Where Do We Draw the Line?

How many is too many? Sometimes it's hard to tell, and it definitely depends on what we're having-- but with all things in life: chocolate, men, exercise-- there comes a time when you have to say enough is enough. Pearls of conventional wisdom are designed to let us know when to say stop: when the fat lady sings or when the cows come home. I'd like to add another one to this list, granted it's not as catchy or concise, but here it is: When you've been jilted on national TV, your parents have all but disowned you, and your 15 minutes are up. Take note, Melissa, this means you.

We thought it was a little suspicious that you appeared on the Bachelor after already appearing on the CMT Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders show. We thought, for a second, that you could be on the show to launch a singing, acting, socialite career like so many former contestants-- By the way, how's that working out for you, Monkey Llamas?!? But, you won us over because you really seemed to like Jason and you were "in it for the right reasons." It now seems like you may have fooled us, because I keep hearing reports that you are going to be on this season of Dancing with the Stars. Just to clarify your "number": Cowboys was one, the Bachelor was two, and Dancing makes three. Screw the "to each his own" stuff, three is just too many. You've crossed the invisible line into reality show sluttiness.

If I were you, I wouldn't count on too many sympathy votes. I just can't feel sorry for someone who is clearly exploiting our deeply rooted belief that it is possible to find true love on television only to gain personal fame. In the words of an eloquent former statesman: "Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me two times --- well, you aint going to fool me again."

The Bachelor: All the News That's Fit to Print

You know a show has made a comeback when "The Gray Lady" of newspapers writes a story on the success of this season.

This photo is quite perplexing in that it looks as if "J" must have just said something hysterically funny. But regular viewers of the show will know that this is close to impossible as Jason, although kind-hearted as he may be, doesn't have a funny bone in his body. Poor guy.

This story only echoes rumors that I have been reading on various blogs everywhere - namely that the season finale is absolutely shocking. The show's creator and producer, Mike Fleiss, even refers to the finale's "freakishness." I won't attempt to speculate on what is going to happen, but all I know is that it's going to be good! Stay tuned.

P.S. - This story suggests that whomever gets rejected is going to be the Bachelorette for the season of the show this summer. While I hope that Jillian wins because I think she rocks, now I almost want her to lose because I think she can do better than Jason and I would love to see her take her pick from 25 hotties!!

Catty Comments - The Third Edition

As DC Bachelor Fan alluded to in her recent post, we here at Final Rose pretty much hate Naomi's stroke victim side-mouth-talking voice. Like, a lot. I mean, Molly's is slightly irritating and our big beef with her is that she is fake. But Naomi's voice is a whole other ballgame. We couldn't decide if her apparent speech impediment is due to an underbite, an over-sized tongue, a possible former tongue ring that she pretends she still has, or some strange combination of all of the above. However, one thing is clear, and that is that Naomi has one of the most annoying voices I have heard in a long time.

That is until some crazy bitch had eight embryos implanted in her and created a media frenzy the likes of which we haven't seen since possibly JonBenet Ramsey. You can't turn on the television or your computer without getting slapped in the face with a picture like this:

and/or seeing an interview with this head case. Her soft, scratchy, slightly lispy Angelina Jolie voice is decidedly THE most annoying thing I have heard in 2009. Naomi, you should thank this screwball for redirecting my loathing away from you and onto someone different.

Seeing as DC Bachelor Fan has made quite a dent in the Molly and Naomi-bashing, I should turn my attention to another deserving target: Melissa. Where do I start? Although this girl seems like she has good intentions, she is doubtless dumb as an effing rock and has little to no personality of her own. You know in that Julia Roberts movie Runaway Bride how they talk about the fact that she doesn't know how she likes her eggs cooked because she has just always eaten her eggs the way that her current flame eats them? That is Melissa all over.

Everything about Melissa is so generic. For one, she apparently has no relationship with her parents because they weren't willing to come on the show (understandble), but also her friends have met her parents all of once (incredibly strange). Seriously, her "friends" that she used as replacements for the missing family might as well have been androids. What girl doesn't talk about guys with her girlfriends? If Melissa isn't talking about men with these "friends," then they aren't friends at all. Melissa probably just asked some acquaintances of hers to be on the show so she could look good. "Ok, yes you guys have children, so I'll need you there to make it apparent that I am SUCH a kid person, and then you two, the cute young married couple, yes I need you there too to say in robot voices: 'Yes we love Melissa she is great we do not comprehend why she is single end transmission.'"

The sad thing about all this is that even though these signs would normally drive a sane person in real life to ABORT MISSION, they have made Melissa the front-runner on this show. No weird family to make her look bad by burrying doves or wearing strange hats. No real friends to dish on her white trash exes or actually care enough to ask the Bachelor tough questions. Nothing keeping her in place really at all. She has successfully portrayed herself as a family-less, friend-less nomad who is willing to eat her eggs any which way you tell her to and move to Seattle at the drop of a hat. Well played Melissa, well played.

It's a bird, it's a plane...

It's the bachelor on another one of his dates!

Seriously, has anyone else noticed that almost all of Jason's 1-on-1 dates involved taking off into flight? Let me refresh your memories. During Jason's first date with Melissa, they flew over LA at sunset (and that's not to even mention the blimp that flew overheard while they were at the beach); Jason and Natalie took not one but two flights during their 1-on-1, first in a private jet to Vegas and then with a helicopter ride over the city. If Melissa's next date hadn't been canceled, she was about to get a helicopter ride AND the space needle. Naomi cashed in with the sea plane ride around Seattle.

Aren't we in an economic downturn? What happened to good 'ol public transportation? Seriously, what sort of kick-backs are these airliners getting? Let's all admit it right here and now that Jason has not once planned these dates himself. Despite what the women are convinced (and I hate to burst their bubbles), Jason has nothing to do with where they go or what they do on their dates. He's just as shocked as they are like a kid in a candy store when he gets to go up in these flying contraptions. So who, may I ask, who sincerely believes that all romantic dates involve flying? Is there a focus group of ABC producers sitting around in a room tossing out ideas for dates? Plane! Jet! Helicopter! Blimp! Hot air balloon ride! (Maybe they're saving that for the finale.)

Since when does being thousands of feet above sea level equate to romance? I, for one, hate to fly. If I were any of these girls, I would say, no thank you, I'd prefer to walk. If I was forced due to my contract to participate in this torture, you better believe I'd have a barf bag right beside me. Just like our pal Twilley from last season's The Bachelorette. Doesn't anyone ever learn a lesson?

Maybe next season they'll spice things up a bit. Jet skis! Boats! Scuba diving! Oh wait, they've pulled that move too.

Yikes

When the girls were at the radio show, Stephanie started talking about her sex life. Melissa's face says it all. Talk about squirming in my seat. I really didn't need to hear about Molly's lingerie-wearing or Stephanie kissing her man all over. Yikes. That's really all I can say.