In Defense of Bentley

LOSER

Ok, he’s a huge tool, a jerk, and the epitome of everything that scares me about dating. But, let’s be honest, he’s not the worst guy to ever live – nor is he even the worst contestant to ever be part of the franchise. (In my personal opinion, Jason Mesnick’s bait-and-switch proposal to Molly when he clearly had feelings for someone else, while honest, was more of a mind-funk than Bently’s two week stint on the show). When you really break it down, and think about what he really did, it’s not all deplorable.

For starters, he could have stayed much much longer – and gotten a free trip to Phuket . Wes – he of the girlfriend back home – stayed around long enough to go to Spain. I mean, it’s not a bad way to see the world. So, kudos to Bently for cutting out when he did.

He attempted to spare Ashley’s feelings (at least to her face). Ok, yes, the things he said to the camera were rude and unnecessary, but I have no problem with his saying he was leaving for Cozy. The ultimate result was the same—he was leaving. Who cares if she doesn’t find out why until much much later. Really, no good can come of telling someone that they’re a Butterface.

At least it was realistic—I mean, when was the last time that a really show contestant really stopped being polite and started getting real? I just can’t believe that EVERY SINGLE GUY on that show is enamored with the Bachelorette. I would like to believe that Chris Harrison is the human equivalent of a sorting hat—magically matching people up where they’re meant to be—it’s just not true. There are just too many moving pieces – like chemistry, background, compatibility, that make it statistically impossible for the Ashley to be everyone’s perfect wife.

Also, ya’ll, Bentley is stupid. This fact alone means he will never make the short list for Super Villian. He didn’t stick around for the free vacations, he named his daughter COZY, and he somehow thought his 15-minutes on the Bachelorette would HELP his business. As Kimmy Gibbler would say, he’s dumb, D-U-M.

So while I feel for Ashley, I really do, it could have been much worse. She still has time to move on and find someone great (My vote goes to JP, who is ADORABLE!)

Mr. Personality

I mean, I guess if ABC were in charge of finding my boyfriend, I could count on his being attractive. At least somewhat. There's never been a Bachelor or Bachelorette that is barking ugly. So, when Jeff decided to wear a mask, I guess Ashley knew that his face would at least be camera worthy.

Before the mask stunt, ABC posted his pic along with everyone else's, so if you've forgotten, here is what Mr. Personality looks like:

Ok, no, he's not Coyote Ugly or anything, but he is completely creepy. I know that Ashley has the self esteem equivalent to the "Before" contestants in a make-over show, but that doesn't excuse her appalling lack of common sense or self-preservation. She may not have been able to see Jeff's face, but couldn't she see the bugged-out-creepy-stare eyes beneath the mask? Just that picture is giving me the heebie-jeebies. I wouldn't even have to know that the guy has absolutely no discernible sense of humor before I sent him home. Maybe its just me.

And then there was silence...

Michelle, who yapped her way through the entire season, had absolutely nothing to say last night when Brad sent her home. Nothing.  No snarky comments, no witty banter, no obnoxious remarks about her castmates.  Just silence. She wasn't quiet in her interview with Life & Style magazine, though. This is just beyond trashy so I won't even go there.

Some random ruminations:
1. I didn't have time to blog last week but I did want to mention that Chantal O.'s dress from the rose ceremony looked like a Buttered Popcorn Jelly Belly.  It was seriously the same print. Eww.
2. Brit is woah skinny.  And her hair is ridiculously long.  It made me wonder whether she was part of some weird religious cult. I feel like those are the only people that have hair that long these days.
3. Brad described his date with Emily as the best date ever, telling us how they took it to the next level. Did the producers leave something out or is it just me?  The only thing I saw in that date was a boring conversation..."it's so romantic"...."yes, it really is beautiful here"..."wow, this is the best date ever". Who talks like that?
4. I really like Shawntel but can already tell you that she'll get the boot next week after she shows her crazy at the funeral home.  We all know what happened to Naomi when her mom opted for a burial scene at the hometown date. No go.

Another edition of separated at birth

The DC crew last night all thought that Shawntel has some how with each episode become prettier and grown on us. She had us all cracking up last night with her one-on-one date conversation about her profession. Also, this one girl (myself) liked her even more when she traded in her fancy high heels from her shopping spree for a pair of flip-flops on her date. That is a classic move of mine!

So, here is the latest edition of separated at birth.

