Bachelor Firsts....

We all know that that Chris Harrison likes to narrate in superlatives, and there has been a lot of talk on this season about Bachelor Firsts. It was the "first Bachelor walk of shame," and the "first time a bachelor brought his child on set," the "first time a bachelorette picked her nose on national tv." Ok, I might have made that last one up. But, you get the point. But, are they really firsts, or is Chris Harrison pulling our leg? After all, every week can't be "the most dramatic rose ceremony ever."

Dust off those history books bachelor fans, because who remembers Amanda? I'm pretty sure that Season 1 had the first pre-fantasy suite slumber party. Didn't Amanda spend the night at the Bachelor Pad with Alex on their first one-on-one date? Maybe that's why Chris Harrison keeps clarifying that it was the first walk-o-shame "in his clothes." No matter, there is one "first" that I think deserves congratulations -- this is the first Bachelor season where the Bachelor appears somewhat self-aware.

Jason, aside from the boob staring and constant making out, actually seems to be proceeding with a level head. First, he called Natalie out for being a shallow gold digger, then cut Boobs McSideburn in a remarkable display of self restraint. Finally, he had the guts to go and cut all the crazies in a cleansing unlike any other in Bachelor History. (Yes, another B.F.). It could be that having been on the other side of things, he sees through some of the façade. That didn't seem to work for Deanna "Its All About Me" Papas last season, nor any previous Bachelors who were on the other side of the ceremonies. It could be that having children changes your priorities? For whatever reason, I say Bravo! Jason, for being the first bachelor to have a little perspective.

Stargazing Amazing...Catty Comments Part Duex

I said it once and I'll say it again. Naomi is not the sharpest tool in the shed. And I personally believe that there is direct correlation between her career as a flight attendant and her IQ (or lack there of). Am I saying I think all flight attendants are dumb? No. Just those between 18-26. She talks a little like a stroke victim, slurring the words out of her mouth. Jason apparently finds this sexy as he awarded her the rose on the group date. Or was that because she cried? Or was wearing a maid outfit in the acting scene? One thing is for sure, even if Jason picks Stephanie as his final Bachelorette, you better believe he'll be picturing Naomi in that sexy maid's get-up every time they do it.

Lauren taught us an important lesson this episode. Demanding a rose on the group date and then pouting about not getting one is a key to getting eliminated. Go figure. Maybe if she was wearing a maid costume she would have some better luck!

Catty Comments, Vol. 1

Remember how your mom used to tell you: "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all?" Obviously your mom has never watched an episode of The Bachelor. Attempting to keep one's malicious thoughts to one's self proved humanly impossible during last night's episode. Heck, it even had our resident nice friend - HereForTheRightReasons - in on the judgy comment action. And with that, I begin what I hope will become a regular installment here at Final Rose. Introducing Catty Comments, your weekly round-up of the meanest/funniest things that slip out of our mouths while viewing The Bachelor.

Perhaps our readers (all three of you) are getting tired of posts about Nikki's sideburns. Well, too effing bad.


Is it just us, or are those mothers getting worse by the second? My fellow Bachelor Fans and I have previously wondered how much or how little help the girls get from on-set makeup or hair stylists. I think Nikki's sideburns have answered our question... um, NONE. This point was also further evidenced by Toothy McStalker's choice of frock last night which we decided she crocheted herself. Janis Joplin rolled over in her grave at that unforgivable use of afghan.

I know I am really pushing the limits of sideburn over-exposure, and I promise that this is the last one (except that I of course reserve the right to make as many sideburn-related quips as I want following the "Women Tell All" episode).


We thought that this side(burn)-by-side(burn) comparison was necessary. You don't have to be a genius to see that Nikki's are longer... and, ew, thicker... than Jason's. I wish I could have been in the rejection limo during Nikki's "I don't know how much smarter I could get; I don't know how much prettier I could get" rant with a razor, or some Nair, or a beard trimmer, or Christ maybe all of the above. I would have shown that hairy monkey EXACTLY how much prettier she could get - approximately 2 1/2 inches more pretty. Oh and do they make some sort of stick-in-the-ass removal device? I would have needed one of those on hand as well. Then I would have helped Nikki set up her eHarmony profile, complete with some sort of "my eggs are rotting" feel to it, and sent her on her merry way. She would have been engaged within the year.

Hidden Talent, my ass....

