Side Note

So, I came to the much-neglected blog earlier today to change our "Current Bachelor" pic to one of Brad, and perhaps post about the newly announced "ladies" (more on that at a later date), but I legit looked at the pic we have up of Jake and though, "hunh, someone has already put up a pic of Brad."... It may be time for another edition of "Separated At Birth"....

Is it just me, or does

Jake Pavelka

look EXACTLY like...

Brad Womack?

Just sayin'.

Excuse Me Dear, Can I Borrow Your Concealer?

Yes, I know there have been rumors circulating the web about this for weeks, but ABC Finally posted the official list of Bachelor's for Ali's season of the Bachelorette-- which, thankfully doesn't seem to have an atrocious name at this point. Although I guess that does mean we miss out on the sweet performance of whatever theme song would have gone with it. Oh well.

So, gleefully, I went to ABC.com to pick my favorite guy and check out all the hotness. At the first picture, I thought, "eh, that guy looks a little douchey, what's with all the make-up?" but as I kept going, I realized it wasn't just him-- THEY ALL looked like that. ABC probably spent as much on air-brushing and teeth whitening for these pictures as they did to fix Matt Grant's gnarly british grin. One guy --Phil-- was so pale that I'm pretty sure he's trying to catch the attention of producers and get a part in the last instalment of the twilight saga. Ali- if he sparkles in the sunshine, you should really be afraid. Also, at least two guys wax their eyebrows - I'm looking at you Roberto and John C. But, the worst offender is really Craig, who's coiffed locks and too bright smile are just too much to bear.

Where are the guys-guys? Where are the beards (and no, Justin, your disgusting soul patch does not count). Sadly I don't envy Ali at all -- I wouldn't want to having to deal with the girly men AND a "not here for the right reasons" scandal. But, as much as I wouldn't want to deal with it… I can't wait to watch it!

OMG

I didn't think anything could shock me when it came to ABC's The Bachelor. Until I read this. Apparently Warner Brothers is releasing The Bachelor: The Videogame this summer. And while part of me might just go buy a Wii for the sole purpose of being able to play said video game, the other part of me is wondering, after all this time, have we finally crossed the line? 

Dancing his way towards 15 more minutes of fame...

Melissa Rycroft move over. Jake Pavelka is now upping his ante and increasing his reality TV appearances to 3. Last night, Jake was named a contestant on the new season of Dancing with the Stars. (Stars? STARS? Really!? If Jake is a star, then Trista Sutter is the damn president.) I'm actually shocked that boring Mr. Dateless is milking this thing for all it's worth. Could it be that Jake actually came on this show to become "famous," make a little extra cash, and get laid? Maybe we've all underestimated him because the last time I checked, someone passionate about aviation doesn't leave his job to dance the samba. For me, the fact that Jake got named contestant #11 on DWTS was the most dramatic part of the entire season. You know why? Because I sat by (with retard tingles) as Tenley performed a dramatic dance for Jake, pouring every ounce of her heart and soul into it and telling Jake and the entire Bachelor audience about her passion for dance. But is Tenley on Dancing with the Stars? Why don't you kick a girl while she is down ABC? Seriously. The poor girl gets her heart broken and then Jake gets to dance off (literally) with Vienna. I am mad. We all teased Tenley for her high-pitched Disney princess voice but at the end of the day, she is a nice girl. And she doesn't deserve a broken heart at the hands of Jake Pavelka. Tenley, if you're reading this, we support you. And my mom would like to invite you to Thanksgiving.

Jake Picked the Cross-Eyed Slut

I can’t take credit for this title myself – it’s courtesy of Matt from Warming Glow, which is a pretty hilarious TV blog, if you’ve never read it. In fact, he pretty much sums up my exact thoughts on the show last night with this short but sweet synopsis:

On “The Bachelor” finale, Jake’s family and everyone in America preferred Tenley, the better-looking girl who wasn’t a bitch, but Vienna proved that a Hooters girl without a gag reflex really can do anything if she does enough kegels.

In fact, he live-tweeted the finale last night and his tweets essentially capture every emotion I (and the rest of the Bachelor Fans) had last night. Perhaps the only thing he left out was when we got into a rather heated – and inappropriate – discussion about how often Jake probably gets boners throughout this whole “journey” and, consequently, blue balls (except with Vienna who I’m sure delivers, and how). The conversation came to a screeching halt when DCBachelorFan all of a sudden brought up lube (I’m still not even sure where that comes in) and HereForTheRightReasons said something about Tenley possibly having a leg-up on the competition being an almost-virgin and all… but with that I will redirect you to Matt’s comment about kegels above.

Anyway, obviously I am just as disgusted as the rest of America with Jake’s choice. But our buddy Chris Harrison had this perspective to put on the whole thing, from his blog:

How could anybody possibly have a problem with two people falling in love with one another and finding happiness together? I’m not saying you can’t be surprised or even think that one of the other women might have been better but now that he’s made his final decision and you see they are together and very much in love, how can you fault that? I can’t imagine telling anybody they’re an idiot for falling in love and finding happiness. How can that be wrong?

