Sully Sullenberger

So I know I have been totally M.I.A. this season, which I must say I greatly regret, but I couldn't go the entire season without at least one post. Especially this season as it has been a perplexing paradox - a boring trainwreck. While I wish I could admit to having watched EVERY episode this season (even when I couldn't make it to group get-togethers), I'd be lying. I have, however, watched most of the episodes, and definitely enough to feel that that latest quote from Jimmy Kimmel - who, by the way, is a DIE HARD Bachelor fan - pretty much sums up this entire season...

"If [Jake] picks Vienna... I'll just say this: If he thinks that's a good decision, I don't want him flying my plane... That's not Sully Sullenberger-type decision-making."

How It All Began

As LAT Bachelor Fan so kindly noted in recent posts, these past few weeks have been traumatic here in DC. The hiatus from our traditional Monday night bachelor-watching party was torture. It was comforting to be back together tonight – after all, the hilarity of Jake and his awkwardness only grows with the number of viewers in the room. And as Ali has learned this season, distance makes the heart grow fonder. So in missing our Monday night wine, it caused me to reflect on what makes this season and in particular, this bachelor group so special. Let me begin with the season reflection and what has really been plaguing us in recent months – the one man we in DC have been cursing all season – Brad Womack.


For some sick reason, America seems to have fallen in love with boring, I mean perfect, Jake. I personally like to think of him as just another shell on the Bachelor necklace, not unlike the gay puka one Jake wore last week in St. Lucia. So in tracing those shells, let’s think back to how this all began: Brad-Deanna-Jason-Jillian-Jake. That is one F*ed up chain. I can only hope that one of Jake’s dumpees (Ali!!!) comes back as the next Bachelorette, Brad pulls a reverse-Trista move to come back as a contestant, and they get hitched. Let’s bring this thing full circle and be done with it once and for all. After all, I hold Brad, the Devil, fully accountable for the boring-ness of this season.

Now perhaps it’s not fair to put this all on Brad’s shoulders. Perhaps I’m being judgmental. But let’s be honest, the mere sight of Vienna’s crossed eyes makes me wish Brad had never been born – or at least had just married Jenny (shout out to my girl even though no one else liked her)! The truth remains that every time Jake awkwardly kisses someone’s nose then forehead, I cringe and think “I HATE you, Brad.” Then at the same time, we periodically get a great balcony-lean/cry from Jake (10 bucks one happens next week), I’m secretly pleased, and I forgive Brad just a little inside.

So in having to go through two weeks of loneliness (can I blame Brad for DC’s snow storm too?), I was ready to be back with the girls. But let me first describe last week’s viewing pleasure…

As I mentioned, I was again stuck at home – the car snowed in as DC Bachelor Fan nicely demonstrated. So I settled on the couch in my sweats ready to enjoy all St. Lucia had to offer. Now, in sheer desperation to maintain dibs on his prime location on the sectional, my (relatively new) husband agreed to watch with me. Let’s just say, I think he saw his first and last episode. Not only was he completely confused about why I kept yelling “DAMN it, Brad!” but he also wanted to know how I knew Vienna had gotten her swim suit at Sears. My only moment of appreciation at his lack of Bachelor enthusiasm was his absolute shock when Gia was kicked off; in fact he commented she was the only “normal” one. (READ: Heeeelllloooooo huge knockers.) So in recognizing that while I had maybe found my own “co-pilot,” I certainly had not found a new Bachelor-watching friend.

So even tonight’s “The Girls Tell All” – usually the worst show of the season – was a breath of fresh air. After all, we certainly know my husband would not have been as excited to relive Bachelor veterans handing out oranges at a food bank as we were tonight. Nor would he have appreciated Shayne’s wretched hair or Robin’s obvious weight gain. It continues to amaze us how Chris Harrison can fill two hours with absolutely NOTHING.

