As LAT Bachelor Fan so kindly noted in recent posts, these past few weeks have been traumatic here in DC. The hiatus from our traditional Monday night bachelor-watching party was torture. It was comforting to be back together tonight – after all, the hilarity of Jake and his awkwardness only grows with the number of viewers in the room. And as Ali has learned this season, distance makes the heart grow fonder. So in missing our Monday night wine, it caused me to reflect on what makes this season and in particular, this bachelor group so special. Let me begin with the season reflection and what has really been plaguing us in recent months – the one man we in DC have been cursing all season – Brad Womack.
For some sick reason, America seems to have fallen in love with boring, I mean perfect, Jake. I personally like to think of him as just another shell on the Bachelor necklace, not unlike the gay puka one Jake wore last week in St. Lucia. So in tracing those shells, let’s think back to how this all began: Brad-Deanna-Jason-Jillian-Jake. That is one F*ed up chain. I can only hope that one of Jake’s dumpees (Ali!!!) comes back as the next Bachelorette, Brad pulls a reverse-Trista move to come back as a contestant, and they get hitched. Let’s bring this thing full circle and be done with it once and for all. After all, I hold Brad, the Devil, fully accountable for the boring-ness of this season.
Now perhaps it’s not fair to put this all on Brad’s shoulders. Perhaps I’m being judgmental. But let’s be honest, the mere sight of Vienna’s crossed eyes makes me wish Brad had never been born – or at least had just married Jenny (shout out to my girl even though no one else liked her)! The truth remains that every time Jake awkwardly kisses someone’s nose then forehead, I cringe and think “I HATE you, Brad.” Then at the same time, we periodically get a great balcony-lean/cry from Jake (10 bucks one happens next week), I’m secretly pleased, and I forgive Brad just a little inside.
So in having to go through two weeks of loneliness (can I blame Brad for DC’s snow storm too?), I was ready to be back with the girls. But let me first describe last week’s viewing pleasure…
As I mentioned, I was again stuck at home – the car snowed in as DC Bachelor Fan nicely demonstrated. So I settled on the couch in my sweats ready to enjoy all St. Lucia had to offer. Now, in sheer desperation to maintain dibs on his prime location on the sectional, my (relatively new) husband agreed to watch with me. Let’s just say, I think he saw his first and last episode. Not only was he completely confused about why I kept yelling “DAMN it, Brad!” but he also wanted to know how I knew Vienna had gotten her swim suit at Sears. My only moment of appreciation at his lack of Bachelor enthusiasm was his absolute shock when Gia was kicked off; in fact he commented she was the only “normal” one. (READ: Heeeelllloooooo huge knockers.) So in recognizing that while I had maybe found my own “co-pilot,” I certainly had not found a new Bachelor-watching friend.
So even tonight’s “The Girls Tell All” – usually the worst show of the season – was a breath of fresh air. After all, we certainly know my husband would not have been as excited to relive Bachelor veterans handing out oranges at a food bank as we were tonight. Nor would he have appreciated Shayne’s wretched hair or Robin’s obvious weight gain. It continues to amaze us how Chris Harrison can fill two hours with absolutely NOTHING.
In our anxiousness to make up for lost time together, we girls have already hashed out next week’s viewing party, and the menu is set for the approaching Molly/Jason debacle. So alas, we head toward the season finale and an awkward wedding, after which Monday will no longer be my favorite day of the week. And although Gia’s boobs won’t get any smaller, Vienna’s eyes will not uncross themselves, and Brad will continue to top my sh*t list, I will ALWAYS love and appreciate the girls who entertain me daily, and you weekly, with their literary genius and Bachelor enthusiasm.
For some sick reason, America seems to have fallen in love with boring, I mean perfect, Jake. I personally like to think of him as just another shell on the Bachelor necklace, not unlike the gay puka one Jake wore last week in St. Lucia. So in tracing those shells, let’s think back to how this all began: Brad-Deanna-Jason-Jillian-Jake. That is one F*ed up chain. I can only hope that one of Jake’s dumpees (Ali!!!) comes back as the next Bachelorette, Brad pulls a reverse-Trista move to come back as a contestant, and they get hitched. Let’s bring this thing full circle and be done with it once and for all. After all, I hold Brad, the Devil, fully accountable for the boring-ness of this season.
Now perhaps it’s not fair to put this all on Brad’s shoulders. Perhaps I’m being judgmental. But let’s be honest, the mere sight of Vienna’s crossed eyes makes me wish Brad had never been born – or at least had just married Jenny (shout out to my girl even though no one else liked her)! The truth remains that every time Jake awkwardly kisses someone’s nose then forehead, I cringe and think “I HATE you, Brad.” Then at the same time, we periodically get a great balcony-lean/cry from Jake (10 bucks one happens next week), I’m secretly pleased, and I forgive Brad just a little inside.
So in having to go through two weeks of loneliness (can I blame Brad for DC’s snow storm too?), I was ready to be back with the girls. But let me first describe last week’s viewing pleasure…
As I mentioned, I was again stuck at home – the car snowed in as DC Bachelor Fan nicely demonstrated. So I settled on the couch in my sweats ready to enjoy all St. Lucia had to offer. Now, in sheer desperation to maintain dibs on his prime location on the sectional, my (relatively new) husband agreed to watch with me. Let’s just say, I think he saw his first and last episode. Not only was he completely confused about why I kept yelling “DAMN it, Brad!” but he also wanted to know how I knew Vienna had gotten her swim suit at Sears. My only moment of appreciation at his lack of Bachelor enthusiasm was his absolute shock when Gia was kicked off; in fact he commented she was the only “normal” one. (READ: Heeeelllloooooo huge knockers.) So in recognizing that while I had maybe found my own “co-pilot,” I certainly had not found a new Bachelor-watching friend.
So even tonight’s “The Girls Tell All” – usually the worst show of the season – was a breath of fresh air. After all, we certainly know my husband would not have been as excited to relive Bachelor veterans handing out oranges at a food bank as we were tonight. Nor would he have appreciated Shayne’s wretched hair or Robin’s obvious weight gain. It continues to amaze us how Chris Harrison can fill two hours with absolutely NOTHING.
In our anxiousness to make up for lost time together, we girls have already hashed out next week’s viewing party, and the menu is set for the approaching Molly/Jason debacle. So alas, we head toward the season finale and an awkward wedding, after which Monday will no longer be my favorite day of the week. And although Gia’s boobs won’t get any smaller, Vienna’s eyes will not uncross themselves, and Brad will continue to top my sh*t list, I will ALWAYS love and appreciate the girls who entertain me daily, and you weekly, with their literary genius and Bachelor enthusiasm.
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Granted DeAHNNA, Jason, and Jake were terribly painful seasons, but Brad was HOT. And at least Deanna's season gave us a lot of eye candy! Jake is painfully dull, but let's remember Brad w/fondness!
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