You’re right, Chris, what could be wrong with having this to wake up to for the rest of your life:

But seriously dude, you must be out of your mind. Are you really suggesting that people aren’t allowed to tell someone else “they’re an idiot for falling in love and finding happiness?” I don’t think that’s what people are telling Jake he’s an idiot for. It’s not the falling in love and finding happiness part, it’s the “falling in love,” i.e. developing some sort of early-thirties First Fuck Syndrome (sorry Mom) for a classless, cross-eyed stripper-looking immature piece of trash from the sticks. I mean literally I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a more ill-matched couple in my entire life. You bet your ass that if I had a friend marrying some imitation stripper who claimed to be “in love” but really we all knew it was all about the sex and nothing more and that one day he was going to wake up and regret the biggest mistake he’s ever made in his life (probably after spending some more time with Vienna’s dad), I would have something to say about it. And before you go and say something about how Jake isn’t my friend so I have no right to comment, he also went on NATIONAL TELEVISION to FIND A WIFE. He set himself up. And he’s an idiot. What you gonna do Harrison, what? WHAT?

Finally, I will close with really the main observation I had about the show(s) last night, which was: how PUMPED must Jeffrey Osborne be about the fact that they named this show after his one-hit-wonder song?! Dude has probably gotten royalties out the wazoo, not to mention got to perform on television – I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that the audience of the Bachelor is probably 20 times more people than all of his concert audiences he’s ever performed in front of combined. If I had to pick a “winner” of this season, we all know it wasn't Tenley, and it sure as hell isn't Vienna or Jake. It's Jeffrey Osborne.

Tune in next week for what’s sure to be a gag-fest/train wreck, I mean Jason and Molly’s wedding. And apparently there is some two-hour special on 20/20 the night of March 15th called “Inside The Bachelor: The Stories Behind the Rose.” You know I will be glued to my couch watching! I couldn’t call myself a Bachelor Fan otherwise!

Sully Sullenberger

So I know I have been totally M.I.A. this season, which I must say I greatly regret, but I couldn't go the entire season without at least one post. Especially this season as it has been a perplexing paradox - a boring trainwreck. While I wish I could admit to having watched EVERY episode this season (even when I couldn't make it to group get-togethers), I'd be lying. I have, however, watched most of the episodes, and definitely enough to feel that that latest quote from Jimmy Kimmel - who, by the way, is a DIE HARD Bachelor fan - pretty much sums up this entire season...

"If [Jake] picks Vienna... I'll just say this: If he thinks that's a good decision, I don't want him flying my plane... That's not Sully Sullenberger-type decision-making."

How It All Began

As LAT Bachelor Fan so kindly noted in recent posts, these past few weeks have been traumatic here in DC. The hiatus from our traditional Monday night bachelor-watching party was torture. It was comforting to be back together tonight – after all, the hilarity of Jake and his awkwardness only grows with the number of viewers in the room. And as Ali has learned this season, distance makes the heart grow fonder. So in missing our Monday night wine, it caused me to reflect on what makes this season and in particular, this bachelor group so special. Let me begin with the season reflection and what has really been plaguing us in recent months – the one man we in DC have been cursing all season – Brad Womack.


For some sick reason, America seems to have fallen in love with boring, I mean perfect, Jake. I personally like to think of him as just another shell on the Bachelor necklace, not unlike the gay puka one Jake wore last week in St. Lucia. So in tracing those shells, let’s think back to how this all began: Brad-Deanna-Jason-Jillian-Jake. That is one F*ed up chain. I can only hope that one of Jake’s dumpees (Ali!!!) comes back as the next Bachelorette, Brad pulls a reverse-Trista move to come back as a contestant, and they get hitched. Let’s bring this thing full circle and be done with it once and for all. After all, I hold Brad, the Devil, fully accountable for the boring-ness of this season.

Now perhaps it’s not fair to put this all on Brad’s shoulders. Perhaps I’m being judgmental. But let’s be honest, the mere sight of Vienna’s crossed eyes makes me wish Brad had never been born – or at least had just married Jenny (shout out to my girl even though no one else liked her)! The truth remains that every time Jake awkwardly kisses someone’s nose then forehead, I cringe and think “I HATE you, Brad.” Then at the same time, we periodically get a great balcony-lean/cry from Jake (10 bucks one happens next week), I’m secretly pleased, and I forgive Brad just a little inside.

So in having to go through two weeks of loneliness (can I blame Brad for DC’s snow storm too?), I was ready to be back with the girls. But let me first describe last week’s viewing pleasure…

As I mentioned, I was again stuck at home – the car snowed in as DC Bachelor Fan nicely demonstrated. So I settled on the couch in my sweats ready to enjoy all St. Lucia had to offer. Now, in sheer desperation to maintain dibs on his prime location on the sectional, my (relatively new) husband agreed to watch with me. Let’s just say, I think he saw his first and last episode. Not only was he completely confused about why I kept yelling “DAMN it, Brad!” but he also wanted to know how I knew Vienna had gotten her swim suit at Sears. My only moment of appreciation at his lack of Bachelor enthusiasm was his absolute shock when Gia was kicked off; in fact he commented she was the only “normal” one. (READ: Heeeelllloooooo huge knockers.) So in recognizing that while I had maybe found my own “co-pilot,” I certainly had not found a new Bachelor-watching friend.

So even tonight’s “The Girls Tell All” – usually the worst show of the season – was a breath of fresh air. After all, we certainly know my husband would not have been as excited to relive Bachelor veterans handing out oranges at a food bank as we were tonight. Nor would he have appreciated Shayne’s wretched hair or Robin’s obvious weight gain. It continues to amaze us how Chris Harrison can fill two hours with absolutely NOTHING.