Can someone please tell these women that when they're asked to 'open up', it does not mean its time to pull out the crazy! In Episode II, when Jason asked to see everyone's hidden talents at the pool, I'll be honest, it was a little awkward. No one enjoys playing icebreaker games like it’s the first day of summer camp (not like you hadn't already picked out the people who were most likely to sneak out and steal pop sickles). But, it was the responses that made it SUPER awkward. Synchronized swimming, really? Luckily, Jason seems to have eliminated the girls who are aspiring singers/dancers/actresses, because that type of shameless self-promotion needed to be saved for Episode III when Megan earnestly declared herself God's Gift to Volunteerism. In another completely inappropriate moment of "sharing", brought on by Jason's request to "open up to me in a way I haven't seen before", Melissa informed us all that she had a breast reduction. As LAT pointed out, this was clearly NOT news that Boob Starer would take well. But, I have to give her credit, Molly's "secret talent" was a stroke of genius.

Molly disregarded "The Bachelor" rules, which I'm pretty sure are clear that if you make kissy faces on a group date, you will be ostracized by the other women and strung along by the bachelor to ultimately end up alone. But, she followed the rules of real life dating which would definitely prohibit any sort of deep thoughts/ skeleton sharing on date 2. That's why, after not even having a date in Episode III, Molly got a rose. It was a sneaky move, and that's why Molly is the Make-Out Bandit.

Jason: Definitely NOT an Ass Man

This week on the Bachelor, we continued our "journey" together and got to know Jason and the Bachelorettes a bit better (and, dare I say, started to hate most of them just a bit more?). A lot of really embarrassing and awkward stuff happened this week... I spent most of the episode hiding behind a pillow overcome with the Retard Tingles. As if it wasn't awkward enough to watch Nikki go to kiss Jason on his cheek, him manhandle her face, force her to make out with him, and see Nikki's tongue come out of her mouth before they even start to kiss, BUT we had to watch Jason stare at not one but TWO different sets of Bachelorette Breasts!! Seriously, this guy is one of the most obvious and upfront boob-starers I have ever witnessed. See for yourself:

First came the Nikki boob stare. In Jason's defense, those things were out and proud (oh, and fake). But it still isn't an excuse for him to come within inches of motorboatin' those suckers, is it?!

Compose yourself, man! Now, as obvious as these boob-stares were, at least Nikki just took it in stride and kept her thoughts to herself. As opposed to Erica, who called him out on it.

Erica honey, did you not read paragraph 17, clause 39 of your extensive contract with ABC? "Any contestant commenting on Bachelor boob-stareage, whether real or imagined, shall face immediate elimination." See ya!! Thank God too, I couldn't stand one more week of that Bulldog Face.

Until next week (or possibly sooner if I think of any more nicknames)...

When Tragedy Strikes a Bachelorette...

Don't get me wrong. We all got a little teary eyed listening to Stephanie recount the tragic plane crash that took the life of her late husband. And sure, we appreciate how awful it must be to tell your small daughter that "daddy took a plane ride to heaven". But c'mon. What would Stephanie's late husband think if he saw the amount of botox she has been applying to her skin? And the gold lame shirt she was sporting in the season opener? Talk about tragic. I, for one, like Stephanie. She deserves happiness - and we all know she has been through enough. But does she have enough balls to claw her way into Jason's heart? She could barely muster up the courage to interrupt his time with another girl at the pool party. She seems to be the mama hen for the house - which could turn out as a blessing or a curse for our Southern sweetheart. But when Jason finally realizes that he could bounce a quarter off her cheek, he might just send her on a plane ride back to Alabama. Now that would be a real tragedy. And that is why Stephanie is our Tragic Widow.

Another Note About Nikki

I agree DC Bachelor Fan - all those qualities notwithstanding, we'd still hate her given her sideburns rival those of Elvis (see photographic proof below). She has got to go.

A Note About Nikki

More often than not, I don't agree with some or all of a bachelor's choices. Already this season I'm a bit baffled by Jason's love for all things Nikki. The first impression rose, I mean, REALLY? That girl is more fake than a Louis Vuitton bag from M Street. But, if there is one thing we're learned from Drop Dead Gorgeous, its that "Scholarship Pageantry" is the most competitive sport around. I think Nikki is in it to win, and she's trying to play the system. I have to say that her strategy seems a bit flawed. She got Jason on the hook when she claimed that she was ready to be a mother because she has nieces and nephews. I'm not really sure where these girls learned that being a teacher/ having nieces/nephews or assorted pets prepared you to be a mother. I could sort of like kids too if they went home at the end of the day. She lost a little bit of credit when she tried to warn Jason that some people aren't in it for the right reasons, but refusing to give up any more information. Its not going to work. You never really make yourself look better by talking badly about other people. Plus, she's definitely not building any kind of bond with Jason if all she's doing is talking about the other ladies. She's also particularly easy to hate- mostly because she's willing to sell out the other girls for a chance at another crown, I mean rose. Its an interesting strategy, but it has failed so many times. That's why Nikki is the Backstabbing Beauty Queen. Although, given that Jason thought he was madly love with Deanna, he might have a soft spot for bitches. We will have to wait and see.....

The Remaining Bachelorettes Shall Henceforth Be Known As...