In our anxiousness to make up for lost time together, we girls have already hashed out next week’s viewing party, and the menu is set for the approaching Molly/Jason debacle. So alas, we head toward the season finale and an awkward wedding, after which Monday will no longer be my favorite day of the week. And although Gia’s boobs won’t get any smaller, Vienna’s eyes will not uncross themselves, and Brad will continue to top my sh*t list, I will ALWAYS love and appreciate the girls who entertain me daily, and you weekly, with their literary genius and Bachelor enthusiasm.

The Cutting Edge

Well ladies and... ladies, tonight we narrowed it down to the final two. Were you surprised at the outcome? I think that many of my blog ladies did not see Vienna in the final two. I say that I think and not know because I don't have confirmation. This was week TWO that Snowmagheddon kept me away from my fellow DC Bachelor Fans. Not only did it snow again tonight, but there is still snow residue, mountains, unclear roads, etc. that kept us away from each other. I can say that this is the first time I've ever watched fantasy dates alone. And it sucked.

However, the one good thing about tonight and the fact that my ladies weren't with me was that I switched back and forth between The Bach and Olympic Couples Figure Skating. Is it weird that a) I felt more love between the figure skating pairs (even when most of the men are gay) than I do between Jake and any of the remaining Bachelorettes and b) I am insanely disappointed every time I watch pairs figure skating and none of them attempt a death-defying move (aka, the Pamchenko) like Doug and Kate do in one of the best movies of all time, The Cutting Edge? I also get upset when all of the music is all classical and boring and doesn't start with car-revving engines, a la the following:



Anyway, I guess I digress but as I said, I was more consumed with my imagined love affairs between the figure skating couples than I was with the "love" going on between any of these "couples" on The Bach. Again, it goes back to my obsession with The Cutting Edge, apparently one of the greatest love stories of our time.

I don't have too much to say on tonight's episode, because as we've learned in the past (13 Bach, 5 Bach'ette) seasons, at this point in the show it all begins to sound the same. The Bach/Bach'ette can't believe he or she is falling in love with three women/men at the same time. Blah, blah, go on three romantic dates that would never be monetarily possible unless your significant other was Warren Buffet or Oprah, and fall madly in love because you are being put in a position that is so far removed from real life you might as well be... like... skating with the love of your life in the Olympics.

Things I did notice:
1) Both Tenley and Vienna have horribly fake nails. The one girl who you actually would think should have fake nails - Gia from Staten Island, I mean "Manhattan" - actually has real nails.
2) Vienna wore the same "Sears" swimsuit that we pointed out in a previous post again in this episode.
3) Despite dodging the trashy fake nails bullet, Gia has a tummy tat and so does Vienna:



At the end of this episode, the final DubTee (that's short for "White Trash," for all of you high-brows out there) tally is as follows:

Gia:
+ 1 for a tummy tat
+ 1 for posing in Maxim
+ 1 for fake boobies =
__________________
Total of 3

Tenley:
+ 1 for the fake nails
+ 1 for a divorce after one year at age 25
- 1 for the fact that she is willing to cheesy-talk Jake into an oblivion, which he likes ("You can lead me [in the dance of life] forever, you can dip me forever" =
__________________
Total of 2

Vienna:
+ 1 for fake nails
+ 1 for tummy tat
+ 1 for Sears bathing suit
+ 1 for fake boobies
+ 1 for allegedly posing topless =
__________________
Total of 5

This surely means Vienna is the worst match for Jake and, in keeping with The Bachelor tradition of men thinking with their penises and choosing the worst girl for them, surely means that Vienna will "win" the "prize" this season and end up with Jake.

Adios to Gia, and we'll see you next week for the (most boring episode of the season, but the one for which I will hopefully be reunited with my fellow DC Bachelor Fans) "The Women Tell All!"

Daddy issues anyone?

Just so that our fine readers all over the country (i.e. where our moms live) can somewhat appreciate what all of the DC Bachelor Fans have been through this week, I submit exhibit A: My Car.