In our anxiousness to make up for lost time together, we girls have already hashed out next week’s viewing party, and the menu is set for the approaching Molly/Jason debacle. So alas, we head toward the season finale and an awkward wedding, after which Monday will no longer be my favorite day of the week. And although Gia’s boobs won’t get any smaller, Vienna’s eyes will not uncross themselves, and Brad will continue to top my sh*t list, I will ALWAYS love and appreciate the girls who entertain me daily, and you weekly, with their literary genius and Bachelor enthusiasm.

The Cutting Edge

Well ladies and... ladies, tonight we narrowed it down to the final two. Were you surprised at the outcome? I think that many of my blog ladies did not see Vienna in the final two. I say that I think and not know because I don't have confirmation. This was week TWO that Snowmagheddon kept me away from my fellow DC Bachelor Fans. Not only did it snow again tonight, but there is still snow residue, mountains, unclear roads, etc. that kept us away from each other. I can say that this is the first time I've ever watched fantasy dates alone. And it sucked.

However, the one good thing about tonight and the fact that my ladies weren't with me was that I switched back and forth between The Bach and Olympic Couples Figure Skating. Is it weird that a) I felt more love between the figure skating pairs (even when most of the men are gay) than I do between Jake and any of the remaining Bachelorettes and b) I am insanely disappointed every time I watch pairs figure skating and none of them attempt a death-defying move (aka, the Pamchenko) like Doug and Kate do in one of the best movies of all time, The Cutting Edge? I also get upset when all of the music is all classical and boring and doesn't start with car-revving engines, a la the following:



Anyway, I guess I digress but as I said, I was more consumed with my imagined love affairs between the figure skating couples than I was with the "love" going on between any of these "couples" on The Bach. Again, it goes back to my obsession with The Cutting Edge, apparently one of the greatest love stories of our time.

I don't have too much to say on tonight's episode, because as we've learned in the past (13 Bach, 5 Bach'ette) seasons, at this point in the show it all begins to sound the same. The Bach/Bach'ette can't believe he or she is falling in love with three women/men at the same time. Blah, blah, go on three romantic dates that would never be monetarily possible unless your significant other was Warren Buffet or Oprah, and fall madly in love because you are being put in a position that is so far removed from real life you might as well be... like... skating with the love of your life in the Olympics.

Things I did notice:
1) Both Tenley and Vienna have horribly fake nails. The one girl who you actually would think should have fake nails - Gia from Staten Island, I mean "Manhattan" - actually has real nails.
2) Vienna wore the same "Sears" swimsuit that we pointed out in a previous post again in this episode.
3) Despite dodging the trashy fake nails bullet, Gia has a tummy tat and so does Vienna:



At the end of this episode, the final DubTee (that's short for "White Trash," for all of you high-brows out there) tally is as follows:

Gia:
+ 1 for a tummy tat
+ 1 for posing in Maxim
+ 1 for fake boobies =
__________________
Total of 3

Tenley:
+ 1 for the fake nails
+ 1 for a divorce after one year at age 25
- 1 for the fact that she is willing to cheesy-talk Jake into an oblivion, which he likes ("You can lead me [in the dance of life] forever, you can dip me forever" =
__________________
Total of 2

Vienna:
+ 1 for fake nails
+ 1 for tummy tat
+ 1 for Sears bathing suit
+ 1 for fake boobies
+ 1 for allegedly posing topless =
__________________
Total of 5

This surely means Vienna is the worst match for Jake and, in keeping with The Bachelor tradition of men thinking with their penises and choosing the worst girl for them, surely means that Vienna will "win" the "prize" this season and end up with Jake.

Adios to Gia, and we'll see you next week for the (most boring episode of the season, but the one for which I will hopefully be reunited with my fellow DC Bachelor Fans) "The Women Tell All!"

Daddy issues anyone?

Just so that our fine readers all over the country (i.e. where our moms live) can somewhat appreciate what all of the DC Bachelor Fans have been through this week, I submit exhibit A: My Car.

And like my pal, LAT Bachelor Fan, this weather has not only made me stir crazy, it has given me an inordinate amount of time to plan my post (aside from the time I have spent watching ridiculous YouTube videos and reading a back log of "forwards" I have received over the past 3 years that have previously been sent to the Archive folder. (Thank goodness for gmail and my 7421 MB of memory. I will never delete ANYTHING.)

So before getting into my thoughts on the Bachelor, I'd like to give a shout out to a certain PA Bachelor Fan and this clip she shared with me. I'm sure you're one of the 158 million people who have already seen it, but if not, you're in for a treat: British kids are hilarious.

Well enough of the sidetracking, time to get down to business. I'm no psychologist, but did anyone else find it interesting that the world's most boring Bachelor (i.e. Jake) has chosen 3 girls from "broken homes"? I mean, either jake is trying to fix everyone or these girls are trying to find the security in Jake that they didn't get from their own fathers. Exhibit 1: Gia. Stepfather who barely said one word. But who would when your wife can be so charming with the spoken word? Yikes. I haven't heard New York accents like that since I watched Jersey Shore (good call LAT). Example 2: Ali. Did anyone see a father present? (P.S. How bad did everyone feel for Ali's obviously not as cute, smart or successful sister? My heart always goes out to the sibling who got the bad end of the gene pool. I know how that can be. Has anyone met my poor brother?) Example 3: Vienna. Her issues are different. As opposed to the other two who simply don't have fathers present, Vienna is merely obsessed with her father. Obsessed would be the correct word. When I saw those tears tumbling down his 'stache, I nearly lost it. Really!? Your daughter has been gone for, what, 3 weeks? Perhaps if you had sent her to college or let her out of the trailer you've been living in, it wouldn't be so emotional to see her after a brief hiatus. So enough of my psychoanalysis, I mean, we all have our baggage, but we all know that crazy girl from the broken home doesn't get the man. Remember Moana? Or Naomi? Tragic but true. Statistics don't lie.

