The Ultimate Best Friend

FirestoneFever, you are definitely right that I am emotionally hungover. What a perfect way to describe this fatigued, disgusted, appaled way that I am feeling and have felt for the last few days. And it doesn't help that for some reason, even though I'm incredibly weary of this Jason/Molly/Melissa thing, I endlessly Google and try to find every last morsel of information I can on the Internet regarding the "most dramatic Bachelor finale ever." I'm sick! Make it stop!!

The only light at the end of this godforsaken Jason tunnel is the fact that ABC finally did us a solid and asked Jillian to be the next Bachelorette. The Cuddly Canuk shall get her day in the sun! The Horny Mounty shall rise again! I can barely WAIT to see all the cute shit she wears and then copy her!! I look forward to May 18th with baited breath. Let's just hope this season of the Bachelorette goes more the way of a Trista and Ryan plotline as opposed to mirroring a Deanna "I'M the Prize, It's All About Me, Can't Give Up the Spotlight, Lead Your Heart" Pappas scenario.

At Long Last--My Thoughts on EVERYTHING

Preface: I cannot express how sad I am to have to watch the Bachelor each week...alone (sigh, quite a different alone time than that cherished by the Bach ladies), especially when I know all of you are gathered together in DC watching, gossiping, laughing, and pausing the DVR for LATBachelorFan's photo ops. I do sometimes feel like I am there. When I read about mammoth feet ruining a grand tv moment, I know what it would be like to be there. I think of those mammoth feet next to my own freakish hooves and almost shed a tear that I cannot play mamma foot/baby foot with dear friends every Monday. But, I digress. All of this embittered, emotional rambling, though appropriate in tone, is still off subject. I realize this will probably be my first and last post and that there is a lot to cover in regards to this historic and most intense season ever, so let us begin!

First, I find the most appropriate place to begin is my own sweet home: Alabama. We have brought you the likes of the Tragic Widow and bubbly Brooke, and I think Chris Harrison would be the first to admit that the Bama girls sure know how to bring on the crazy...the crazy essential to a successful bachelor season. WHY? Why does Alabama have to be the state leading the charge in reality tv comic genius and ultimate awkwardness? Where are you Mississippi? Well, whatever the reason, Stephanie put Brooke's stepdaddy's shrine to Bama to shame. Between bringing bags of jewelry, dressing Sophia in what have to be doll's clothes, promising to pleasure her man in a way that makes testicles accross the nation recede, and hitting high notes the likes of which make those testicles vow never again to drop, she takes the cake. Oh, and did I mention a face that looks like Scarlett O'Hara stuck her head out of a Boeing 747 midflight. Well, Stephanie, you are at least sweet as pecan pie, so for that I salute you. It could be worse. In fact, I'll bet the next ambassador from this great state will be some KKK backwoods vigiliante, so I guess I should, like Stephanie, thank God and count my blessings.

Second, I did come up with a couple of nicknames. The first I feel bad even mentioning because it belongs to our beloved Jill, but I still have to do it. After she decided to ride Jason's pony Ginuwine style in the romantic getaway date--by far my favorite part of any bachelor season--she couldn't escape getting a nickname: The Horny Mounty. Get it?? She's Canadian and mounted Jason?? I love explaining my own jokes. Well, speaking of ponies. Moll sure does love that side pony frizzed to all hell. I loved it too in 4th grade and tacky prom. Now in 2009, when I'm on a romantic date, not so much. I will say that coif paired with her toothy grin and always saccharine demeanor probably won her a Little Miss Grand Rapids back in the day. So, Molly I crown you Tacky Prom Queen. But, wait...no, no, no. It's not JUST the hair that sets her apart. What about her love of golf?? A love that got Jason to admit Ty was practically raised on the golf course--mahahaha, we love the driving range! Well, I love the country club, ahahaha!! That reminds me of a sorority mixer: Tennis Hoes and Golf Pros. Oh wait, and wasn't she the one to do the walk of shame. Seems to me our girl Molly has made herself the butt of quite a few sources of sorority irony and derision. Maybe, just maybe, she will leave the Playboy Mansion and settle down with Jason as a Trophy Wife. So what nickname could possibly capture a girl who is so fake that even sororities scorn her? To protect the innocent (and by innocent I mean all the names of real people I want to insert here), for now I'll stick with Tacky Prom Queen.

Alright, now onto what little else I can remember from weeks past.
Charlie O'Connel: most intense announcement of alcoholism EVER
Shayne's disgust at the other members of her cast: get over it Monkey
Naomi's mom: God I love crazy hippies
Naomi's dad: JC was a Jew. You're in good company.
Shannon: how many uncontrollable bodily excretions can one woman contribute to a season: saliva, snot, vomit, suntan lotion squirt...well done
Erika: you seem like the type of woman to save up her Camel Cash in order to buy something real nice
Megan: try being a little less soft, and really go for it when you kiss someone next time
Lauren: JC Penny called. They want their juniors section back.
Natalie: I really can't do any better than Rotisserie Barbie--that is CLASSIC...leave it to Joel McHale
Nikki: you want me to sing?? OOPS! I crapped my pants!
Raquel: little too ethnic for this season

And, now for the future. WHAT oh WHAT is going to happen next week--WHAT is going to make Jason's face contort in such indescribable pain. Is Dede going to attempt suicide?? Is Moll going to take a golf club to Mell?? Is Mell going to admit she has no parents and was raised by gnomes?? Is Ty going to tell daddy he's gay?? All I know is I want to pee myself every time they give that shot of Jason weeping as he approaches that balcony. Seriously, a man crying that hard is just hilarious. Holy crap! I think I just figured it out!! Remember that moment in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective--Finkle and Einhorn, Finkle and Einhorn, Einhorn and Finkle? Finkle IS Einhorn. Einhorn IS Finkle. And, then Ace realizes he made out with a man and weeps in the shower. So, here it is: Stephanie comes back and reveals that while one daddy may have gone to heaven the other daddy stayed behind. All that plastic surgery was intended to do more than preserve her youth....if you want the mechanics, you'll have to ask our resident M.D. But, doesn't it make perfect sense?? What else makes a man begin uncontrollably weeping on national television.? Seriously, I may be a psychic. With that--I'm spent and so I'm out.