Rachel Bilson and Shawntel

Mindless? Heck, no! The academic side of the Bachelor, unveiled.

This week, I'd like highlight a couple of things I learned from watching this week's episode of the Bachelor.

1. Off-the-shoulder, crocheted tops have made a come back from the 1980s. Thank you Shawntel. 
2. A Fendi purse costs $5,000. Good to know. I can now take it off my Christmas list.
3. The plural of Ashley is Ashleys, not Ashlies. 
4. When embalming a deceased human, you must replace the blood with chemicals.  Good cocktail party "little known fact".
5. Cirque de Soleil is not as hard core as they would lead you to believe, considering they allowed two amatuers after 20 minutes of practice perform in their show.  If I was in that audience, I would have demanded a refund.  Or peed my pants from excitement!

I also figured out that I can save myself the $20 co-pay for therapy. I can just listen to Brad's therapist! Strength and vulnerability can coexist.  I told myself that a couple of times already this morning and it is really working.  Too bad that wasn't the problem, but at least I'm saving the $20.  The doctor does seem to be getting through to Brad...either that, or brainswashing him.  During his date with the Ashleys, he just kept repeating, "I have to go with my heart, I have to go with my heart." like it was some kind of mantra.  Nice work, Doc, next thing we know Brad will be on a mission to assassinate the Prime Minister of Malaysia.

I can't say I'm surprised that Marissa or Lisa got cut. In fact, I couldn't have even told you Lisa's name before last night.  I can say that I'm excited for the rest of the season to unfold in "the most controversial season of the Bachelor ever." (I wonder if Mesnick is pissed they lifted that from his season?"

Once you get a one on one, everything changes.

In case you didn't know, everything changes once you have a one on one. Every girl said it. Ashley H. Emily. Even Shawntel (not to be confused with Chantal). It was the way they said it to the poor girls who haven't even been on more than one group date that made me so mad. Their pitying glances at poor Meghan and Alli (who with their height should really team up to be beach volleyball partners or circus freaks).

I have a couple of random thoughts about this week's episode:
1. Brit is so sweet I just want to put her in my pocket and take her home. She is way too normal for Brad, though. And disappointing has terrible taste in earrings. C'mon girl, stop shopping at Claire's and try to make it to a future episode where you'll likely get to meet Neil Lane and learn what realy jewelry is all about.

2. Brad is boring. His voice is monotonous and he contributes very little to any conversation. Thank goodness he looks so damn good with his shirt off.

3. And this is serious. Similar to Firestone Fever, I'm a little POed at ABC. And not just because of their misleading story telling. Upon seeing next week's scenes of the girls going to the race track and Emily breaking down, I became furious. It's one thing to have the girl who doesn't like water walk along the bottom of the ocean (Chantal) or the girl who hates heights scale a building (Michelle) but how dare you take someone's actual real life tragedy and manipulate it to induce more drama? (Alright, so this happens every season but for some reason, this feels like it's crossing the line.) Back off our girl Emily, ABC. If she leaves the show and I don't get to hear that melodious southern accent, I'll be the one throwing elbows ala Michelle.

Lies, Damn Lies.

If Brad Womack were Pinocchio, his nose would be so long at this point that none of these women would be willing to scale a wall to make out with him. To be fair, it wasn’t just Brad that perpetuated the lies this episode – the ladies had their share of deception too.

It all started when ABC maliciously lead me to believe that Chantal gave Michelle a black eye… Or at the very least I expected Michelle to accuse Chantal of giving her a black eye. But no, through clever editing and obliqueness, ABC fooled me again. And, while it wasn’t an outright LIE, per se, I know at least one honor code that would consider “MISREPRESENTATION” to be equivalent to a lie and ABC would be out on the first plane flight back home to sunny California.

My favorite lie of the evening happened pretty early, when Michelle sat down to ice her mysterious black eye- with a popsicle, no less. About three ladies reassured her that “oh, it looks so much better.” LIES! The girl still looked like she had “a misunderstanding” with a john. And not in the “George Costanza slaps Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, but she will persevere because hookers have a heart of gold” way. The effect was probably more created by the clothes and trashy make-up, but either way, it didn’t look “better”.

The other tall tales I noticed last night were these:

- Michelle told Brad it was Ok for him to go talk to Ashley H. at the beginning of “her day”. This does not look like the face of a woman who is “ok”:

- Brad said he admired Stacey the Bartender for being honest about cheating. Then he refuses to give her a rose. So much for all that admiration.