And finally, before I head to bed only to wake up to another 10 inches of snow, I will end with just a few thoughts. Jake has this ridiculous shit-eating grin whenever the girls complement him and he basically nods his head in agreement as they tell him how great he is. It makes me want to barf. And die laughing all at the same time. Pathetic. I haven't met Jake's parents but something tells me the Pavleka's would not get along with Gia's mom or Vienna's dad. However, I could picture them sitting down to grace before supper with Tenley's family. Did anyone notice how young Tenley's mom looked? I mean, I know she was kind of nerdy but still, great genes. Barely a wrinkle on that woman's face. I'm jealous. Listening to Ali whine made me want to grab her chin in my hands and shake it, just like my momma used to do to me when I was misbehaving. Grow up. I'm embarrassed for her. If this whole thing was just a ploy to get herself to be the next Bachelorette, I will promise here and now that I will boycott the next season. Don't tempt me. If one more season can be tied back to Brad Wommack, I'm done.

Hometown Dates + Forced Drama = Episode 6

So, as it apparently can happen from time to time, we did not post last week after Episode 5. We really do feel bad when we don't post; but, like Ali and Ed, it sometimes happens that we must choose between The Bachelor and Our Jobs, and like most normal human beings... we choose Our Jobs. Sorry, was that a spoiler? We hope that if you read this blog, you've actually watched the episode (and, as a matter of fact, all 14 seasons of The Bachelor). Anyway, on to my musings about this week's episode.

As it so happens, we here at Final Rose, as D.C. fans of The Bachelor, were all snowed is this Monday night. If you haven't seen the news lately, we have pretty much all been gouging our eyes out with boredom ever since Friday night when approximately 100 feet of snow fell on our fair city. Add in the 100 more feet of snow that are going to continue to fall over the next few days, and you have one stir-crazy Bachelor Fan on your hands here. To not watch The Bachelor with my friends in a group as I'm accustomed to do was a bit like water-boarding (too much?) But for reals, I am used to sharing the collective retard tingles in a group fashion as opposed to having to take them on all alone.

We started out in New York with Gia's hometown date. Gia took Jake on a romantic cruise of the New York City skyline. In case you haven't been to New York, read a book, or watched TV since 1931, the Empire State Building is, as Gia so eloquently pointed out, the one with "the lawng pointy thing at the tawp." Gia is a sweet girl, but as my mom stated in an email all the way from the Caribbean (this is how you know she means business): "Gia needs to keep her fingers out of her mouth! What an annoying, silly, supposedly coy habit!" For my mom to diss someone that harshly... Gia need ta ack rite. Plus the fact that Jake did not ask her mother or her step-father for permission to marry Gia... you might think she prolly out.

It might be because (to bring back the old favorite of "Separated at Birth"):


Gia looks like the joker, and..



her brother looks like Pauly D.

Moving, on, we went to Massachusetts for Ali's hometown date. And aside from something about a dead grandma, I honestly don't remember too much. Next...

Then it was off to Oregon where we met Tenley's family and everyone's favorite topics of conversation were 1) how much/often they made each other cry and 2) her ex-husband (I think I caught approximately 8 mentions of him?) and whether Tenley was ready to move on or not. Also, I nominate as the #1 retard tingles moment of the episode as when Tenley awkwardly did a no-shoes pointe ballet dance to Canon in D, which any girl knows is the song that one often opts to walk down the aisle to. Subtle much? In the past we've had readings of poetry and expressions through song, but honestly I can say that this might be the first solo dance performance I've ever seen in 14 seasons. Well played, Crazy Christian, well played.

Last, we venture to Florida where Vienna insists upon being her crazy-eyed self and, FINALLY, her dad attempts to fill the mandatory role of crazy hick father. In this case, he used a motorcycle as his redneck prop as opposed to polishing his shotgun. Thank God this mustached man eventually showed up, because I was worrying about ABC's ability to ensure that there was at least one crazy parent in the final 4. But to be honest, he wasn't even that crazy... I've seen better. It was a good try at least, and it's not the dad's fault he got too drunk too early and got weepy/warm and fuzzy as opposed to hostile and white trash. One thing he did do that I was shocked about was walk in on Jake and Vienna making out... and then promptly turn around and walk out when Vienna demanded that he "give us a few more minutes." That's one weak-ass redneck dad. I expected to see someone picked up by the scruff of their neck... but to no avail.

Which reminds me, when I failed to write last week, I forgot to bring up this additional Separated at Birth:


Vienna's on-purpose hair-do looked like what we all used to do in the pool as children (the "George Washington," if you will). Disclaimer: I do not know this child and it was merely what came up when I Googled "pool hair." So at least someone on the Internet know what I'm talkin bout.

