Hometown Dates + Forced Drama = Episode 6

So, as it apparently can happen from time to time, we did not post last week after Episode 5. We really do feel bad when we don't post; but, like Ali and Ed, it sometimes happens that we must choose between The Bachelor and Our Jobs, and like most normal human beings... we choose Our Jobs. Sorry, was that a spoiler? We hope that if you read this blog, you've actually watched the episode (and, as a matter of fact, all 14 seasons of The Bachelor). Anyway, on to my musings about this week's episode.

As it so happens, we here at Final Rose, as D.C. fans of The Bachelor, were all snowed is this Monday night. If you haven't seen the news lately, we have pretty much all been gouging our eyes out with boredom ever since Friday night when approximately 100 feet of snow fell on our fair city. Add in the 100 more feet of snow that are going to continue to fall over the next few days, and you have one stir-crazy Bachelor Fan on your hands here. To not watch The Bachelor with my friends in a group as I'm accustomed to do was a bit like water-boarding (too much?) But for reals, I am used to sharing the collective retard tingles in a group fashion as opposed to having to take them on all alone.

We started out in New York with Gia's hometown date. Gia took Jake on a romantic cruise of the New York City skyline. In case you haven't been to New York, read a book, or watched TV since 1931, the Empire State Building is, as Gia so eloquently pointed out, the one with "the lawng pointy thing at the tawp." Gia is a sweet girl, but as my mom stated in an email all the way from the Caribbean (this is how you know she means business): "Gia needs to keep her fingers out of her mouth! What an annoying, silly, supposedly coy habit!" For my mom to diss someone that harshly... Gia need ta ack rite. Plus the fact that Jake did not ask her mother or her step-father for permission to marry Gia... you might think she prolly out.

It might be because (to bring back the old favorite of "Separated at Birth"):


Gia looks like the joker, and..



her brother looks like Pauly D.

Moving, on, we went to Massachusetts for Ali's hometown date. And aside from something about a dead grandma, I honestly don't remember too much. Next...

Then it was off to Oregon where we met Tenley's family and everyone's favorite topics of conversation were 1) how much/often they made each other cry and 2) her ex-husband (I think I caught approximately 8 mentions of him?) and whether Tenley was ready to move on or not. Also, I nominate as the #1 retard tingles moment of the episode as when Tenley awkwardly did a no-shoes pointe ballet dance to Canon in D, which any girl knows is the song that one often opts to walk down the aisle to. Subtle much? In the past we've had readings of poetry and expressions through song, but honestly I can say that this might be the first solo dance performance I've ever seen in 14 seasons. Well played, Crazy Christian, well played.

Last, we venture to Florida where Vienna insists upon being her crazy-eyed self and, FINALLY, her dad attempts to fill the mandatory role of crazy hick father. In this case, he used a motorcycle as his redneck prop as opposed to polishing his shotgun. Thank God this mustached man eventually showed up, because I was worrying about ABC's ability to ensure that there was at least one crazy parent in the final 4. But to be honest, he wasn't even that crazy... I've seen better. It was a good try at least, and it's not the dad's fault he got too drunk too early and got weepy/warm and fuzzy as opposed to hostile and white trash. One thing he did do that I was shocked about was walk in on Jake and Vienna making out... and then promptly turn around and walk out when Vienna demanded that he "give us a few more minutes." That's one weak-ass redneck dad. I expected to see someone picked up by the scruff of their neck... but to no avail.

Which reminds me, when I failed to write last week, I forgot to bring up this additional Separated at Birth:


Vienna's on-purpose hair-do looked like what we all used to do in the pool as children (the "George Washington," if you will). Disclaimer: I do not know this child and it was merely what came up when I Googled "pool hair." So at least someone on the Internet know what I'm talkin bout.

Anyway, we all know what happens next. Ali cries a lot but ultimately pulls an Ed and leaves Jake in favor of her job, thereby causing the first ever "no rose ceremony required" Rose Ceremony. I therefore present yet another Separated at Birth:


Ali and a toddler pitching the type of tantrum that only a toddler can pitch.

Anyway, Ali walks out on Jake despite having an apparent serious breakdown about it (Ali, sister, how glad are you now that you've stepped away and you realize you were dating the biggest douchebag in the history of Bachelors, and that's a lot, considering Lorenzo and all?). And we are left with Gia, Tenley and Vienna - none of whom seem to care about the fact that there was a very real chance they were about to be eliminated, only to be saved by Ali's freakout. But who cares about that, we're going to St. Lucia! CHEERS!

Perhaps if we get the estimated 10-20 inches of snow that are expected in the next couple of days, I will STILL be house-bound by next Monday and I will be so stir-crazy that I will write an even longer manifesto than this. Only if you're lucky... and only if I'm not.