And like my pal, LAT Bachelor Fan, this weather has not only made me stir crazy, it has given me an inordinate amount of time to plan my post (aside from the time I have spent watching ridiculous YouTube videos and reading a back log of "forwards" I have received over the past 3 years that have previously been sent to the Archive folder. (Thank goodness for gmail and my 7421 MB of memory. I will never delete ANYTHING.)

So before getting into my thoughts on the Bachelor, I'd like to give a shout out to a certain PA Bachelor Fan and this clip she shared with me. I'm sure you're one of the 158 million people who have already seen it, but if not, you're in for a treat: British kids are hilarious.

Well enough of the sidetracking, time to get down to business. I'm no psychologist, but did anyone else find it interesting that the world's most boring Bachelor (i.e. Jake) has chosen 3 girls from "broken homes"? I mean, either jake is trying to fix everyone or these girls are trying to find the security in Jake that they didn't get from their own fathers. Exhibit 1: Gia. Stepfather who barely said one word. But who would when your wife can be so charming with the spoken word? Yikes. I haven't heard New York accents like that since I watched Jersey Shore (good call LAT). Example 2: Ali. Did anyone see a father present? (P.S. How bad did everyone feel for Ali's obviously not as cute, smart or successful sister? My heart always goes out to the sibling who got the bad end of the gene pool. I know how that can be. Has anyone met my poor brother?) Example 3: Vienna. Her issues are different. As opposed to the other two who simply don't have fathers present, Vienna is merely obsessed with her father. Obsessed would be the correct word. When I saw those tears tumbling down his 'stache, I nearly lost it. Really!? Your daughter has been gone for, what, 3 weeks? Perhaps if you had sent her to college or let her out of the trailer you've been living in, it wouldn't be so emotional to see her after a brief hiatus. So enough of my psychoanalysis, I mean, we all have our baggage, but we all know that crazy girl from the broken home doesn't get the man. Remember Moana? Or Naomi? Tragic but true. Statistics don't lie.

And finally, before I head to bed only to wake up to another 10 inches of snow, I will end with just a few thoughts. Jake has this ridiculous shit-eating grin whenever the girls complement him and he basically nods his head in agreement as they tell him how great he is. It makes me want to barf. And die laughing all at the same time. Pathetic. I haven't met Jake's parents but something tells me the Pavleka's would not get along with Gia's mom or Vienna's dad. However, I could picture them sitting down to grace before supper with Tenley's family. Did anyone notice how young Tenley's mom looked? I mean, I know she was kind of nerdy but still, great genes. Barely a wrinkle on that woman's face. I'm jealous. Listening to Ali whine made me want to grab her chin in my hands and shake it, just like my momma used to do to me when I was misbehaving. Grow up. I'm embarrassed for her. If this whole thing was just a ploy to get herself to be the next Bachelorette, I will promise here and now that I will boycott the next season. Don't tempt me. If one more season can be tied back to Brad Wommack, I'm done.

Hometown Dates + Forced Drama = Episode 6

So, as it apparently can happen from time to time, we did not post last week after Episode 5. We really do feel bad when we don't post; but, like Ali and Ed, it sometimes happens that we must choose between The Bachelor and Our Jobs, and like most normal human beings... we choose Our Jobs. Sorry, was that a spoiler? We hope that if you read this blog, you've actually watched the episode (and, as a matter of fact, all 14 seasons of The Bachelor). Anyway, on to my musings about this week's episode.

As it so happens, we here at Final Rose, as D.C. fans of The Bachelor, were all snowed is this Monday night. If you haven't seen the news lately, we have pretty much all been gouging our eyes out with boredom ever since Friday night when approximately 100 feet of snow fell on our fair city. Add in the 100 more feet of snow that are going to continue to fall over the next few days, and you have one stir-crazy Bachelor Fan on your hands here. To not watch The Bachelor with my friends in a group as I'm accustomed to do was a bit like water-boarding (too much?) But for reals, I am used to sharing the collective retard tingles in a group fashion as opposed to having to take them on all alone.

