Bachelor Firsts....

We all know that that Chris Harrison likes to narrate in superlatives, and there has been a lot of talk on this season about Bachelor Firsts. It was the "first Bachelor walk of shame," and the "first time a bachelor brought his child on set," the "first time a bachelorette picked her nose on national tv." Ok, I might have made that last one up. But, you get the point. But, are they really firsts, or is Chris Harrison pulling our leg? After all, every week can't be "the most dramatic rose ceremony ever."

Dust off those history books bachelor fans, because who remembers Amanda? I'm pretty sure that Season 1 had the first pre-fantasy suite slumber party. Didn't Amanda spend the night at the Bachelor Pad with Alex on their first one-on-one date? Maybe that's why Chris Harrison keeps clarifying that it was the first walk-o-shame "in his clothes." No matter, there is one "first" that I think deserves congratulations -- this is the first Bachelor season where the Bachelor appears somewhat self-aware.

Jason, aside from the boob staring and constant making out, actually seems to be proceeding with a level head. First, he called Natalie out for being a shallow gold digger, then cut Boobs McSideburn in a remarkable display of self restraint. Finally, he had the guts to go and cut all the crazies in a cleansing unlike any other in Bachelor History. (Yes, another B.F.). It could be that having been on the other side of things, he sees through some of the façade. That didn't seem to work for Deanna "Its All About Me" Papas last season, nor any previous Bachelors who were on the other side of the ceremonies. It could be that having children changes your priorities? For whatever reason, I say Bravo! Jason, for being the first bachelor to have a little perspective.

Catty Comments, Vol. 1

Remember how your mom used to tell you: "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all?" Obviously your mom has never watched an episode of The Bachelor. Attempting to keep one's malicious thoughts to one's self proved humanly impossible during last night's episode. Heck, it even had our resident nice friend - HereForTheRightReasons - in on the judgy comment action. And with that, I begin what I hope will become a regular installment here at Final Rose. Introducing Catty Comments, your weekly round-up of the meanest/funniest things that slip out of our mouths while viewing The Bachelor.

Perhaps our readers (all three of you) are getting tired of posts about Nikki's sideburns. Well, too effing bad.


Is it just us, or are those mothers getting worse by the second? My fellow Bachelor Fans and I have previously wondered how much or how little help the girls get from on-set makeup or hair stylists. I think Nikki's sideburns have answered our question... um, NONE. This point was also further evidenced by Toothy McStalker's choice of frock last night which we decided she crocheted herself. Janis Joplin rolled over in her grave at that unforgivable use of afghan.

I know I am really pushing the limits of sideburn over-exposure, and I promise that this is the last one (except that I of course reserve the right to make as many sideburn-related quips as I want following the "Women Tell All" episode).


We thought that this side(burn)-by-side(burn) comparison was necessary. You don't have to be a genius to see that Nikki's are longer... and, ew, thicker... than Jason's. I wish I could have been in the rejection limo during Nikki's "I don't know how much smarter I could get; I don't know how much prettier I could get" rant with a razor, or some Nair, or a beard trimmer, or Christ maybe all of the above. I would have shown that hairy monkey EXACTLY how much prettier she could get - approximately 2 1/2 inches more pretty. Oh and do they make some sort of stick-in-the-ass removal device? I would have needed one of those on hand as well. Then I would have helped Nikki set up her eHarmony profile, complete with some sort of "my eggs are rotting" feel to it, and sent her on her merry way. She would have been engaged within the year.

Jason: Definitely NOT an Ass Man

This week on the Bachelor, we continued our "journey" together and got to know Jason and the Bachelorettes a bit better (and, dare I say, started to hate most of them just a bit more?). A lot of really embarrassing and awkward stuff happened this week... I spent most of the episode hiding behind a pillow overcome with the Retard Tingles. As if it wasn't awkward enough to watch Nikki go to kiss Jason on his cheek, him manhandle her face, force her to make out with him, and see Nikki's tongue come out of her mouth before they even start to kiss, BUT we had to watch Jason stare at not one but TWO different sets of Bachelorette Breasts!! Seriously, this guy is one of the most obvious and upfront boob-starers I have ever witnessed. See for yourself:

First came the Nikki boob stare. In Jason's defense, those things were out and proud (oh, and fake). But it still isn't an excuse for him to come within inches of motorboatin' those suckers, is it?!

Compose yourself, man! Now, as obvious as these boob-stares were, at least Nikki just took it in stride and kept her thoughts to herself. As opposed to Erica, who called him out on it.

Erica honey, did you not read paragraph 17, clause 39 of your extensive contract with ABC? "Any contestant commenting on Bachelor boob-stareage, whether real or imagined, shall face immediate elimination." See ya!! Thank God too, I couldn't stand one more week of that Bulldog Face.

Until next week (or possibly sooner if I think of any more nicknames)...

Another Note About Nikki

I agree DC Bachelor Fan - all those qualities notwithstanding, we'd still hate her given her sideburns rival those of Elvis (see photographic proof below). She has got to go.

A Note About Nikki

More often than not, I don't agree with some or all of a bachelor's choices. Already this season I'm a bit baffled by Jason's love for all things Nikki. The first impression rose, I mean, REALLY? That girl is more fake than a Louis Vuitton bag from M Street. But, if there is one thing we're learned from Drop Dead Gorgeous, its that "Scholarship Pageantry" is the most competitive sport around. I think Nikki is in it to win, and she's trying to play the system. I have to say that her strategy seems a bit flawed. She got Jason on the hook when she claimed that she was ready to be a mother because she has nieces and nephews. I'm not really sure where these girls learned that being a teacher/ having nieces/nephews or assorted pets prepared you to be a mother. I could sort of like kids too if they went home at the end of the day. She lost a little bit of credit when she tried to warn Jason that some people aren't in it for the right reasons, but refusing to give up any more information. Its not going to work. You never really make yourself look better by talking badly about other people. Plus, she's definitely not building any kind of bond with Jason if all she's doing is talking about the other ladies. She's also particularly easy to hate- mostly because she's willing to sell out the other girls for a chance at another crown, I mean rose. Its an interesting strategy, but it has failed so many times. That's why Nikki is the Backstabbing Beauty Queen. Although, given that Jason thought he was madly love with Deanna, he might have a soft spot for bitches. We will have to wait and see.....