Anyway, we all know what happens next. Ali cries a lot but ultimately pulls an Ed and leaves Jake in favor of her job, thereby causing the first ever "no rose ceremony required" Rose Ceremony. I therefore present yet another Separated at Birth:


Ali and a toddler pitching the type of tantrum that only a toddler can pitch.

Anyway, Ali walks out on Jake despite having an apparent serious breakdown about it (Ali, sister, how glad are you now that you've stepped away and you realize you were dating the biggest douchebag in the history of Bachelors, and that's a lot, considering Lorenzo and all?). And we are left with Gia, Tenley and Vienna - none of whom seem to care about the fact that there was a very real chance they were about to be eliminated, only to be saved by Ali's freakout. But who cares about that, we're going to St. Lucia! CHEERS!

Perhaps if we get the estimated 10-20 inches of snow that are expected in the next couple of days, I will STILL be house-bound by next Monday and I will be so stir-crazy that I will write an even longer manifesto than this. Only if you're lucky... and only if I'm not.

Holy Bachelor Overload, ABC

So now, in addition to airing a Bachelor All-Stars show this summer, ABC will also be airing Jason and Molly's wedding on March 8! Be sure to tune in to this train wreck, I mean beautiful expression of love. You know we will be there, wine glass in hand and mouths gaping. And you know me, I'll be hoping for some sort Ross-esque "I take you, Melissa, I mean Molly..." mix-up from Mr. Indecisive.

Moll is not looking half as hideous here as she had been lately - props Molls for getting that hair under control!

Maxwell Caulfield

Every time Jake hops on his motorcycle, I can't help but wonder, is that really him? I mean, the guy is not nearly cool enough to be riding down the "PCH" on a bike with a black leather jacket and helmet. (Okay, maybe the helmet part is believable. We all know Jake is a stickler for safety as observed during his pre-flight check up. I'm sure that guy was the kid who insisted on wearing his helmet to ride his bike to school. No wonder he was Mr. Dateless.) Anyway, so here I am thinking, maybe its a stunt double that ABC has hired so that Jake can look slightly cooler even though we all know he's probably riding in a Dodge Minivan (nice and safe!) behind the RVs. And then it hit me (with a little help from a friend), that his stunt double is none other than Maxwell Caulfield. Who's Maxwell Caulfield you ask? Well, my friends, he is the leading man from the 1982 (shout out to the year I was born!) classic, Grease 2. Cool rider? C'mon. You know you have seen that movie. It put Michelle Pfeiffer on the map. So take a look and tell me there isn't an creepy resemblance between Jake and this dude.

So now that everyone has the song "Coooool Rider" stuck in their heads, let me get back to the task at hand. Ripping apart the remainder of the episode. If I had a dollar for every time Jake said the word dirty during this episode, I'd probably have about fourteen bucks. But seriously, ewww. Jake, the word dirty should not come out of your mouth. It just makes me squirm when he tries to make a sexual innuendo out of dune buggy-ing. There is nothing sexy about the word "buggy". I'm pretty sure the Amish would agree with me on that one.

I could spend time talking about the fact that Jake was in 11th grade before he kissed a girl but that wouldn't be fair because I'm pretty sure none of our first kisses were anything to write home about. Or I could launch into a full fledged attack on why I found it inappropriate for Corrie to wear spandex on her date but that would really just be my jealousy flaring up since there's no way in hell I could ever be caught dead in spandex outside of yoga class. Or I could write an entire blog post about Jake's horrendously hideous selection of ties but we'll save that for another time. No, what I'll end on is a gem from one of my fellow Bachelor watchers who despite her disdain for this show, keeps coming back week after week. During one of the most dramatic moments of Monday's episode, Jake decides not to give a rose to Kathryn or Ella, leaving him alone at a fire with a single red rose (and perhaps a single tear running down his face). And in a moment that completely overrides his balcony scene as most dramatic, Jake tosses the rose into the fire.

"Forget the most dramatic rose CEREMONY ever, this is the most dramatic ROSE ever, BURNED at the STAKE."

Schadenfreude

Schadenfreude is the German word defined as: pleasure derived from another person’s misfortune. And while I am not sure that schadenfreude is quite as descriptive as “retard tingles,” it also makes a certain kind of sense for me to use it here. A lot of the time that the women were speaking this week, it was almost like they were speaking a secret language, they sounded so dumb. I felt a sense of embarrassment for them, but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t deriving pleasure from their misfortune as well. I mean shit, that’s the point of this entire blog. I think it’s even ABC’s intention in airing the show at all. So it’s quite fitting that this post will focus on schadenfreude as it relates to the stupid-ass things the women said last night.

Ella describing her excitement at going on a road trip: “We’ll be rolling down the highway of love.”
I’ve seen the highway of love my friend, and trust me when I say it’s not the Pacific Coastal Highway. It’s in my boyfriend’s pants.

Gia, as she is “rushing” to get ready for her one-on-one date with Jake (i.e. agonizing for an hour over how to look casual and then choosing stilettos and a kimono as her outfit): "I’ve never gotten ready this fast in my entire life."
I would be willing to bet $100 that this statement is literally true, you self-centered New Yahk egomaniac.