- Brad told his Life Coach that he was uncomfortable with all the kissing. Uh, I’ve never been in therapy, but I’m pretty sure its meaningless if you’re not going to be honest with your therapist.

- Chantal telling the camera that she was prepared to see Brad dating other women. Oh, honey, you’ve been crying for three weeks straight. I’m not sure that word means what you think it means.

- The redhead whose name I didn’t bother to learn tells America that her dad will be “very proud of her”. Does it count as a lie if she’s telling it to herself?

With all the lies flying around last night, it’s hard to know what to believe anymore. I guess I’ll just have to fall back on belief that you CAN find love on T.V.

The Bachelor: Daddy Issues

ABC, in all its infinite wisdom decided not to give this season of the Bachelor a subtitle. Which, given Monday’s performance and Brad’s make-out tendencies is good, because it probably would have been called The Bachelor: Kiss from a Rose. However, I have another suggestion. They should have called it The Bachelor: Daddy Issues. It all started with Brad’s stumbling admission in the first episode that he didn’t propose to Deanna not because she was bossy and blinked a lot, but because his dad was MIA for most of his childhood. Now, in a weird and misguided attempt to bond with Brad, every single lady is pulling a daddy skeleton out of the closet, and the Bachelor is EATING IT UP. Although, I guess ABC did the best it could. I’m not going to judge or anything, but given that they found 30 (!) women in their 20s (and Michelle) who were willing to date someone who was almost 40, I guess there were bound to be some daddy issues.

I really hope this serious streak doesn't last past this season. It will ruin everything I love about the Bachelor. Kind of like when Extreme Makeover went from Plastic Surgery to giving downtrodden people new houses. Thank God Bridalplasty swooped in to save the day! So, I say Enough with the tears already! We’re here to find love! And, as the resident Dr. Phil explained, the best way to find love it for Brad to open his hole and let the ladies stick something in. Granted, I fast forwarded through like ½ of this part, but it seemed like a really long and awkward reverse-psychology metaphor for sex. Put something in the hole? Don’t worry, doc, this Bachelor has got that one down. And, judging by the fifteen times he commented on his sexual chemistry for Chantal, she may be the first to reap all the benefits of Brad’s new “therapist”. (My new favorite piece of information is that this “Life Coach” (read: not a trained professional) once played in the 90s band Go West! AWESOME.)

I actually like Chantal, and I’m really excited to see if she does in fact give Michelle a black-eye. I’m betting on the fact that Michelle does it to herself to get more attention, because the girl is bat-shit crazy. And a little desperate. But, mostly just crazy. Did she really expect the bachelor to meet her and declare the whole season at an end? Also, it may be a hometown hero thing, but I really like Emily too. (WhooHoo NASCAR country!) At first, I thought she was going to be a little too homespun, but I think she’s actually pretty down to earth, and I admire her for calling those crazies out last week for being “smartasses”. Although that Grand Ole Opry Off the Shoulder number she was sporting in the first episode was terrifying. Terrifying.

Did somebody say it was their birthday?

Not sure if anyone else knew this, but guess what? It was Michelle's birthday during Monday night's episode. And as she'll have us know, not her 28th birthday, not her 32nd birthday, but her 30th birthday.  I mean, I'm all for celebrating birthdays. My fellow fans know I've been known to throw myself a mean birthday bash but c'mon. You turning 30 just means one thing. Desperation.  Michelle, I'm not going to say much more because, let's be honest, you scare me. And I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want to get a knock at my door one night from the likes of you and your scary mug.

 As for the carnival date, I'm not sure whether that is romantic or just plain creepy. Did anyone else see the giant clown they had to walk through to get inside? Talk about nightmares!  What if she was afraid of clowns and just peed her pants when she saw that? Or better yet, what if the ever so intelligent mixing of white wine and cotton candy just didn't sit well? I don't think I've seen anything that tacky since White Zinfandel in a box. But I was glad to see Brad open up. Even if I was really thinking, "Dude, suck it up. Ashley's dad was an addict and homeless but somehow she has managed to get her college degree and complete dental school at an Ivy League institution. Who's parents haven't messed them up? It doesn't mean you can't live a productive and love-filled life.  Get over it. Move on. And go to college."