We started out in New York with Gia's hometown date. Gia took Jake on a romantic cruise of the New York City skyline. In case you haven't been to New York, read a book, or watched TV since 1931, the Empire State Building is, as Gia so eloquently pointed out, the one with "the lawng pointy thing at the tawp." Gia is a sweet girl, but as my mom stated in an email all the way from the Caribbean (this is how you know she means business): "Gia needs to keep her fingers out of her mouth! What an annoying, silly, supposedly coy habit!" For my mom to diss someone that harshly... Gia need ta ack rite. Plus the fact that Jake did not ask her mother or her step-father for permission to marry Gia... you might think she prolly out.

It might be because (to bring back the old favorite of "Separated at Birth"):


Gia looks like the joker, and..



her brother looks like Pauly D.

Moving, on, we went to Massachusetts for Ali's hometown date. And aside from something about a dead grandma, I honestly don't remember too much. Next...

Then it was off to Oregon where we met Tenley's family and everyone's favorite topics of conversation were 1) how much/often they made each other cry and 2) her ex-husband (I think I caught approximately 8 mentions of him?) and whether Tenley was ready to move on or not. Also, I nominate as the #1 retard tingles moment of the episode as when Tenley awkwardly did a no-shoes pointe ballet dance to Canon in D, which any girl knows is the song that one often opts to walk down the aisle to. Subtle much? In the past we've had readings of poetry and expressions through song, but honestly I can say that this might be the first solo dance performance I've ever seen in 14 seasons. Well played, Crazy Christian, well played.

Last, we venture to Florida where Vienna insists upon being her crazy-eyed self and, FINALLY, her dad attempts to fill the mandatory role of crazy hick father. In this case, he used a motorcycle as his redneck prop as opposed to polishing his shotgun. Thank God this mustached man eventually showed up, because I was worrying about ABC's ability to ensure that there was at least one crazy parent in the final 4. But to be honest, he wasn't even that crazy... I've seen better. It was a good try at least, and it's not the dad's fault he got too drunk too early and got weepy/warm and fuzzy as opposed to hostile and white trash. One thing he did do that I was shocked about was walk in on Jake and Vienna making out... and then promptly turn around and walk out when Vienna demanded that he "give us a few more minutes." That's one weak-ass redneck dad. I expected to see someone picked up by the scruff of their neck... but to no avail.

Which reminds me, when I failed to write last week, I forgot to bring up this additional Separated at Birth:


Vienna's on-purpose hair-do looked like what we all used to do in the pool as children (the "George Washington," if you will). Disclaimer: I do not know this child and it was merely what came up when I Googled "pool hair." So at least someone on the Internet know what I'm talkin bout.

Anyway, we all know what happens next. Ali cries a lot but ultimately pulls an Ed and leaves Jake in favor of her job, thereby causing the first ever "no rose ceremony required" Rose Ceremony. I therefore present yet another Separated at Birth:


Ali and a toddler pitching the type of tantrum that only a toddler can pitch.

Anyway, Ali walks out on Jake despite having an apparent serious breakdown about it (Ali, sister, how glad are you now that you've stepped away and you realize you were dating the biggest douchebag in the history of Bachelors, and that's a lot, considering Lorenzo and all?). And we are left with Gia, Tenley and Vienna - none of whom seem to care about the fact that there was a very real chance they were about to be eliminated, only to be saved by Ali's freakout. But who cares about that, we're going to St. Lucia! CHEERS!

Perhaps if we get the estimated 10-20 inches of snow that are expected in the next couple of days, I will STILL be house-bound by next Monday and I will be so stir-crazy that I will write an even longer manifesto than this. Only if you're lucky... and only if I'm not.