The one who really captured America's heart

Alright fellow Bachelor lovers, I've been in denial long enough. I have been a strong supporter of you clever bloggers who post such insightful musings about the progression of Jason's quest to find the love of his life (among a group of complete strangers). And I've encouraged DVR photos at pivotal moments of the show - including the most awkward facial expressions EVER on the day of the dove's demise. However, I have yet to be motivated enough to comment on the crazy love saga we find so endearing.

Well ladies, I have finally found my inspiration. Not only has our favorite, genuinely down-to-earth girl been rejected, but Jason has the gall in his latest People blogpost to characterize her competitor's invitation to "sleep over" as something other than the obvious. Are we really supposed to believe that the true reason he finds this attractive is that she "goes after what she wants" and "shows that she's there for me by opening herself up"? I'm sorry to break it to Jason, but the way one demonstrates these qualities - and by "qualities", I don't mean those south of her neck- is by doing something like sharing a truly personal story that you feel shaped your life experiences (i.e. Jillian's heartfelt and uplifting story about her family's struggle with depression) - it's not offering your bedroom for the evening.

In my opinion, Jason lost out on one of the greatest candidates in Bachelor history. Although tragic, we all know this really worked out for the best. To top off everything we already know and love about Jillian, she had the following to say about becoming the next Bachelorette: "I don’t want to be famous. I don’t want to be an actress. Part of me wants to stop while I am ahead... But the other part of me really wants to find somebody and maybe my prince is just around the corner." Here's to an exciting final episode and to Jillian finding her REAL prince!

Strategy

Strategy. As all history buffs and bachelor addicts know, winning is all about strategy. And, as much as Chris Harrison likes to protest that this is about real people, making real life decisions, The Bachelor is still fundamentally a game. But is it a game worth winning? Maybe being the first or second runner up is the best place to be. Wouldn't you rather get to choose from 25 attractive, successful, and spot-light loving guys than have to settle for some guy ABC selected as "the ideal"??? I agree 100% with LATBachelorFan-- Jillian should be the next Bachelorette! she endeared herself to millions of viewers with her hotdog theory, fashion sense (I want those pink gloves she rocked on her hometown date), and her sense of humor! If you look closely at that picture from Monday's post, both Jason and Molly are looking at Jillian, clearly acknowledging that she is the mastermind behind whatever made the gang crack up. Maybe it's wishful thinking - that I can indulge my awkward girl crush on Jillian just a little bit longer, but I'm holding on to hope!

And Then There Were Two

Spoiler alert, blah blah, if you haven't watched the show yet don't read on. And also, if you haven't watched the show yet, then you aren't a real fan anyway and why are you here? (Hi, Mom!!) Woe is me. And the rest of the crew at Final Rose this sad day. Our obvious favorite (ever notice how we never bashed her?) Jillian got kicked off last night. And, the suspenseful lead-up to her elimination was totally RUINED for us when one Fred Flinstone-footed fellow fan stomped her ginormous foot on the remote on the ground and skipped us to live action (we had been watching on a two-minute delay on DVR). You would have thought we were watching a slasher film with the level of screaming and eye-covering that went on.


But, as I mentioned yesterday, perhaps this is a blessing in disguise for our favorite gal from America Junior, I mean Canada. Maybe this means that Jillian would get to be the next Bachelorette, and oh, what a joyus day that would be! I mean, if ABC could scrounge up 25 pretty decent looking guys... ok, and two hotties (shout out to Jeremy and Graham) for frumpy bitch-on-wheels Deanna, imagine the level of hotness that Jillian's bachelors might achieve. Bring it on, ABC! Jillian can totally do better than Jason. At the very least she should be able to snag a guy that can actually match a shirt with a tie. More on that later.

Jillian has the best clothes, she is funny, she is not pathetic or crazy, she handled her rejection with the utmost class and grace, and to top it all off, she is a pretty crier. Seriously you guys, that is a near-impossible feat and I think based upon that alone she should be the next Bachelorette.

The Bachelor: All the News That's Fit to Print

You know a show has made a comeback when "The Gray Lady" of newspapers writes a story on the success of this season.

This photo is quite perplexing in that it looks as if "J" must have just said something hysterically funny. But regular viewers of the show will know that this is close to impossible as Jason, although kind-hearted as he may be, doesn't have a funny bone in his body. Poor guy.

This story only echoes rumors that I have been reading on various blogs everywhere - namely that the season finale is absolutely shocking. The show's creator and producer, Mike Fleiss, even refers to the finale's "freakishness." I won't attempt to speculate on what is going to happen, but all I know is that it's going to be good! Stay tuned.

P.S. - This story suggests that whomever gets rejected is going to be the Bachelorette for the season of the show this summer. While I hope that Jillian wins because I think she rocks, now I almost want her to lose because I think she can do better than Jason and I would love to see her take her pick from 25 hotties!!