even flip out or cry or really show any human emotion at all as she was being given the boot, and of course Jake, the boringest man on earth, didn’t deliver with any drama either. I wanted to see throwing of flowerpots, screaming and crying, kicking things, perhaps Chris Harrison being attacked with a shoe… you get the picture. So because the “scandal” was such a letdown, I have to say that my favorite part of last week’s ep was the thrilling appearance by Chicago, hands down one of the most amazing cheesy rock bands of all time (second only to Huey Lewis and the News, natch).

So, on to this week’s show. This is always about the time in the season when the girl that everyone loves to hate emerges. In the past we’ve been blessed with awesome hate-targets (see: Trish from Jesse’s season or Moana from Travis’s season), and I am not convinced that Vienna will be able to fill shoes that big. What I will say is that I hate her for my own personal reason, which is that her eyes are completely lopsided. I am talking a difference of at least a centimeter here. It makes me dizzy to look at her. Exhibit A:


Do you see what I am talking about? I can’t even decide which one is higher than the other; I just know that I have an intense sensation of vertigo simply trying to figure it out. Those peepers are creepy y’all – if this picture was hanging on the wall in your house, I can guarantee you those eyes would follow you back and forth as you walked across the room.

Speaking of hate-targets, I am shocked that Michelle didn’t get more heat from the other women in the house, considering she is a crazy bitch. A couple girls did suggest that she seek therapy behind her back, and I think the reason they were unwilling to be rude to her face is that they prefer not to wake up in the middle of the night to being suffocated with a pillow. And obviously Jake, in an attempt to escape any sort of Fatal Attraction “I’m not gonna be IGNORED, Jake” scenario, decided to call Michelle’s bluff and send her packing.



Perhaps my favorite part of this episode was Jake’s comment about Elizabeth being a tease and that it’s like she’s “dangling the carrot” in front of him.


I guess Jake must not like vegetables too much cause he told Elizabeth to hit the road. Good for him or whatever, but with the elimination of both Michelle and Elizabeth, I’m scared the ridiculous factor of this season is going to tank quickly if Jake keeps making good decisions and eliminating the crazies so quickly. Only time will tell. But I am sure there will be plenty of material to keep me entertained this season, such as what type of transportation they are going to introduce in addition to a roadster, a motorcycle, 2 helicopters and a plane – looks like next week it’s gonna be a BUS! Hell yes!! You know that nothing good can come of this. Put Ali’s banana clip, Gia’s j-j-j-joker face, j-j-joker face, 9 crazy bitches and 1 lame-ass man in a bus and you have got a PARTY my friend!

Happy Blog-a-versary

For those of you who have been faithfully following our blog since its inception (thanks Moms!), you probably already know that this week marks our 1-year blog-a-versary. (aka we've been talking smack and making ourselves laugh for a whole year on this wonderful blogosphere.) To celebrate this special occasion, I am releasing a "Final Rose" exclusive report. We were able to secure a copy of the letter that Elizabeth read to Jake during last week's episode. And after her departure last night, we thought this amazing piece of literature was too good not to be shared with our devoted following. It looks like she used a typewriter and I'm not sure where she had access to one on the set but alas, this is the real deal so enjoy!

Dear Jake. I am writing you this letter so that I can read it out loud to you during our 1-on-1 time. You will probably notice that nothing I am reading to you is actually that insightful and you might even be wondering why it is that I needed to write it down. What I should probably tell you is that I was in some horrible accident that affected my brain's ability to remember important information - we all know you have a soft spot for tragic stories and by making one up, I might have improved my chances of staying - but the truth is that I'm just plain dumb. I am going to ask you not to kiss me but then I am going to ask you time and time again if you want to kiss me. And when you say yes, I'm going to tell you that you can't kiss me. And then when you kick me off the show, the first thing I am going to ask is if its because I wouldn't kiss you. I should realize that if I have to ask, its probably the reason. I am not asking you to withhold from kissing me because I am some religious zealot like Tenley nor am I going to pretend that in normal situations I wouldn't give it away on the first date. I am simply holding out on you to see how much you really want me. I'm all about mind games. Love, Elizabeth.