Jake, describing himself in 9^th grade: “They used to call me Mr. Dateless.”
This made me pause for a moment, because the reason I don’t like Jake is because of his life-sucking boring personality. It’s certainly not because of his looks; dude is pretty hot. You could take his body as the shell and insert the personality of say, Giblert Godfrey, and I’d be more interested in him than I am now. Even still, I don’t think 9th grade girls are too worried about personality when it comes to choosing which guy to spend 7 minutes in heaven with, so on top of being boring, Jake must have been hideous in 9th grade too. Poor guy.

Kathryn, in the rejection limo: "I just don’t get it."
Sure you do honey, you got it approximately 30 minutes ago as you told Jake during your alone time that you feel like he ignores you. Then he gave you some bullshit speech about getting lost in your eyes and you thought you’d go home with a rose? Get real.

As always, these were just a choice few of the quotes from the night that really made me remember why exactly it is that I watch this show. If I wrote down all of them that simultaneously made me want to hide behind a pillow yet made me thankful for my B.A. from an actual college, we’d be here all night.

I just loved this picture of Jake surrounded by the beautiful pink dining room at the Madonna Inn. Did you guys notice that this was the same inn that The Girls Next Door visited? That's right, I watched that show too. If you thought The Bachelor was the only trashy piece of television I watch, you were sorely mistaken.

Sears? Yeah...Sears.

So its been a busy week for the DC Bachelor Fans but since we disappointed all our fans last week without a post, I thought it might behoove us to keep everyone on their toes and add a couple more thoughts to our previous musings. Plus, I've had about three glasses of wine while watching the horrible auditions on American Idol and everyone knows I'm much more clever with a little Pinot Noir running through my veins. (However, this also means our readers need to excuse any typos!)

I'd like to take a moment to paint the picture for our readers of what it is really like to watch an episode with our crew, which ranges between 5-10 viewers, depending on work and grad school schedules. This past Monday, we showed up to NotCrazyEnough's home around 8pm, where the amazing technology of DVR had already started recording our show. We opened 3 bottles of wine, put out the spread (which this week consisted of gouda cheese and green apples, pita chips and hummus, and broccoli and carrots with ranch dip), and caught up on our weekend gossip. Around 8:30pm, we finally started our watching. Generally, we need to pause on a scene anywhere between 6-8 times per episode to capture some of the amazing footage you see within our blog. Thank goodness for camera phones!

I'll walk you through a couple of extra special scenes that caught our attention (and made us giggle) this week.
1. Vienna and Jake's date moves to the pool: Vienna walks out in her bikini, which to our surprise has ruffles on the butt. We gasp at its lack of sophistication. One fan remarks, "The bathing suit is a little...(pause)...wait, let me get the word...(pause)...Sears. Yeah, Sears." My apologies to anyone who shops at Sears.
2. The camera man zooms in on Kathryn during the group date and I am surpisingly reminded of Michelle Tanner from Full House (not today's Mary Kate and Ashley). I hope we're not dating ourselves. However, instead of mocking me for the ridiculousness of this comparison, our group spends the next 3 minutes trying to remember the tag line that Michelle used to always say. With the help of Google, we figure it out and resume our watching. Want to know what it is? You got it, Dude.

3. Ella and Jake head to Sea World for their special 1-on-1 date. Shocker, ABC decides to fly Ella's little boy in for the event. Thank goodness the kid loves aviation. Favorite line? Ella saying she wants to be just like Trista and Ryan. I hate to break it to you sweetheart but Trista wasn't a divorcee, she didn't have kids before coming on the show, and her hair didn't turn into Monica's vacation hair (sorry, another Friends reference) at the first sight of Shamu in the water tank.

Finally, after about 2 hours, we finish watching the show. We gasp at the "scenes from next week", and we discuss our predictions for the craziness to come. We gulp the rest of our wine (there might have been another bottle or 2 opened in the interim) and safely head home -- we believe in public transport and designated drivers. Until next week...

Is There Such a Thing as Not Enough Crazy?

To all our devoted fans who missed us last week, I apologize. Sometimes pesky little things like “work” and “real life” get in the way of what’s really important in life, i.e. blogging about the Bachelor.

What I will say about last week’s episode is that I thought it was going to be much more dramatic given the lead-up to the big “scandal.” But I was pretty disappointed in how it went down, what with the minimal drama (aside from Chris Harrison almost vomiting on himself when he was telling Rozlyn to get the F out). Rozlyn didn’t even flip out or cry or really show any human emotion at all as she was being given the boot, and of course Jake, the boringest man on earth, didn’t deliver with any drama either. I wanted to see throwing of flowerpots, screaming and crying, kicking things, perhaps Chris Harrison being attacked with a shoe… you get the picture. So because the “scandal” was such a letdown, I have to say that my favorite part of last week’s ep was the thrilling appearance by Chicago, hands down one of the most amazing cheesy rock bands of all time (second only to Huey Lewis and the News, natch).

So, on to this week’s show. This is always about the time in the season when the girl that everyone loves to hate emerges. In the past we’ve been blessed with awesome hate-targets (see: Trish from Jesse’s season or Moana from Travis’s season), and I am not convinced that Vienna will be able to fill shoes that big. What I will say is that I hate her for my own personal reason, which is that her eyes are completely lopsided. I am talking a difference of at least a centimeter here. It makes me dizzy to look at her. Exhibit A:


Do you see what I am talking about? I can’t even decide which one is higher than the other; I just know that I have an intense sensation of vertigo simply trying to figure it out. Those peepers are creepy y’all – if this picture was hanging on the wall in your house, I can guarantee you those eyes would follow you back and forth as you walked across the room.

