Yes, That JUST Happened

Well, to quote one of the Douchebagettes from last night's show, fasten your seat belts gals, because this season is going to be a "bumpy ride." I mean, if Chris Harrison says it's going to be the "most dramatic season of the Bachelor ever," it has to be true right? I mean it's not like he's ever said that before about a past season? Or spoken in gross exaggerations and hyperbole?

Aaaanyway I do have to say that I thoroughly enjoyed myself last night whilst watching this season's premiere. Jake delivered in all his cheesedick glory, and there was enough crazy in that room of women to fill an entire airplane hangar (heh). As predicted, there were a multitude of cringe-worthy and retard tingle-inducing moments throughout the show. We obviously lost count, but there were at least 3 moments in the night where all 10 of us literally screamed, and that's in addition to the many times there were numerous mutterings of "oh my god, oh my god" happening. Here is the highlight reel:

• Ali's peacock feather
• Ashleigh's fall (though according to Chris Harrison, it was fake)
• Ellen's "boop" to Jake's face as she pulled the old "what's that on your shirt?!" bit
• Valishia's incredibly sexual rubbing of the Texas dirt into Jake's palm
• Vienna molesting Jake's abs within minutes of meeting him
• Corrie's Kissimmee joke that went over like a turd in a punch bowl ("What do you think of Kissin Me... teee hee I'm from Kissimmee, Florida)
• Channy's grotesque reference to her landing strip

• Ashley's attempt at humor by dressing in a stewardess outfit (meanwhile Kathryn's all "I'm a FLIGHT ATTENDANT, BITCH"
• Tenley's brain being so small that she can't even remember the things she likes about herself and instead has to write them down and read them to Jake from a list
• Tenley's borderline breakdown because she regretting brushing Jake's lips with hers... oh well, as she said when she got the first impression rose, "Now HE can chase ME" because apparently this vapid idiot has never watched the show before and/or likes to set herself up for failure
• Michelle's sociopath tendencies lurking just beneath the surface during her alone time with Jake when she might as well have told him that a) her eggs were rotting or b) that if she doesn't win, she is going to skin him and wear him like a coat

And as I said, these were just the highlights. After last night's episode, here are the tallies as they stand now:

• Shirtless Jake Shots: 7, but this does not include the teaser at the end of the episode, because we'll count those when we get to them in real time
• Boob Job Count: at least 10, right?
  
• Retard Tingles Tally: I think a conservative estimate for the RTs from last night's episode is 37.

Finally, here's a quick rundown of the 15 Douchebagettes remaining:

• Ali, who despite being dumped for Halo, we like anyway
• Ashleigh, whose dress was horrendous but if in fact that fall was fake, you fooled us all so you go girl
• Ashley, whose mom is apparently a 17-year-old who buys her clothes at Wet Seal
• Christina, who although she is a self-proclaimed bitch, I have yet to be impressed with - let's step it up next week, sister
  
• Corrie, my #1 nominee for girl who sleeps with the producer next week
• Elizabeth, who may have the WORST boob job I have ever seen, but outside of that she seems pretty cool
• Ella, who was deducted major points in my book for giving Jake her son's prized airplane toy... you know that floozy ripped it from his hot little toddler hands before turning her back on his temper tantrum in order to go gallivanting off with the world's biggest douche
• Gia, who is from Manhattan... enough said
• Jessie, whose dress looked like a lampshade in a bordello and her hair looks like she just got up from servicing one of her clients in that same bordello
• Kathryn, who has received some flak on the 'net so far today for her dress, but I thought it was quite adorable
  
• Michelle, the single white female
• Rozlyn, whose humongous fake boobies I want to pop with a safety pin
• Tenley, a 25 year-old divorcee
• Valishia, who is somehow a "Homemaker" even though she is single... 10 to 1 odds she is a gold digging bitch who lives off her ex-husband's alimony checks and is the one they were referencing in the preview who is hiding that she has children and is divorced
• Vienna, who I will just call "Erica #2" after the gem that was Erica on Lorenzo's season, and she's also cross-eyed
  

So, all in all, I think this is going to be a highly entertaining "most dramatic season of the Bachelor EVER," all things considered. Many things to look forward to, including Jake crying on at least 1 balcony, his tantrum and walkout during an interview, lies lies and more lies from the Douchebagettes, and the "sexual affair" that goes on between one of the girls and a crew member. I've already stated who I think is going to get caught red-handed, what does everyone else think? See you back here next week!