Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Quotes from Last Night

Some choice quotations from the show last night:

"You guys are gonna hang out in here without Jill while I go in the vault and have dinner with Wes." - Jillian explaining what was about to go down at the end of the scavenger hunt date. Ok, Jill, talking about yourself in the third person is the first step towards beginning to act like Deanna "It's All About Me" Pappas. PLEASE for the love of God try and stay grounded despite this unique situation. You are cute but you ain't all that and nothing is more of a turnoff than a girl with an overblown ego. Let's just keep this whole thing in perspective, sister.

"Yeah, I'd definitely like to get married at--" Jillian being interrupted by Jake kissing her in the middle of a sentence. I can't decide if that was cute or creepy. I think I'm coming down on the cute side of the fence, but there was something about it that was a little too contrived, and I'm not sold on Jake. A total hottie but seems a little too intense for having known Jillian for 2 days. This dude either has the marriage bug real bad or he just wants to "win" Jillian because he is competitive but doesn't end up actually liking her.

"It's not too early for a poem." - Juan, discussing strategy with the rest of the guys before their date. What?! I am going to go out on a limb here and say that it is always too early for a poem. Jill is no Trista; you can't get to her heart through some ill-rhyming verse you throw together. I hope that for Jill's sake this poem never comes to fruition. Juan is such a slick little creeper, I cannot wait until he is sent home. And in that same vein...

"He should go drown himself." - Dave in regards to Juan. This guy Dave has some serious rage issues, but I would be lying if I said we were not cracking up every time he opened his mouth. His incessant threats of violence to Juan were pretttty hilarious, albeit frightening (look at those crazy eyes! <-----). We also liked "If I could punch someone, it'd be Juan."

"I stopped focusing on what he was saying because I just wanted to make out with him." - Jillian in reference to Kiptyn. While on the one hand I commend Jill for going to what she wants and just leaning in to all these guys to make out, I would hate for the guys to be turned off by her being so forward. I am all for her gettin' it done, but perhaps she can sometimes let the men make the first move too.

"I'm hung like a light switch." - Brian describing his inch long-penis after taking a naked dive into the pool at the rose ceremony. This quote had us both laughing and confused. For a second we were like, wait is that good or bad? A light switch because it would turn her on? Or the literal size of a light switch, aka 1 inch? We realized that he must have meant size when Jilli gave him the boot last evening. A woman after my own heart, judging a guy harshly on penis size. Props, Jill!

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Large feet, amazing insight...

Some of our most committed audience (thanks BM!), have read about our great friend with the large hoofs. Well until Monday, she has been hiding some of the zingers that make her so much fun to watch the Bachelor with. It has been said that I steal other people's material and if you had friends as funny as mine, so would you. So at this time, I bring you some of my favorite one-liners from other members of our Bachelor-watching clan.

"What kind of airline pilot is such a nerd that they use the term aviation?"

"Mathue looks like a retarded teddy bear."

"Jesse's eyes are a bit close together. Perhaps a sign of fetal alcohol syndrome. I mean, his family does own a vineyard." (But he is NO Andrew Firestone, that's for damn sure)

And finally, since when does someone who speaks English need SUBTITLES?? It's not like he was the Italian chick from Lorenzo's season in Italy who actually spoke a different language. This guy, while a bit oversized and somewhat creepy, speaks our language. Are Americans that dumb that we can not just listen a little harder or use the replay button on our DVRs to understand someone from where our mother tongue was created? Geesh. Off soapbox.

Taking notes...