The power of love.

Normally the DC Bachelor Fan, this post comes to you from NYC. Or Manhattan as Gia calls it. Seriously anyone who has ever lived in New York City knows that nobody but tourists call it Manhattan and honestly, if she had any clue, she would have just said, The City. It just made me mad to hear that Staten Island wannabe claim her roots in a city I hold so dear to my heart. So now that I’ve warmed up, let me dive right in. If nothing else, this season will make every girl who ever had a self-conscious bone in her body realize, ‘you know what? I’m not so bad.’ Many of these ladies came straight out of Girl, Interrupted and I for one am scared of Michelle. Remember our puppy killer from last season? Or Naomi’s mom that buried the dove? They have NOTHING on this cup of crazy.

But perhaps my favorite part of this week’s episode was the background music during the opening commentary. An early 90s favorite (which very few other Bachelor fans knew to my disdain until we Wiki’ed the song), I’ve copied some of the storied lyrics here:

Yes, you belong to me, I'm yours exclusively
Right now we live and breathe each other, inseparable it seems
We're flowing like a stream, running free flowing on the wings of love.



Seems like a song Channy and her landing strip would like. Speaking of Channy, did ABC order her from Asia as a potential bride for Jake? Or did they scoop her up at the nearest nail salon because someone needed a polish change? Verdict is still out from our group and sadly, we’ll never get to know. Token minority girl has already been cut. It’s nice to see that Jake doesn’t hide his racism like other Bachelors past, like Andy Baldwin who insisted on keeping Tina, the Asian Star Spangled Banner singer for like 4 weeks only to break her heart.

Which brings me to my final point. Chris Harrison. Did you really need that extra burst in the spray tan booth before the season premier buddy? You were one pump away from Ross from Friends. (Don’t pretend you all don’t know the episode I’m talking about. We’re not only about Reality TV here.)
And for the classy line that sent every girl in our bunch squirming and covering their eyes:

Chris Harrison: If you fell in love with someone who hated flying, would you give it up?
Jake: Love is more powerful than flying.

Really, Jake? Are you talking symbolically or the actual act of flying? Because honestly, I’m pretty sure the G-Force of a fighter jet might slightly overwhelm your butterflies and roses picture of what love is. I’m pretty sure when I asked my significant other if he would give up his passion if I didn’t like it, he laughed in my face and smoked another joint. I guess love isn’t more powerful than pot.

Just kidding, my beau doesn't smoke pot. In fact, the biggest passion I can think of his is watching the Bachelor. And why would I ever want him to give that up?

Yes, That JUST Happened

Well, to quote one of the Douchebagettes from last night's show, fasten your seat belts gals, because this season is going to be a "bumpy ride." I mean, if Chris Harrison says it's going to be the "most dramatic season of the Bachelor ever," it has to be true right? I mean it's not like he's ever said that before about a past season? Or spoken in gross exaggerations and hyperbole?

Aaaanyway I do have to say that I thoroughly enjoyed myself last night whilst watching this season's premiere. Jake delivered in all his cheesedick glory, and there was enough crazy in that room of women to fill an entire airplane hangar (heh). As predicted, there were a multitude of cringe-worthy and retard tingle-inducing moments throughout the show. We obviously lost count, but there were at least 3 moments in the night where all 10 of us literally screamed, and that's in addition to the many times there were numerous mutterings of "oh my god, oh my god" happening. Here is the highlight reel:

• Ali's peacock feather
• Ashleigh's fall (though according to Chris Harrison, it was fake)
• Ellen's "boop" to Jake's face as she pulled the old "what's that on your shirt?!" bit
• Valishia's incredibly sexual rubbing of the Texas dirt into Jake's palm
• Vienna molesting Jake's abs within minutes of meeting him
• Corrie's Kissimmee joke that went over like a turd in a punch bowl ("What do you think of Kissin Me... teee hee I'm from Kissimmee, Florida)
• Channy's grotesque reference to her landing strip