And another separated at birth for the records. Jackie reminds me of Rachel Berry (i.e. Lia Michele) from Glee. I am expecting her at some moment to break into show tunes. One can only hope its a bit of Barbara.

and

Final rumination: I realized on Monday's episode that 90% of the girls have names that end in an "E" sound. Ashley. Keltie. Emily. Lindsay. Jackie. It's unnerving.  I will say I am happy to share my name, and it's spelling, with one girl who has yet to completely embarrass herself or our name. Here's hoping she does something radical though to get noticed enough to make it through a few more episodes. 

DC Crew Back Together Again

For the second episode of the season the few stragglers left in DC were able to get together to watch. It was a great evening. Lots of wine, lots of gabbing about the girls, and lots of good catching up! The few of us have plans to keep the DC viewing parties going. :-)

Ok, so now on to a few comments about last night. What was up with Ashley H's dress? I can say that all five of us watching thought it was horrible. Not only was the bottom of the dress a hot mess, but the top and bodice were a poor fit. What's more shocking to me about this is the fact that I saw girls tonight say they loved the dress. Let me digress a bit . . . Last week I went on a Bachelor frenzy when I got wrapped up in all the excitement after the first episode. One boring day at work I decided to follow Ali, Jillian, Tenley, Chris Lambton (so wishing he was the Bachelor this season!) on Facebook and/or Twitter. So, tonight on Tenley's facebook page girls were commenting on how much they loved Ashley H's dress. Here is one of the comments "Love, love, loved Ashley H. dress!!!! So adorable!!". That is a lot of exclamation points. I want to know what dress that girl was looking at!?! Another point about Ashley H. . . I give her to award for the most aggressive kiss in Bachelor history. I was afraid she was going to smother Brad, luckily his big nose prevented that.

Last night we all were wondering why this season they are not showing the girls ages and I discovered the answer today from Chris Harrison's (love him!) blog. Straight from the horses mouth:

Speaking of age, many of you have asked why we aren’t showing how old the women are this year. I find it interesting their age makes such a difference to you. Not sure why age would make a difference in finding love. There actually is a technical reason the ages aren’t on there this season: We changed the graphics up a bit and they just don’t fit. But I will tell you if you pay attention you will learn how old these women are as we go.

If you don't read his blog each Tuesday after the episodes, you should. They're fun!

Also, I gained a lot respect for Brad last night when he let both Melissa and Raichel go. It was really unclear to all of us what started this hatred between the two girls and none of it seemed to make any sense the entire episode. I'm glad to see the producers didn't make him keep them around for drama sake. Speaking of that, I do question his motivation to keep vampire girl around. I'm hoping that's the producers pulling the strings there.

Lastly, loved seeing Ali and Roberto! They are super cute together. I'm wishing them luck in staying together. The odds are against them, but I have a feeling they might just beat them!

Kiss from a rose

I don't know what bothered me more about last night's episode. Having to sit through 2 painful minutes of watching Deanna's eye twitch or watching the scene's from this upcoming season when Seal performs on one of the dates. Really? Seal? How is Seal even still considered a singer? He had ONE SONG. Sure it won a Grammy. In 1994. Some of these girls were in kindergarten. I can only hope it doesn't become the next "On the Wings of Love".

As the most controversial season kicks off, Chris Harrison pulls out a whammy and brings back both Jenni and Deanna to confront Brad. Brad, who by the way, still seems like a bit of a napkin but is really quite nice to look at.  I know my pal HerefortheRightReasons nearly peed her pants when Jenni came back. Our friend was the one that needed the therapy after Brad dumped her.  She was devastated. I'm just glad she now has some closure. I wish I could say the same for Brad. Unless closure comes in the form of Deanna saying in her obnoxious twitchy accent, "I only hope you find what I found. And what Jenni found." What exactly is it that you found Deanna? Your soul mate? True love? No, you pathetic drip, you found a warm body who agreed to marry you despite the fact that you're annoying as hell. A skinny, Brooklyn-ite break dancing twin who you can have your double wedding with a live happily ever after.  Deanna, the only thing you found is the only chance you have to still get married before you turn 30. (Off soap box.)