While I appreciate the anonymous (male) Bachelor fan's enthusiasm, wit and true intuition when it comes to these crazy bitches who, as "azladiesarehot" so aptly pointed out, somehow KNOW they are meant to spend the rest of their lives with a complete stranger... said anonymous (male) Bachelor fan failed to implement what the DC Bachelor Fans have deemed a necessity: NICKNAMES. In our true spirit of bitchiness, bitterness, and all that is catty, we shall henceforth refer to the bachelorettes as the nicknames cataloged herein.

Shannon -- It would be pretty easy to simply call this lunatic "Stalker." I mean, she probably said the word "stalker" 50 times in her very first interaction with Jason in which she might as well have recalled the name of the gerbil that was the mascot of Mrs. Hunter's second grade class of which Jason was a member back when he lived in Knoxville (which is where he lived after Cleveland and prior to Seattle). Its name was Pinky, by the way. But one other thing that really bugs me about this madwoman is dem TEEF. Sure, you're a dental hygenist and all, but there's no need for your teeth to be so white as to be seen from space. She reminds me of that Friends episode where Ross gets his teeth bleached and then brings a chick back to his apartment, turns on the blacklight and lights up the room with his teeth.

Oh and hey, by the way, hilarious joke coming out of the limo with Austin Powers teeth on. Did you NOT learn your lesson when Travis rejected Kristen after the orange peel teeth? Gross teeth jokes do not a final rose winner make, Toothy McStalker!

Aaand that took so much out of me that I'm tapping out for now. Ladies, please to follow up with your own incarnations of nicknames...

Guys Love the Bachelor Too

In order to get our blog ball rolling as they say in cyberspace...or maybe nobody has ever said that before. Anyway, one of our favorite male bachelor friends passed along some comments and theories on this season's ladies. What do you think?

First the ones who left:

Sharon -- I knew she probably only made it to the second round cause he felt guilty she left her job.

Raquel - I knew the language barrier would be a problem. I guess it became an issue even quicker than I thought!

Now for the remaining girls:

Shannon -- This chick needs to watch it. That ice-throwing stunt is exactly the type of thing that a dude remembers and will hold against her. She seems nice and bubbly, but if she gives off the vibe that she has a bad temper in certain circumstances that will undo all of her smiling and compliments. I'm losing optimism that she'll make it to the finals, she seems a bit too star-struck and doesn't seem like she has a lot to say.

Lauren -- that chick is crazy. She acts a lot younger than her 27 years, and even though she's a teacher, she does not seem like she'd necessarily be a good mom. She blinks like DeAnna, though, and actually moves her head and eyebrows like DeAnna too (twitchy). I think her cuteness could have taken her far, but she shot herself in the foot by saying there needs to be more of a two-way street betwen her and Jason. It's gotta be a huge red flag when she's that demanding after only a couple days and being only one of 15 girls. He senses that she has a high opinion of herself and is very high maintenance.

Jillian -- Hey, I called her going to the Final Four, and he liked his date with her! She COULD win the whole thing... but if she doesn't, it's because she's too much like a "buddy" and just too independent... or whatever you want to call the other extreme from "clingy." Also, I never trust anyone from Canada, but maybe Jason doesn't feel that way. But seriously, I think she'll go far.

Melissa -- She's a former Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader and yet she hasn't had a date in 3 years? Boo hoo. But I will say this: she comes across as young, so she was smart to bring up wanting to teach and wanting kids. She's got to reassure him she'd be a mature mom. I think she did that for the time being, but in the end, I still have a feeling she may seem a bit young to him and not the "safest" step-mom.

Molly - So what was her secret, special talent? "I'm a good kisser." As we used to say in the '80s: "Gag me with a spoon." Oh, and there is a special section of Hell reserved for girls who already have roses who nevertheless interrupt one-on-one time between the Bachelor and another girl. If I was the Bachelor, I would hold that against her.

Nikki - She got the very first first-impression road, in part, I think, because of her maturity. But she's got to watch out she doesn't cross the line from being mature to being overly sedate. It's great that she's not one of the crazy chicks, but she can't always be Miss Cool either. Chick needs to smile more and stop bad-mouthing other girls, even in general. She also needs to show some sort of fun side. Otherwise, she risks being the "Jeremy" of the season... great on paper, but just not enough spark in the end.

Kari - Still not making a huge impression, but seems cute, sweet, normal, and not dumb.

Naomi - A wolf in sheep's clothing. I think she may be one of those rare girls who really isn't that nice but can actually kinda pull it off in front of a guy.

Natalie - vapid, shallow, materialistic.

Erica - drunk and evil. I can see why her last boyfriend cheated on her with a 52-year old.

Megan -- Not as mean as she came across in the first episode, but I still think she's out of her league.

Stephanie -- Still seems sweet, but still looks a bit weird.