• Ashley's attempt at humor by dressing in a stewardess outfit (meanwhile Kathryn's all "I'm a FLIGHT ATTENDANT, BITCH"
• Tenley's brain being so small that she can't even remember the things she likes about herself and instead has to write them down and read them to Jake from a list
• Tenley's borderline breakdown because she regretting brushing Jake's lips with hers... oh well, as she said when she got the first impression rose, "Now HE can chase ME" because apparently this vapid idiot has never watched the show before and/or likes to set herself up for failure
• Michelle's sociopath tendencies lurking just beneath the surface during her alone time with Jake when she might as well have told him that a) her eggs were rotting or b) that if she doesn't win, she is going to skin him and wear him like a coat

And as I said, these were just the highlights. After last night's episode, here are the tallies as they stand now:

• Shirtless Jake Shots: 7, but this does not include the teaser at the end of the episode, because we'll count those when we get to them in real time
• Boob Job Count: at least 10, right?
  
• Retard Tingles Tally: I think a conservative estimate for the RTs from last night's episode is 37.

Finally, here's a quick rundown of the 15 Douchebagettes remaining:

• Ali, who despite being dumped for Halo, we like anyway
• Ashleigh, whose dress was horrendous but if in fact that fall was fake, you fooled us all so you go girl
• Ashley, whose mom is apparently a 17-year-old who buys her clothes at Wet Seal
• Christina, who although she is a self-proclaimed bitch, I have yet to be impressed with - let's step it up next week, sister
  
• Corrie, my #1 nominee for girl who sleeps with the producer next week
• Elizabeth, who may have the WORST boob job I have ever seen, but outside of that she seems pretty cool
• Ella, who was deducted major points in my book for giving Jake her son's prized airplane toy... you know that floozy ripped it from his hot little toddler hands before turning her back on his temper tantrum in order to go gallivanting off with the world's biggest douche
• Gia, who is from Manhattan... enough said
• Jessie, whose dress looked like a lampshade in a bordello and her hair looks like she just got up from servicing one of her clients in that same bordello
• Kathryn, who has received some flak on the 'net so far today for her dress, but I thought it was quite adorable
  
• Michelle, the single white female
• Rozlyn, whose humongous fake boobies I want to pop with a safety pin
• Tenley, a 25 year-old divorcee
• Valishia, who is somehow a "Homemaker" even though she is single... 10 to 1 odds she is a gold digging bitch who lives off her ex-husband's alimony checks and is the one they were referencing in the preview who is hiding that she has children and is divorced
• Vienna, who I will just call "Erica #2" after the gem that was Erica on Lorenzo's season, and she's also cross-eyed
  

So, all in all, I think this is going to be a highly entertaining "most dramatic season of the Bachelor EVER," all things considered. Many things to look forward to, including Jake crying on at least 1 balcony, his tantrum and walkout during an interview, lies lies and more lies from the Douchebagettes, and the "sexual affair" that goes on between one of the girls and a crew member. I've already stated who I think is going to get caught red-handed, what does everyone else think? See you back here next week!

For the Love of Blog.

As a blogger myself, I feel I have the right to be a little judgmental about other people's blogs. I mean, I would be judgmental about the Bachelor anyway, just as a speaker of English and single female, but that's beside the point.

The point is that Jake's new blog for People.com is PAINFUL. If you haven't had the pleasure, check it out here. If possible, he's more annoying in print than on television. At least you can mute the TV and he's fun to look at. Sadly, all of Jakey-poo's toolish tendencies and aww-schucks nature are in full effect in his first blog post. I'm pretty sure that some editor at People.com deleted all the smiley and winky faces before posting this bad boy. (LOL!) I just hope our boy Chris keeps up his usual standard for his behind the scenes blog. If not, Jake is not only going to ruin my enjoyment of the evening bachelor viewing, but also the next day's lunch hour reading material.