Moving on to why we are really here. Brad and his interesting litter of ladies. He obviously kept the vampire chick to add a little drama. He'll obviously fall in love with tragic widow number two who will realize that her love for him could never be as strong as the love she had for high school sweetheart. He'll probably screw (literally and figuratively) the hair stylist Michelle who at the ripe age of 30 is a woman, not a little girl, thank you very much. I will give him some credit for actually choosing girls on the older end of the age scale. Sure, they're still ten years younger than him but at least he cut the 23 year olds.  I can't wait to see what happens next week.

As I think ahead to this season, it is bittersweet for me and my fellow Bachelor watchers. (You may recognize I am no longer DC Bachelor fan but now PA Bachelor Fan.) You see, jobs, school, life, rehab...whatever, have taken many us away from our time in our nation's capital. So instead of enjoying a glass or four of red wine and gossiping during commercial breaks with my gal pals, I'll be watching this upcoming season in the rust belt. While I won't be totally alone (thanks to a husband who knows who you're talking about when you say Bob Guinea, Trista Rehn, and Travis Stork), I sure will miss having my girls around. I sure will miss enjoying the delicious snacks and wine shared around an Ashley furniture coffee table. I sure will miss pausing to take Blackberry pictures. You may be far in miles. But close in my heart.

Soul Searching

Well kids, we're baaaaack. Our break from blogging, similar to Brad's past three years, has been filled with a great deal of self-reflection, soul searching, and intensive therapy.  Why do we really write this blog? What are we offering our readers?  Can we really commit to watching for another embarrassing season?  Upon our reflections, we realized it just wasn't right to have our fan, I mean fans, suffer. So here we are, ready for another go around. And it looks like this one will be a do-sy. 

Before jumping into this season, aka the Most Controversial Season of the Bachelor ever, I do have a few regrets about our break from the interweb.

1. The Weatherman. Jonathon from Ali's season seriously provided enough material to elicit a blog bearing his name yet for our selfish reasons, we opted not to write about Ali's season and now everyone has lost big time. The Weatherman with his tiny pectorals, grandpa-like sense of humor, and inability to realize that unless he grows a few inches in multiple places will never land a lady, made watching Ali's season worthwhile. Plus, he added so much to the Bachelor Pad this summer. I salute you, Weatherman, and on behalf of our team here at the Final Rose, hope you'll forgive our oversight.
2. "You're dangerous."  Watching Craig M. impersonate the other guys in the house talking about how he was "dangerous" continues to provide me much laughter.  Sometimes if I'm feeling extra sassy, I'll look away from the camera, turn back around guns blazing and say with a twinkle in my eye, "I'm dangerous" and just erupt into fits of laughter. What camera you say? Don't worry about it.
3. The Bachelor Pad. Between 'roid rage Dave, "Kip-Ten", the Brangelina like nickname of Kiptyn and Tenley, Gwen's question mark in place of her age the entire season -- she is 40, I guess I would be embarrassed too, and Nikki's still entirely too long woman sideburns, it was quite a summer of drama. Sorry we missed you. 

Side Note

So, I came to the much-neglected blog earlier today to change our "Current Bachelor" pic to one of Brad, and perhaps post about the newly announced "ladies" (more on that at a later date), but I legit looked at the pic we have up of Jake and though, "hunh, someone has already put up a pic of Brad."... It may be time for another edition of "Separated At Birth"....

Is it just me, or does

Jake Pavelka

look EXACTLY like...

Brad Womack?

Just sayin'.

Excuse Me Dear, Can I Borrow Your Concealer?

Yes, I know there have been rumors circulating the web about this for weeks, but ABC Finally posted the official list of Bachelor's for Ali's season of the Bachelorette-- which, thankfully doesn't seem to have an atrocious name at this point. Although I guess that does mean we miss out on the sweet performance of whatever theme song would have gone with it. Oh well.

So, gleefully, I went to ABC.com to pick my favorite guy and check out all the hotness. At the first picture, I thought, "eh, that guy looks a little douchey, what's with all the make-up?" but as I kept going, I realized it wasn't just him-- THEY ALL looked like that. ABC probably spent as much on air-brushing and teeth whitening for these pictures as they did to fix Matt Grant's gnarly british grin. One guy --Phil-- was so pale that I'm pretty sure he's trying to catch the attention of producers and get a part in the last instalment of the twilight saga. Ali- if he sparkles in the sunshine, you should really be afraid. Also, at least two guys wax their eyebrows - I'm looking at you Roberto and John C. But, the worst offender is really Craig, who's coiffed locks and too bright smile are just too much to bear.