Yes, literally. I take notes during the Bachelorette. And not like at work where I take notes to look like I'm super interested in a meeting about how to book conference room space in our office. I realized that the reason I take diligent notes during the Bachelorette (and Bachelor) is because I NEED to. I get too tipsy drinking wine with my other DC Bachelor Fans that if I didn't take notes, I wouldn't remember a damn thing. Which is why it took me a while to make this post. I mean, I can barely read my own hand writing. (See pic. I think the one note says, "Only foreigner, only giant." That is kind of funny actually. I wish I knew if I thought of that myself or stole that material from someone else. I cannot identify what I wrote next to the number I assume is a 15. Tanner P. perhaps?) And I usually have amazing penmanship. To the point where it looks slightly like a 12 year old girl's handwriting and sometimes people hold their breath to see if I'll dot my "i" with a heart...but I digress. Moving on to my assessment of the Bachelorette premier. The moment we all had been waiting for was a bit of a let down. I miss the days of Deanna announcing, "and if you win this challenge, you get to spend more time with me." She really did love herself. Jilli is much more laid back and undemanding of these men's attention. She needs to get a bit more feisty in order for this season to get back on track. A (male) friend of mine, also an avid watcher of the Bachelor, whose name will remain nameless, has often commented on the reason the Bachelorette is never as juicy as the Bachelor. His assessment is that guys are too laid back to get catty, gossip behind each other's backs, and generally create the drama we all know and love. Does this group of gentlemen have any of those qualities we need to keep our attention?

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Who IS that guy?

Jillian has the whole girl-next-door thing down pat, and that's really why we love her. That and her incredible wardrobe are what make me want to be her friend. Maybe one day she'll let me borrow her pink gloves and we'll go to a Nitty Gritty Dirt Band concert.... So, its hard to blame her for making a few mistakes, since we've all been there at 4am with the beer goggles on; But at least we're not in for another season of "You're not paying enough attention to me" temper tantrums. So, yes - there were a few disappointments: The poor white dress choice, for one. Not only did the dress get ruined before the Bachelors even got there (not that they noticed), but it was also a little too Wedding Day symbolic for my taste; - there were a few great calls: Ed and Jake are warring for the title of My Favorite; I love these two almost as much as I love WHEAT THINS. But there were also a number of decisions which left me perplexed… and that's what worries me.

For at least 3 of the guys Jillian chose, I remember thinking "Who IS that guy?" Apparently at some point, Brad revealed that he was the avid pole-vaulter (see deleted scenes at EW); and I imagine that she and Reid connected over something, but I didn't see it. So, in theory, it was nice of ABC to give our gal Jill more men, but in reality, there was too much going on. Jill missed out on the creepy foot-fetish signals from Tanner P., and we missed out on whatever seemingly hilarious conversation about being a foreigner that Jill might have had with Simon. To make matters worse, four guys aren't even going to get to go on dates next week. How is a person supposed to find love on national television in 13 weeks without a little QT?

Sadly, No Disco Ball Trophy For Melissa

Former Bachelor contestant Melissa received third place on the Dancing With the Stars finale last night. I will now admit that I have been loosely following this show this season since Melissa was on it and I do feel bad for her and wish her the best. Even though she got third place, I guess on the bright side at least she didn't get first place and then get demoted to second place 6 weeks later? Congratulations, Melissa! Your dances were always spot-on and you looked fabulous, if at times a little vampire-ish (and your partner was constipated)!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

First Impressions

Dearest Jillian,

I agree with the overarching theme from the season premiere last night - people deserve a second chance before you judge them based solely on your first impression of them. So, just as you forgave Douchebag Dave for his embarassing, cringe-worthy first impression and gave him the First Impression Rose, so will I forgive you and your show for the sour first impression I have been left with.

Forgivings aside, Jill (or should I call you Jilli, an apparent new nickname that our buddy Chris Harrison has coined), - WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?! Seriously, you sent at least 2 (maybe 3, maybe 4, depending on your opinion) guys packing who had some real potench! Obviously we know I am mainly talking about Caleb here, but Bryce was a cutie, some people seemed to like Kyle's hipster jacket/pants/shoes, and despite the fact that John H. looked at times like he wanted to eat your face, he was adorable. Big mistake(s). Huge.

I would think that in a group of THIRTY men, when all you need to do is send home TEN, this job should be pretty easy. If it were me, I would just get hammered - a task you seemed to excel in, actually - and let my beer goggles do the choosing... as in, just send home the 10 guys who, even once you are significantly drunk, you still don't want to make out with. Easy enough right? But I will give you props for giving Stephen the boot... I don't know if there's enough wine or vodka or even roofies that would get me drunk enough to want to make out with that guy. Receding hairline, inflated unnecessary ego and an annoying New York accent? That's a dealbreaker, ladies!

