I'm So Excited, And I Just Can't Hide It

Just a quick note to say that I am as excited as a kid in a candy shop about the premiere tonight! I love Jillian like a fat kid love cake! And insert some other cheesy metaphor here for how awesome this season is going to be! Yippeeeee!! I will be back tomorrow to report on my take on the premiere, and hopefully my faithful co-bloggers will input their 2 cents as well. Until then...

With An Eye Towards The Future...

...and what I'm sure will prove to be an awesome season of the Bachelorette with Jillian, I still am dwelling on the past just a tad. I just thought that you all should know that Jason and Molly now have their own blog, and they write about their (gag me) relationship. I think it all seems really forced and lame, but don't take my word for it, see for yourself. Obviously Jason is a total tool and Molly sucks because I can't imagine any normal, sane couple doing this. Imagine how the conversation would go.

Her: "Hey shmoopie, I realize we've only been dating for like a month or whatever, but I think it would be a really good idea for us to start blogging about our relationship."

Him: "Are you insane? That is literally the worst idea I have ever heard."

Her: "Come on, it will help our friends and complete strangers to be able to read about inane and incredibly private details of our personal lives. I think it sounds awesome!"

Him: "Right, awesomely wretched. Seriously, you couldn't keep the crazy under wraps for longer than a month? This is over."

Lucky Bitch

Ok Jill. Yes, you are my girl crush (second to Zooey Deschanel and Rachel McAdams, but only when she is a brunette), and yes, I think you are awesome. But you are one lucky bitch and I am jealous as all get-out. Seriously everyone, do what FirestoneFever says and check out Jillian's Bachelors. Holy Hotness Batman!! As FF points out, there are some obvious duds in the group like guys with weird names, 2 guys named Tanner (wtf?), a "Pizza Entrepeneur," and a shocking LACK of fellow Canuks for the Horny Mounty, but there are also some hot peices of grade-A tuchus. I have pasted a picture of my fave below... "Caleb." Hot name. Seriously my heart hurts this guy is so hot. I have a thing for dudes with beards, AND to top it all off, this guy is from the great state of Missouri! Eff judging a book by its cover - Caleb, will you marry me?!

The More the Merrier

Ladies, start your engines….. Only 12 days to go before the exciting season premiere of The Bachelorette, with everyone's favorite girl crush, Jillian. In what I'm sure is going to be "the most dramatic rose ceremony ever" (Because let's face it, the actual rose ceremony between Jason and Melissa was pretty anti-climatic. It's what came later that left me shocked and appalled), Jillian has to choose between THIRTY guys. This is an ABC first, but I think Jillian can handle it. Hopefully they'll start things off right with a cookout to just get rid of all the ketchup-eating mamma's boys.

Granted, some of the guys have goofy names like "Mathue" and "Kiptyn", but overall this is one smokin' hot group of guys. Check out the hotness at ABC, because while you can't judge a book by its cover, sometimes its fun to just look….

Where Do We Draw the Line?

How many is too many? Sometimes it's hard to tell, and it definitely depends on what we're having-- but with all things in life: chocolate, men, exercise-- there comes a time when you have to say enough is enough. Pearls of conventional wisdom are designed to let us know when to say stop: when the fat lady sings or when the cows come home. I'd like to add another one to this list, granted it's not as catchy or concise, but here it is: When you've been jilted on national TV, your parents have all but disowned you, and your 15 minutes are up. Take note, Melissa, this means you.

We thought it was a little suspicious that you appeared on the Bachelor after already appearing on the CMT Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders show. We thought, for a second, that you could be on the show to launch a singing, acting, socialite career like so many former contestants-- By the way, how's that working out for you, Monkey Llamas?!? But, you won us over because you really seemed to like Jason and you were "in it for the right reasons." It now seems like you may have fooled us, because I keep hearing reports that you are going to be on this season of Dancing with the Stars. Just to clarify your "number": Cowboys was one, the Bachelor was two, and Dancing makes three. Screw the "to each his own" stuff, three is just too many. You've crossed the invisible line into reality show sluttiness.

If I were you, I wouldn't count on too many sympathy votes. I just can't feel sorry for someone who is clearly exploiting our deeply rooted belief that it is possible to find true love on television only to gain personal fame. In the words of an eloquent former statesman: "Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me two times --- well, you aint going to fool me again."

Deathmatch: Baldwin v. Grant

My Internet stalking of Bachelor gossip has revealed these little status update gems posted by two former Bachelors whom I happen to be friends with on Facebook.

Our favorite (well, only) fellow DC resident and former Bachelor, Dr. Andy Baldwin has said that Jason has proven to be the "opposite of a gentleman," and Andy says that he is "disgusted" by Jason's actions. Dr. Baldwin had this to tell the world on Facebook:

Selling your soul is a pretty harsh accusation, sir! But if you watched his season, you know this man is nothing if he isn't passionate, right girls? He is a man of honor and integrity: An Officer AND a Gentleman. And I say this even after he rejected my Facebook invitation to go out sometime. Meanwhile, the former Monkey-lover and Bachelor from across the pond, Matt Grant, takes the opposite stance and says:

Looks like we have former Bachelor warring factions on our hands! I would love to see these two spar in fisticuffs. It might actually be a good fight, but we would definitely need to lay the groundrules from the beginning. I feel like Sir Matt would try and start the fight by taking off his glove and slapping Dr. Baldwin in the face, while Top Gun Andy would be more inclined to whip out a switchblade from his back pocket, Jets style. I put 10 to one odds on Baldwin. He could knock someone out in his sleep, especially if that someone is a cuddly teddybear of a Brit.

The Ultimate Best Friend

FirestoneFever, you are definitely right that I am emotionally hungover. What a perfect way to describe this fatigued, disgusted, appaled way that I am feeling and have felt for the last few days. And it doesn't help that for some reason, even though I'm incredibly weary of this Jason/Molly/Melissa thing, I endlessly Google and try to find every last morsel of information I can on the Internet regarding the "most dramatic Bachelor finale ever." I'm sick! Make it stop!!

The only light at the end of this godforsaken Jason tunnel is the fact that ABC finally did us a solid and asked Jillian to be the next Bachelorette. The Cuddly Canuk shall get her day in the sun! The Horny Mounty shall rise again! I can barely WAIT to see all the cute shit she wears and then copy her!! I look forward to May 18th with baited breath. Let's just hope this season of the Bachelorette goes more the way of a Trista and Ryan plotline as opposed to mirroring a Deanna "I'M the Prize, It's All About Me, Can't Give Up the Spotlight, Lead Your Heart" Pappas scenario.