At Long Last--My Thoughts on EVERYTHING

Preface: I cannot express how sad I am to have to watch the Bachelor each week...alone (sigh, quite a different alone time than that cherished by the Bach ladies), especially when I know all of you are gathered together in DC watching, gossiping, laughing, and pausing the DVR for LATBachelorFan's photo ops. I do sometimes feel like I am there. When I read about mammoth feet ruining a grand tv moment, I know what it would be like to be there. I think of those mammoth feet next to my own freakish hooves and almost shed a tear that I cannot play mamma foot/baby foot with dear friends every Monday. But, I digress. All of this embittered, emotional rambling, though appropriate in tone, is still off subject. I realize this will probably be my first and last post and that there is a lot to cover in regards to this historic and most intense season ever, so let us begin!

First, I find the most appropriate place to begin is my own sweet home: Alabama. We have brought you the likes of the Tragic Widow and bubbly Brooke, and I think Chris Harrison would be the first to admit that the Bama girls sure know how to bring on the crazy...the crazy essential to a successful bachelor season. WHY? Why does Alabama have to be the state leading the charge in reality tv comic genius and ultimate awkwardness? Where are you Mississippi? Well, whatever the reason, Stephanie put Brooke's stepdaddy's shrine to Bama to shame. Between bringing bags of jewelry, dressing Sophia in what have to be doll's clothes, promising to pleasure her man in a way that makes testicles accross the nation recede, and hitting high notes the likes of which make those testicles vow never again to drop, she takes the cake. Oh, and did I mention a face that looks like Scarlett O'Hara stuck her head out of a Boeing 747 midflight. Well, Stephanie, you are at least sweet as pecan pie, so for that I salute you. It could be worse. In fact, I'll bet the next ambassador from this great state will be some KKK backwoods vigiliante, so I guess I should, like Stephanie, thank God and count my blessings.

Second, I did come up with a couple of nicknames. The first I feel bad even mentioning because it belongs to our beloved Jill, but I still have to do it. After she decided to ride Jason's pony Ginuwine style in the romantic getaway date--by far my favorite part of any bachelor season--she couldn't escape getting a nickname: The Horny Mounty. Get it?? She's Canadian and mounted Jason?? I love explaining my own jokes. Well, speaking of ponies. Moll sure does love that side pony frizzed to all hell. I loved it too in 4th grade and tacky prom. Now in 2009, when I'm on a romantic date, not so much. I will say that coif paired with her toothy grin and always saccharine demeanor probably won her a Little Miss Grand Rapids back in the day. So, Molly I crown you Tacky Prom Queen. But, wait...no, no, no. It's not JUST the hair that sets her apart. What about her love of golf?? A love that got Jason to admit Ty was practically raised on the golf course--mahahaha, we love the driving range! Well, I love the country club, ahahaha!! That reminds me of a sorority mixer: Tennis Hoes and Golf Pros. Oh wait, and wasn't she the one to do the walk of shame. Seems to me our girl Molly has made herself the butt of quite a few sources of sorority irony and derision. Maybe, just maybe, she will leave the Playboy Mansion and settle down with Jason as a Trophy Wife. So what nickname could possibly capture a girl who is so fake that even sororities scorn her? To protect the innocent (and by innocent I mean all the names of real people I want to insert here), for now I'll stick with Tacky Prom Queen.

Alright, now onto what little else I can remember from weeks past.
Charlie O'Connel: most intense announcement of alcoholism EVER
Shayne's disgust at the other members of her cast: get over it Monkey
Naomi's mom: God I love crazy hippies
Naomi's dad: JC was a Jew. You're in good company.
Shannon: how many uncontrollable bodily excretions can one woman contribute to a season: saliva, snot, vomit, suntan lotion squirt...well done
Erika: you seem like the type of woman to save up her Camel Cash in order to buy something real nice
Megan: try being a little less soft, and really go for it when you kiss someone next time
Lauren: JC Penny called. They want their juniors section back.
Natalie: I really can't do any better than Rotisserie Barbie--that is CLASSIC...leave it to Joel McHale
Nikki: you want me to sing?? OOPS! I crapped my pants!
Raquel: little too ethnic for this season

And, now for the future. WHAT oh WHAT is going to happen next week--WHAT is going to make Jason's face contort in such indescribable pain. Is Dede going to attempt suicide?? Is Moll going to take a golf club to Mell?? Is Mell going to admit she has no parents and was raised by gnomes?? Is Ty going to tell daddy he's gay?? All I know is I want to pee myself every time they give that shot of Jason weeping as he approaches that balcony. Seriously, a man crying that hard is just hilarious. Holy crap! I think I just figured it out!! Remember that moment in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective--Finkle and Einhorn, Finkle and Einhorn, Einhorn and Finkle? Finkle IS Einhorn. Einhorn IS Finkle. And, then Ace realizes he made out with a man and weeps in the shower. So, here it is: Stephanie comes back and reveals that while one daddy may have gone to heaven the other daddy stayed behind. All that plastic surgery was intended to do more than preserve her youth....if you want the mechanics, you'll have to ask our resident M.D. But, doesn't it make perfect sense?? What else makes a man begin uncontrollably weeping on national television.? Seriously, I may be a psychic. With that--I'm spent and so I'm out.

In Response to "Yikes"

Word to your mother DC Bachelor Fan. You know me and my Retard Tingles - this scene once again found me hiding behind a pillow hyperventilating at the awkwardness. Who does Stephanie think she is, some kind of geisha? "Whenever I'm with a man I just want to make sure he's completely taken care of." Kissing every square inch of him? Unecessary. I'm kind of thinking it's possible Stephanie has never had an orgasm if she's wasting her time covering someone in kisses. As far as pleasing a man, as the old adage says, all you need to do is: "Show up naked. Bring beer." Save the all-over kisses for Sophia or, if you're Shannon, your dog.

Yikes

When the girls were at the radio show, Stephanie started talking about her sex life. Melissa's face says it all. Talk about squirming in my seat. I really didn't need to hear about Molly's lingerie-wearing or Stephanie kissing her man all over. Yikes. That's really all I can say.

When Tragedy Strikes a Bachelorette...

Don't get me wrong. We all got a little teary eyed listening to Stephanie recount the tragic plane crash that took the life of her late husband. And sure, we appreciate how awful it must be to tell your small daughter that "daddy took a plane ride to heaven". But c'mon. What would Stephanie's late husband think if he saw the amount of botox she has been applying to her skin? And the gold lame shirt she was sporting in the season opener? Talk about tragic. I, for one, like Stephanie. She deserves happiness - and we all know she has been through enough. But does she have enough balls to claw her way into Jason's heart? She could barely muster up the courage to interrupt his time with another girl at the pool party. She seems to be the mama hen for the house - which could turn out as a blessing or a curse for our Southern sweetheart. But when Jason finally realizes that he could bounce a quarter off her cheek, he might just send her on a plane ride back to Alabama. Now that would be a real tragedy. And that is why Stephanie is our Tragic Widow.