Where are the guys-guys? Where are the beards (and no, Justin, your disgusting soul patch does not count). Sadly I don't envy Ali at all -- I wouldn't want to having to deal with the girly men AND a "not here for the right reasons" scandal. But, as much as I wouldn't want to deal with it… I can't wait to watch it!

OMG

I didn't think anything could shock me when it came to ABC's The Bachelor. Until I read this. Apparently Warner Brothers is releasing The Bachelor: The Videogame this summer. And while part of me might just go buy a Wii for the sole purpose of being able to play said video game, the other part of me is wondering, after all this time, have we finally crossed the line? 

Dancing his way towards 15 more minutes of fame...

Melissa Rycroft move over. Jake Pavelka is now upping his ante and increasing his reality TV appearances to 3. Last night, Jake was named a contestant on the new season of Dancing with the Stars. (Stars? STARS? Really!? If Jake is a star, then Trista Sutter is the damn president.) I'm actually shocked that boring Mr. Dateless is milking this thing for all it's worth. Could it be that Jake actually came on this show to become "famous," make a little extra cash, and get laid? Maybe we've all underestimated him because the last time I checked, someone passionate about aviation doesn't leave his job to dance the samba. For me, the fact that Jake got named contestant #11 on DWTS was the most dramatic part of the entire season. You know why? Because I sat by (with retard tingles) as Tenley performed a dramatic dance for Jake, pouring every ounce of her heart and soul into it and telling Jake and the entire Bachelor audience about her passion for dance. But is Tenley on Dancing with the Stars? Why don't you kick a girl while she is down ABC? Seriously. The poor girl gets her heart broken and then Jake gets to dance off (literally) with Vienna. I am mad. We all teased Tenley for her high-pitched Disney princess voice but at the end of the day, she is a nice girl. And she doesn't deserve a broken heart at the hands of Jake Pavelka. Tenley, if you're reading this, we support you. And my mom would like to invite you to Thanksgiving.

Jake Picked the Cross-Eyed Slut

I can’t take credit for this title myself – it’s courtesy of Matt from Warming Glow, which is a pretty hilarious TV blog, if you’ve never read it. In fact, he pretty much sums up my exact thoughts on the show last night with this short but sweet synopsis:

On “The Bachelor” finale, Jake’s family and everyone in America preferred Tenley, the better-looking girl who wasn’t a bitch, but Vienna proved that a Hooters girl without a gag reflex really can do anything if she does enough kegels.

In fact, he live-tweeted the finale last night and his tweets essentially capture every emotion I (and the rest of the Bachelor Fans) had last night. Perhaps the only thing he left out was when we got into a rather heated – and inappropriate – discussion about how often Jake probably gets boners throughout this whole “journey” and, consequently, blue balls (except with Vienna who I’m sure delivers, and how). The conversation came to a screeching halt when DCBachelorFan all of a sudden brought up lube (I’m still not even sure where that comes in) and HereForTheRightReasons said something about Tenley possibly having a leg-up on the competition being an almost-virgin and all… but with that I will redirect you to Matt’s comment about kegels above.

Anyway, obviously I am just as disgusted as the rest of America with Jake’s choice. But our buddy Chris Harrison had this perspective to put on the whole thing, from his blog:

How could anybody possibly have a problem with two people falling in love with one another and finding happiness together? I’m not saying you can’t be surprised or even think that one of the other women might have been better but now that he’s made his final decision and you see they are together and very much in love, how can you fault that? I can’t imagine telling anybody they’re an idiot for falling in love and finding happiness. How can that be wrong?

You’re right, Chris, what could be wrong with having this to wake up to for the rest of your life:

But seriously dude, you must be out of your mind. Are you really suggesting that people aren’t allowed to tell someone else “they’re an idiot for falling in love and finding happiness?” I don’t think that’s what people are telling Jake he’s an idiot for. It’s not the falling in love and finding happiness part, it’s the “falling in love,” i.e. developing some sort of early-thirties First Fuck Syndrome (sorry Mom) for a classless, cross-eyed stripper-looking immature piece of trash from the sticks. I mean literally I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a more ill-matched couple in my entire life. You bet your ass that if I had a friend marrying some imitation stripper who claimed to be “in love” but really we all knew it was all about the sex and nothing more and that one day he was going to wake up and regret the biggest mistake he’s ever made in his life (probably after spending some more time with Vienna’s dad), I would have something to say about it. And before you go and say something about how Jake isn’t my friend so I have no right to comment, he also went on NATIONAL TELEVISION to FIND A WIFE. He set himself up. And he’s an idiot. What you gonna do Harrison, what? WHAT?