Anyway, I guess the damage is done and I'll quit dwelling on the past (but if you ever speak to Caleb again, seriously tell him to email me - dcbachelorfans (at) gmail (dot) com). Besides the fact that you're left with half the male population of Texas and two guys named Tanner, I do think there are some gems in the group. So don't eff this one up, ok? I don't care how nice or sweet a guy is, you should still want to dry hump him in a hot tub, right? Let's keep the rest of the hotties around - no need to make a Deanna-esque mistake and end up with an unattrative stoner just because he was nice to you. Here is our list, in no order of preference, of favorites for you:

Ed - Seemingly innocent and sweet, and easy on the eyes
Jake - Despite the fact he is a pilot and one member of our group seems to think pilot = cheater, he is a hottie
Jesse - Chris O'Donnel lookalike AND the owner of a vineyard? Yes, please
Mark - Well, we just really like pizza

...And that's all I can really remember at this point because by the end of the show we were in the midst of a heated debate about what is better, Triscuits or Wheat Thins? Unfortunately this debate ended in a tie and we STILL do not have a definitive answer. Feel free to weigh in with your vote and set the record straight.

Until next week,
LATBachelorFan

Monday, May 18, 2009

I'm So Excited, And I Just Can't Hide It

Just a quick note to say that I am as excited as a kid in a candy shop about the premiere tonight! I love Jillian like a fat kid love cake! And insert some other cheesy metaphor here for how awesome this season is going to be! Yippeeeee!! I will be back tomorrow to report on my take on the premiere, and hopefully my faithful co-bloggers will input their 2 cents as well. Until then...

Thursday, May 7, 2009

With An Eye Towards The Future...

...and what I'm sure will prove to be an awesome season of the Bachelorette with Jillian, I still am dwelling on the past just a tad. I just thought that you all should know that Jason and Molly now have their own blog, and they write about their (gag me) relationship. I think it all seems really forced and lame, but don't take my word for it, see for yourself. Obviously Jason is a total tool and Molly sucks because I can't imagine any normal, sane couple doing this. Imagine how the conversation would go.

Her: "Hey shmoopie, I realize we've only been dating for like a month or whatever, but I think it would be a really good idea for us to start blogging about our relationship."

Him: "Are you insane? That is literally the worst idea I have ever heard."

Her: "Come on, it will help our friends and complete strangers to be able to read about inane and incredibly private details of our personal lives. I think it sounds awesome!"

Him: "Right, awesomely wretched. Seriously, you couldn't keep the crazy under wraps for longer than a month? This is over."

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Lucky Bitch

Ok Jill. Yes, you are my girl crush (second to Zooey Deschanel and Rachel McAdams, but only when she is a brunette), and yes, I think you are awesome. But you are one lucky bitch and I am jealous as all get-out. Seriously everyone, do what FirestoneFever says and check out Jillian's Bachelors. Holy Hotness Batman!! As FF points out, there are some obvious duds in the group like guys with weird names, 2 guys named Tanner (wtf?), a "Pizza Entrepeneur," and a shocking LACK of fellow Canuks for the Horny Mounty, but there are also some hot peices of grade-A tuchus. I have pasted a picture of my fave below... "Caleb." Hot name. Seriously my heart hurts this guy is so hot. I have a thing for dudes with beards, AND to top it all off, this guy is from the great state of Missouri! Eff judging a book by its cover - Caleb, will you marry me?!

The More the Merrier

Ladies, start your engines….. Only 12 days to go before the exciting season premiere of The Bachelorette, with everyone's favorite girl crush, Jillian. In what I'm sure is going to be "the most dramatic rose ceremony ever" (Because let's face it, the actual rose ceremony between Jason and Melissa was pretty anti-climatic. It's what came later that left me shocked and appalled), Jillian has to choose between THIRTY guys. This is an ABC first, but I think Jillian can handle it. Hopefully they'll start things off right with a cookout to just get rid of all the ketchup-eating mamma's boys.

Granted, some of the guys have goofy names like "Mathue" and "Kiptyn", but overall this is one smokin' hot group of guys. Check out the hotness at ABC, because while you can't judge a book by its cover, sometimes its fun to just look….