The Bachelor: Daddy Issues

ABC, in all its infinite wisdom decided not to give this season of the Bachelor a subtitle. Which, given Monday’s performance and Brad’s make-out tendencies is good, because it probably would have been called The Bachelor: Kiss from a Rose. However, I have another suggestion. They should have called it The Bachelor: Daddy Issues. It all started with Brad’s stumbling admission in the first episode that he didn’t propose to Deanna not because she was bossy and blinked a lot, but because his dad was MIA for most of his childhood. Now, in a weird and misguided attempt to bond with Brad, every single lady is pulling a daddy skeleton out of the closet, and the Bachelor is EATING IT UP. Although, I guess ABC did the best it could. I’m not going to judge or anything, but given that they found 30 (!) women in their 20s (and Michelle) who were willing to date someone who was almost 40, I guess there were bound to be some daddy issues.

I really hope this serious streak doesn't last past this season. It will ruin everything I love about the Bachelor. Kind of like when Extreme Makeover went from Plastic Surgery to giving downtrodden people new houses. Thank God Bridalplasty swooped in to save the day! So, I say Enough with the tears already! We’re here to find love! And, as the resident Dr. Phil explained, the best way to find love it for Brad to open his hole and let the ladies stick something in. Granted, I fast forwarded through like ½ of this part, but it seemed like a really long and awkward reverse-psychology metaphor for sex. Put something in the hole? Don’t worry, doc, this Bachelor has got that one down. And, judging by the fifteen times he commented on his sexual chemistry for Chantal, she may be the first to reap all the benefits of Brad’s new “therapist”. (My new favorite piece of information is that this “Life Coach” (read: not a trained professional) once played in the 90s band Go West! AWESOME.)

I actually like Chantal, and I’m really excited to see if she does in fact give Michelle a black-eye. I’m betting on the fact that Michelle does it to herself to get more attention, because the girl is bat-shit crazy. And a little desperate. But, mostly just crazy. Did she really expect the bachelor to meet her and declare the whole season at an end? Also, it may be a hometown hero thing, but I really like Emily too. (WhooHoo NASCAR country!) At first, I thought she was going to be a little too homespun, but I think she’s actually pretty down to earth, and I admire her for calling those crazies out last week for being “smartasses”. Although that Grand Ole Opry Off the Shoulder number she was sporting in the first episode was terrifying. Terrifying.