Finally, I will close with really the main observation I had about the show(s) last night, which was: how PUMPED must Jeffrey Osborne be about the fact that they named this show after his one-hit-wonder song?! Dude has probably gotten royalties out the wazoo, not to mention got to perform on television – I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that the audience of the Bachelor is probably 20 times more people than all of his concert audiences he’s ever performed in front of combined. If I had to pick a “winner” of this season, we all know it wasn't Tenley, and it sure as hell isn't Vienna or Jake. It's Jeffrey Osborne.

Tune in next week for what’s sure to be a gag-fest/train wreck, I mean Jason and Molly’s wedding. And apparently there is some two-hour special on 20/20 the night of March 15th called “Inside The Bachelor: The Stories Behind the Rose.” You know I will be glued to my couch watching! I couldn’t call myself a Bachelor Fan otherwise!

Sully Sullenberger

So I know I have been totally M.I.A. this season, which I must say I greatly regret, but I couldn't go the entire season without at least one post. Especially this season as it has been a perplexing paradox - a boring trainwreck. While I wish I could admit to having watched EVERY episode this season (even when I couldn't make it to group get-togethers), I'd be lying. I have, however, watched most of the episodes, and definitely enough to feel that that latest quote from Jimmy Kimmel - who, by the way, is a DIE HARD Bachelor fan - pretty much sums up this entire season...

"If [Jake] picks Vienna... I'll just say this: If he thinks that's a good decision, I don't want him flying my plane... That's not Sully Sullenberger-type decision-making."

How It All Began

As LAT Bachelor Fan so kindly noted in recent posts, these past few weeks have been traumatic here in DC. The hiatus from our traditional Monday night bachelor-watching party was torture. It was comforting to be back together tonight – after all, the hilarity of Jake and his awkwardness only grows with the number of viewers in the room. And as Ali has learned this season, distance makes the heart grow fonder. So in missing our Monday night wine, it caused me to reflect on what makes this season and in particular, this bachelor group so special. Let me begin with the season reflection and what has really been plaguing us in recent months – the one man we in DC have been cursing all season – Brad Womack.


For some sick reason, America seems to have fallen in love with boring, I mean perfect, Jake. I personally like to think of him as just another shell on the Bachelor necklace, not unlike the gay puka one Jake wore last week in St. Lucia. So in tracing those shells, let’s think back to how this all began: Brad-Deanna-Jason-Jillian-Jake. That is one F*ed up chain. I can only hope that one of Jake’s dumpees (Ali!!!) comes back as the next Bachelorette, Brad pulls a reverse-Trista move to come back as a contestant, and they get hitched. Let’s bring this thing full circle and be done with it once and for all. After all, I hold Brad, the Devil, fully accountable for the boring-ness of this season.

Now perhaps it’s not fair to put this all on Brad’s shoulders. Perhaps I’m being judgmental. But let’s be honest, the mere sight of Vienna’s crossed eyes makes me wish Brad had never been born – or at least had just married Jenny (shout out to my girl even though no one else liked her)! The truth remains that every time Jake awkwardly kisses someone’s nose then forehead, I cringe and think “I HATE you, Brad.” Then at the same time, we periodically get a great balcony-lean/cry from Jake (10 bucks one happens next week), I’m secretly pleased, and I forgive Brad just a little inside.

So in having to go through two weeks of loneliness (can I blame Brad for DC’s snow storm too?), I was ready to be back with the girls. But let me first describe last week’s viewing pleasure…

As I mentioned, I was again stuck at home – the car snowed in as DC Bachelor Fan nicely demonstrated. So I settled on the couch in my sweats ready to enjoy all St. Lucia had to offer. Now, in sheer desperation to maintain dibs on his prime location on the sectional, my (relatively new) husband agreed to watch with me. Let’s just say, I think he saw his first and last episode. Not only was he completely confused about why I kept yelling “DAMN it, Brad!” but he also wanted to know how I knew Vienna had gotten her swim suit at Sears. My only moment of appreciation at his lack of Bachelor enthusiasm was his absolute shock when Gia was kicked off; in fact he commented she was the only “normal” one. (READ: Heeeelllloooooo huge knockers.) So in recognizing that while I had maybe found my own “co-pilot,” I certainly had not found a new Bachelor-watching friend.