Speaking of hate-targets, I am shocked that Michelle didn’t get more heat from the other women in the house, considering she is a crazy bitch. A couple girls did suggest that she seek therapy behind her back, and I think the reason they were unwilling to be rude to her face is that they prefer not to wake up in the middle of the night to being suffocated with a pillow. And obviously Jake, in an attempt to escape any sort of Fatal Attraction “I’m not gonna be IGNORED, Jake” scenario, decided to call Michelle’s bluff and send her packing.



Perhaps my favorite part of this episode was Jake’s comment about Elizabeth being a tease and that it’s like she’s “dangling the carrot” in front of him.


I guess Jake must not like vegetables too much cause he told Elizabeth to hit the road. Good for him or whatever, but with the elimination of both Michelle and Elizabeth, I’m scared the ridiculous factor of this season is going to tank quickly if Jake keeps making good decisions and eliminating the crazies so quickly. Only time will tell. But I am sure there will be plenty of material to keep me entertained this season, such as what type of transportation they are going to introduce in addition to a roadster, a motorcycle, 2 helicopters and a plane – looks like next week it’s gonna be a BUS! Hell yes!! You know that nothing good can come of this. Put Ali’s banana clip, Gia’s j-j-j-joker face, j-j-joker face, 9 crazy bitches and 1 lame-ass man in a bus and you have got a PARTY my friend!

Happy Blog-a-versary

For those of you who have been faithfully following our blog since its inception (thanks Moms!), you probably already know that this week marks our 1-year blog-a-versary. (aka we've been talking smack and making ourselves laugh for a whole year on this wonderful blogosphere.) To celebrate this special occasion, I am releasing a "Final Rose" exclusive report. We were able to secure a copy of the letter that Elizabeth read to Jake during last week's episode. And after her departure last night, we thought this amazing piece of literature was too good not to be shared with our devoted following. It looks like she used a typewriter and I'm not sure where she had access to one on the set but alas, this is the real deal so enjoy!

Dear Jake. I am writing you this letter so that I can read it out loud to you during our 1-on-1 time. You will probably notice that nothing I am reading to you is actually that insightful and you might even be wondering why it is that I needed to write it down. What I should probably tell you is that I was in some horrible accident that affected my brain's ability to remember important information - we all know you have a soft spot for tragic stories and by making one up, I might have improved my chances of staying - but the truth is that I'm just plain dumb. I am going to ask you not to kiss me but then I am going to ask you time and time again if you want to kiss me. And when you say yes, I'm going to tell you that you can't kiss me. And then when you kick me off the show, the first thing I am going to ask is if its because I wouldn't kiss you. I should realize that if I have to ask, its probably the reason. I am not asking you to withhold from kissing me because I am some religious zealot like Tenley nor am I going to pretend that in normal situations I wouldn't give it away on the first date. I am simply holding out on you to see how much you really want me. I'm all about mind games. Love, Elizabeth.

The power of love.

Normally the DC Bachelor Fan, this post comes to you from NYC. Or Manhattan as Gia calls it. Seriously anyone who has ever lived in New York City knows that nobody but tourists call it Manhattan and honestly, if she had any clue, she would have just said, The City. It just made me mad to hear that Staten Island wannabe claim her roots in a city I hold so dear to my heart. So now that I’ve warmed up, let me dive right in. If nothing else, this season will make every girl who ever had a self-conscious bone in her body realize, ‘you know what? I’m not so bad.’ Many of these ladies came straight out of Girl, Interrupted and I for one am scared of Michelle. Remember our puppy killer from last season? Or Naomi’s mom that buried the dove? They have NOTHING on this cup of crazy.

But perhaps my favorite part of this week’s episode was the background music during the opening commentary. An early 90s favorite (which very few other Bachelor fans knew to my disdain until we Wiki’ed the song), I’ve copied some of the storied lyrics here:

Yes, you belong to me, I'm yours exclusively
Right now we live and breathe each other, inseparable it seems
We're flowing like a stream, running free flowing on the wings of love.



Seems like a song Channy and her landing strip would like. Speaking of Channy, did ABC order her from Asia as a potential bride for Jake? Or did they scoop her up at the nearest nail salon because someone needed a polish change? Verdict is still out from our group and sadly, we’ll never get to know. Token minority girl has already been cut. It’s nice to see that Jake doesn’t hide his racism like other Bachelors past, like Andy Baldwin who insisted on keeping Tina, the Asian Star Spangled Banner singer for like 4 weeks only to break her heart.

Which brings me to my final point. Chris Harrison. Did you really need that extra burst in the spray tan booth before the season premier buddy? You were one pump away from Ross from Friends. (Don’t pretend you all don’t know the episode I’m talking about. We’re not only about Reality TV here.)
And for the classy line that sent every girl in our bunch squirming and covering their eyes:

Chris Harrison: If you fell in love with someone who hated flying, would you give it up?
Jake: Love is more powerful than flying.

Really, Jake? Are you talking symbolically or the actual act of flying? Because honestly, I’m pretty sure the G-Force of a fighter jet might slightly overwhelm your butterflies and roses picture of what love is. I’m pretty sure when I asked my significant other if he would give up his passion if I didn’t like it, he laughed in my face and smoked another joint. I guess love isn’t more powerful than pot.

