Where Do We Draw the Line?

How many is too many? Sometimes it's hard to tell, and it definitely depends on what we're having-- but with all things in life: chocolate, men, exercise-- there comes a time when you have to say enough is enough. Pearls of conventional wisdom are designed to let us know when to say stop: when the fat lady sings or when the cows come home. I'd like to add another one to this list, granted it's not as catchy or concise, but here it is: When you've been jilted on national TV, your parents have all but disowned you, and your 15 minutes are up. Take note, Melissa, this means you.

We thought it was a little suspicious that you appeared on the Bachelor after already appearing on the CMT Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders show. We thought, for a second, that you could be on the show to launch a singing, acting, socialite career like so many former contestants-- By the way, how's that working out for you, Monkey Llamas?!? But, you won us over because you really seemed to like Jason and you were "in it for the right reasons." It now seems like you may have fooled us, because I keep hearing reports that you are going to be on this season of Dancing with the Stars. Just to clarify your "number": Cowboys was one, the Bachelor was two, and Dancing makes three. Screw the "to each his own" stuff, three is just too many. You've crossed the invisible line into reality show sluttiness.

If I were you, I wouldn't count on too many sympathy votes. I just can't feel sorry for someone who is clearly exploiting our deeply rooted belief that it is possible to find true love on television only to gain personal fame. In the words of an eloquent former statesman: "Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me two times --- well, you aint going to fool me again."

Deathmatch: Baldwin v. Grant

My Internet stalking of Bachelor gossip has revealed these little status update gems posted by two former Bachelors whom I happen to be friends with on Facebook.

Our favorite (well, only) fellow DC resident and former Bachelor, Dr. Andy Baldwin has said that Jason has proven to be the "opposite of a gentleman," and Andy says that he is "disgusted" by Jason's actions. Dr. Baldwin had this to tell the world on Facebook:

Selling your soul is a pretty harsh accusation, sir! But if you watched his season, you know this man is nothing if he isn't passionate, right girls? He is a man of honor and integrity: An Officer AND a Gentleman. And I say this even after he rejected my Facebook invitation to go out sometime. Meanwhile, the former Monkey-lover and Bachelor from across the pond, Matt Grant, takes the opposite stance and says:

Looks like we have former Bachelor warring factions on our hands! I would love to see these two spar in fisticuffs. It might actually be a good fight, but we would definitely need to lay the groundrules from the beginning. I feel like Sir Matt would try and start the fight by taking off his glove and slapping Dr. Baldwin in the face, while Top Gun Andy would be more inclined to whip out a switchblade from his back pocket, Jets style. I put 10 to one odds on Baldwin. He could knock someone out in his sleep, especially if that someone is a cuddly teddybear of a Brit.

The Ultimate Best Friend

FirestoneFever, you are definitely right that I am emotionally hungover. What a perfect way to describe this fatigued, disgusted, appaled way that I am feeling and have felt for the last few days. And it doesn't help that for some reason, even though I'm incredibly weary of this Jason/Molly/Melissa thing, I endlessly Google and try to find every last morsel of information I can on the Internet regarding the "most dramatic Bachelor finale ever." I'm sick! Make it stop!!

The only light at the end of this godforsaken Jason tunnel is the fact that ABC finally did us a solid and asked Jillian to be the next Bachelorette. The Cuddly Canuk shall get her day in the sun! The Horny Mounty shall rise again! I can barely WAIT to see all the cute shit she wears and then copy her!! I look forward to May 18th with baited breath. Let's just hope this season of the Bachelorette goes more the way of a Trista and Ryan plotline as opposed to mirroring a Deanna "I'M the Prize, It's All About Me, Can't Give Up the Spotlight, Lead Your Heart" Pappas scenario.

Quitters

The Internet can be a hotbed of rumors and lies. But one tale in particular has been bothering me… Chris Harrison, the arbitrator of Internet truth for all things Bachelor, has even confirmed it: "I know many of you have sworn to me that this is it — you will never watch again." I mean, WHAT? ARE YOU CRAZY?

Come on down off that high horse, because you are behaving exactly like Jason. EXACTLY. You have found the perfect show: it mixes romance, drama, comedy (thank you Naomi's Family). It is precisely what you've been looking for and the only show you can imagine curling up with on Monday nights. BUT, as soon as the going gets tough, you run. Instead of staying to fight for what you want and talking to the show about your problems, you break up with the best thing that's ever happened to you. You've probably already started watching full episodes online of whatever show you think is going to fill the void. I, for one, think you're making a huge mistake.

So, yes, Jason is a jerk. He shouldn't have proposed if he didn't mean it. Melissa deserves better, we're all disappointed. But let's not go crazy and cut off our noses to spite our faces. I can only hope you don't really mean it. You're probably just emotionally hungover and are overreacting. Like how I vow to never drink again every Sunday. I hope so, for your sake. Because giving up on the Bachelor is like giving up on love. You might as well adopt seven cats, take up knitting and quit shaving your legs.

So, where do we go from here?

I loved it how Chris sat on the couch with Molly and Jason and tossed out phrases like, "Where do we go from here? We're in uncharted territory." I even think he might have said, "I don't have a map for something like this." Well, Chris Harrison, we go nowhere. Molly moves to Seattle, Ty gets a new mommy, Jason continues to bounce around like Tom Cruise on Oprah, and we all go back to our normal lives that existed long before and will exist long after THE MOST DRAMATIC SEASON OF THE BACHELOR EVER. You get to go home after the final rose, have a smooth glass of Cabernet and laugh all the way to May 18th with your wife about how ridiculous it is that you have somehow landed the world's most amazing job that pays you to spark controversy by asking ridiculous questions to reality TV stars. Chris, I salute you. Watching American Idol last night, I realized for myself what I'm sure the rest of the nation already knows. Ryan Seacrest is the poor man's Chris Harrison.