So even tonight’s “The Girls Tell All” – usually the worst show of the season – was a breath of fresh air. After all, we certainly know my husband would not have been as excited to relive Bachelor veterans handing out oranges at a food bank as we were tonight. Nor would he have appreciated Shayne’s wretched hair or Robin’s obvious weight gain. It continues to amaze us how Chris Harrison can fill two hours with absolutely NOTHING.

In our anxiousness to make up for lost time together, we girls have already hashed out next week’s viewing party, and the menu is set for the approaching Molly/Jason debacle. So alas, we head toward the season finale and an awkward wedding, after which Monday will no longer be my favorite day of the week. And although Gia’s boobs won’t get any smaller, Vienna’s eyes will not uncross themselves, and Brad will continue to top my sh*t list, I will ALWAYS love and appreciate the girls who entertain me daily, and you weekly, with their literary genius and Bachelor enthusiasm.

The Cutting Edge

Well ladies and... ladies, tonight we narrowed it down to the final two. Were you surprised at the outcome? I think that many of my blog ladies did not see Vienna in the final two. I say that I think and not know because I don't have confirmation. This was week TWO that Snowmagheddon kept me away from my fellow DC Bachelor Fans. Not only did it snow again tonight, but there is still snow residue, mountains, unclear roads, etc. that kept us away from each other. I can say that this is the first time I've ever watched fantasy dates alone. And it sucked.

However, the one good thing about tonight and the fact that my ladies weren't with me was that I switched back and forth between The Bach and Olympic Couples Figure Skating. Is it weird that a) I felt more love between the figure skating pairs (even when most of the men are gay) than I do between Jake and any of the remaining Bachelorettes and b) I am insanely disappointed every time I watch pairs figure skating and none of them attempt a death-defying move (aka, the Pamchenko) like Doug and Kate do in one of the best movies of all time, The Cutting Edge? I also get upset when all of the music is all classical and boring and doesn't start with car-revving engines, a la the following:



Anyway, I guess I digress but as I said, I was more consumed with my imagined love affairs between the figure skating couples than I was with the "love" going on between any of these "couples" on The Bach. Again, it goes back to my obsession with The Cutting Edge, apparently one of the greatest love stories of our time.

I don't have too much to say on tonight's episode, because as we've learned in the past (13 Bach, 5 Bach'ette) seasons, at this point in the show it all begins to sound the same. The Bach/Bach'ette can't believe he or she is falling in love with three women/men at the same time. Blah, blah, go on three romantic dates that would never be monetarily possible unless your significant other was Warren Buffet or Oprah, and fall madly in love because you are being put in a position that is so far removed from real life you might as well be... like... skating with the love of your life in the Olympics.

Things I did notice:
1) Both Tenley and Vienna have horribly fake nails. The one girl who you actually would think should have fake nails - Gia from Staten Island, I mean "Manhattan" - actually has real nails.
2) Vienna wore the same "Sears" swimsuit that we pointed out in a previous post again in this episode.
3) Despite dodging the trashy fake nails bullet, Gia has a tummy tat and so does Vienna:



At the end of this episode, the final DubTee (that's short for "White Trash," for all of you high-brows out there) tally is as follows:

Gia:
+ 1 for a tummy tat
+ 1 for posing in Maxim
+ 1 for fake boobies =
__________________
Total of 3

Tenley:
+ 1 for the fake nails
+ 1 for a divorce after one year at age 25
- 1 for the fact that she is willing to cheesy-talk Jake into an oblivion, which he likes ("You can lead me [in the dance of life] forever, you can dip me forever" =
__________________
Total of 2

Vienna:
+ 1 for fake nails
+ 1 for tummy tat
+ 1 for Sears bathing suit
+ 1 for fake boobies
+ 1 for allegedly posing topless =
__________________
Total of 5

This surely means Vienna is the worst match for Jake and, in keeping with The Bachelor tradition of men thinking with their penises and choosing the worst girl for them, surely means that Vienna will "win" the "prize" this season and end up with Jake.

Adios to Gia, and we'll see you next week for the (most boring episode of the season, but the one for which I will hopefully be reunited with my fellow DC Bachelor Fans) "The Women Tell All!"