Just kidding, my beau doesn't smoke pot. In fact, the biggest passion I can think of his is watching the Bachelor. And why would I ever want him to give that up?

Yes, That JUST Happened

Well, to quote one of the Douchebagettes from last night's show, fasten your seat belts gals, because this season is going to be a "bumpy ride." I mean, if Chris Harrison says it's going to be the "most dramatic season of the Bachelor ever," it has to be true right? I mean it's not like he's ever said that before about a past season? Or spoken in gross exaggerations and hyperbole?

Aaaanyway I do have to say that I thoroughly enjoyed myself last night whilst watching this season's premiere. Jake delivered in all his cheesedick glory, and there was enough crazy in that room of women to fill an entire airplane hangar (heh). As predicted, there were a multitude of cringe-worthy and retard tingle-inducing moments throughout the show. We obviously lost count, but there were at least 3 moments in the night where all 10 of us literally screamed, and that's in addition to the many times there were numerous mutterings of "oh my god, oh my god" happening. Here is the highlight reel:

• Ali's peacock feather
• Ashleigh's fall (though according to Chris Harrison, it was fake)
• Ellen's "boop" to Jake's face as she pulled the old "what's that on your shirt?!" bit
• Valishia's incredibly sexual rubbing of the Texas dirt into Jake's palm
• Vienna molesting Jake's abs within minutes of meeting him
• Corrie's Kissimmee joke that went over like a turd in a punch bowl ("What do you think of Kissin Me... teee hee I'm from Kissimmee, Florida)
• Channy's grotesque reference to her landing strip

• Ashley's attempt at humor by dressing in a stewardess outfit (meanwhile Kathryn's all "I'm a FLIGHT ATTENDANT, BITCH"
• Tenley's brain being so small that she can't even remember the things she likes about herself and instead has to write them down and read them to Jake from a list
• Tenley's borderline breakdown because she regretting brushing Jake's lips with hers... oh well, as she said when she got the first impression rose, "Now HE can chase ME" because apparently this vapid idiot has never watched the show before and/or likes to set herself up for failure
• Michelle's sociopath tendencies lurking just beneath the surface during her alone time with Jake when she might as well have told him that a) her eggs were rotting or b) that if she doesn't win, she is going to skin him and wear him like a coat

And as I said, these were just the highlights. After last night's episode, here are the tallies as they stand now:

• Shirtless Jake Shots: 7, but this does not include the teaser at the end of the episode, because we'll count those when we get to them in real time
• Boob Job Count: at least 10, right?
  
• Retard Tingles Tally: I think a conservative estimate for the RTs from last night's episode is 37.

Finally, here's a quick rundown of the 15 Douchebagettes remaining:

• Ali, who despite being dumped for Halo, we like anyway
• Ashleigh, whose dress was horrendous but if in fact that fall was fake, you fooled us all so you go girl
• Ashley, whose mom is apparently a 17-year-old who buys her clothes at Wet Seal
• Christina, who although she is a self-proclaimed bitch, I have yet to be impressed with - let's step it up next week, sister
  
• Corrie, my #1 nominee for girl who sleeps with the producer next week
• Elizabeth, who may have the WORST boob job I have ever seen, but outside of that she seems pretty cool
• Ella, who was deducted major points in my book for giving Jake her son's prized airplane toy... you know that floozy ripped it from his hot little toddler hands before turning her back on his temper tantrum in order to go gallivanting off with the world's biggest douche
• Gia, who is from Manhattan... enough said
• Jessie, whose dress looked like a lampshade in a bordello and her hair looks like she just got up from servicing one of her clients in that same bordello
• Kathryn, who has received some flak on the 'net so far today for her dress, but I thought it was quite adorable
  
• Michelle, the single white female
• Rozlyn, whose humongous fake boobies I want to pop with a safety pin
• Tenley, a 25 year-old divorcee
• Valishia, who is somehow a "Homemaker" even though she is single... 10 to 1 odds she is a gold digging bitch who lives off her ex-husband's alimony checks and is the one they were referencing in the preview who is hiding that she has children and is divorced
• Vienna, who I will just call "Erica #2" after the gem that was Erica on Lorenzo's season, and she's also cross-eyed
  

So, all in all, I think this is going to be a highly entertaining "most dramatic season of the Bachelor EVER," all things considered. Many things to look forward to, including Jake crying on at least 1 balcony, his tantrum and walkout during an interview, lies lies and more lies from the Douchebagettes, and the "sexual affair" that goes on between one of the girls and a crew member. I've already stated who I think is going to get caught red-handed, what does everyone else think? See you back here next week!

For the Love of Blog.

As a blogger myself, I feel I have the right to be a little judgmental about other people's blogs. I mean, I would be judgmental about the Bachelor anyway, just as a speaker of English and single female, but that's beside the point.

The point is that Jake's new blog for People.com is PAINFUL. If you haven't had the pleasure, check it out here. If possible, he's more annoying in print than on television. At least you can mute the TV and he's fun to look at. Sadly, all of Jakey-poo's toolish tendencies and aww-schucks nature are in full effect in his first blog post. I'm pretty sure that some editor at People.com deleted all the smiley and winky faces before posting this bad boy. (LOL!) I just hope our boy Chris keeps up his usual standard for his behind the scenes blog. If not, Jake is not only going to ruin my enjoyment of the evening bachelor viewing, but also the next day's lunch hour reading material.