Mr. Personality

I mean, I guess if ABC were in charge of finding my boyfriend, I could count on his being attractive. At least somewhat. There's never been a Bachelor or Bachelorette that is barking ugly. So, when Jeff decided to wear a mask, I guess Ashley knew that his face would at least be camera worthy.

Before the mask stunt, ABC posted his pic along with everyone else's, so if you've forgotten, here is what Mr. Personality looks like:

Ok, no, he's not Coyote Ugly or anything, but he is completely creepy. I know that Ashley has the self esteem equivalent to the "Before" contestants in a make-over show, but that doesn't excuse her appalling lack of common sense or self-preservation. She may not have been able to see Jeff's face, but couldn't she see the bugged-out-creepy-stare eyes beneath the mask? Just that picture is giving me the heebie-jeebies. I wouldn't even have to know that the guy has absolutely no discernible sense of humor before I sent him home. Maybe its just me.

And then there was silence...

Michelle, who yapped her way through the entire season, had absolutely nothing to say last night when Brad sent her home. Nothing.  No snarky comments, no witty banter, no obnoxious remarks about her castmates.  Just silence. She wasn't quiet in her interview with Life & Style magazine, though. This is just beyond trashy so I won't even go there.

Some random ruminations:
1. I didn't have time to blog last week but I did want to mention that Chantal O.'s dress from the rose ceremony looked like a Buttered Popcorn Jelly Belly.  It was seriously the same print. Eww.
2. Brit is woah skinny.  And her hair is ridiculously long.  It made me wonder whether she was part of some weird religious cult. I feel like those are the only people that have hair that long these days.
3. Brad described his date with Emily as the best date ever, telling us how they took it to the next level. Did the producers leave something out or is it just me?  The only thing I saw in that date was a boring conversation..."it's so romantic"...."yes, it really is beautiful here"..."wow, this is the best date ever". Who talks like that?
4. I really like Shawntel but can already tell you that she'll get the boot next week after she shows her crazy at the funeral home.  We all know what happened to Naomi when her mom opted for a burial scene at the hometown date. No go.

Another edition of separated at birth

The DC crew last night all thought that Shawntel has some how with each episode become prettier and grown on us. She had us all cracking up last night with her one-on-one date conversation about her profession. Also, this one girl (myself) liked her even more when she traded in her fancy high heels from her shopping spree for a pair of flip-flops on her date. That is a classic move of mine!

So, here is the latest edition of separated at birth.

Rachel Bilson and Shawntel

Mindless? Heck, no! The academic side of the Bachelor, unveiled.

This week, I'd like highlight a couple of things I learned from watching this week's episode of the Bachelor.

1. Off-the-shoulder, crocheted tops have made a come back from the 1980s. Thank you Shawntel. 
2. A Fendi purse costs $5,000. Good to know. I can now take it off my Christmas list.
3. The plural of Ashley is Ashleys, not Ashlies. 
4. When embalming a deceased human, you must replace the blood with chemicals.  Good cocktail party "little known fact".
5. Cirque de Soleil is not as hard core as they would lead you to believe, considering they allowed two amatuers after 20 minutes of practice perform in their show.  If I was in that audience, I would have demanded a refund.  Or peed my pants from excitement!

I also figured out that I can save myself the $20 co-pay for therapy. I can just listen to Brad's therapist! Strength and vulnerability can coexist.  I told myself that a couple of times already this morning and it is really working.  Too bad that wasn't the problem, but at least I'm saving the $20.  The doctor does seem to be getting through to Brad...either that, or brainswashing him.  During his date with the Ashleys, he just kept repeating, "I have to go with my heart, I have to go with my heart." like it was some kind of mantra.  Nice work, Doc, next thing we know Brad will be on a mission to assassinate the Prime Minister of Malaysia.

I can't say I'm surprised that Marissa or Lisa got cut. In fact, I couldn't have even told you Lisa's name before last night.  I can say that I'm excited for the rest of the season to unfold in "the most controversial season of the Bachelor ever." (I wonder if Mesnick is pissed they lifted that from his season?"

Once you get a one on one, everything changes.

In case you didn't know, everything changes once you have a one on one. Every girl said it. Ashley H. Emily. Even Shawntel (not to be confused with Chantal). It was the way they said it to the poor girls who haven't even been on more than one group date that made me so mad. Their pitying glances at poor Meghan and Alli (who with their height should really team up to be beach volleyball partners or circus freaks).

I have a couple of random thoughts about this week's episode:
1. Brit is so sweet I just want to put her in my pocket and take her home. She is way too normal for Brad, though. And disappointing has terrible taste in earrings. C'mon girl, stop shopping at Claire's and try to make it to a future episode where you'll likely get to meet Neil Lane and learn what realy jewelry is all about.

2. Brad is boring. His voice is monotonous and he contributes very little to any conversation. Thank goodness he looks so damn good with his shirt off.

3. And this is serious. Similar to Firestone Fever, I'm a little POed at ABC. And not just because of their misleading story telling. Upon seeing next week's scenes of the girls going to the race track and Emily breaking down, I became furious. It's one thing to have the girl who doesn't like water walk along the bottom of the ocean (Chantal) or the girl who hates heights scale a building (Michelle) but how dare you take someone's actual real life tragedy and manipulate it to induce more drama? (Alright, so this happens every season but for some reason, this feels like it's crossing the line.) Back off our girl Emily, ABC. If she leaves the show and I don't get to hear that melodious southern accent, I'll be the one throwing elbows ala Michelle.

Lies, Damn Lies.

If Brad Womack were Pinocchio, his nose would be so long at this point that none of these women would be willing to scale a wall to make out with him. To be fair, it wasn’t just Brad that perpetuated the lies this episode – the ladies had their share of deception too.

It all started when ABC maliciously lead me to believe that Chantal gave Michelle a black eye… Or at the very least I expected Michelle to accuse Chantal of giving her a black eye. But no, through clever editing and obliqueness, ABC fooled me again. And, while it wasn’t an outright LIE, per se, I know at least one honor code that would consider “MISREPRESENTATION” to be equivalent to a lie and ABC would be out on the first plane flight back home to sunny California.

My favorite lie of the evening happened pretty early, when Michelle sat down to ice her mysterious black eye- with a popsicle, no less. About three ladies reassured her that “oh, it looks so much better.” LIES! The girl still looked like she had “a misunderstanding” with a john. And not in the “George Costanza slaps Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, but she will persevere because hookers have a heart of gold” way. The effect was probably more created by the clothes and trashy make-up, but either way, it didn’t look “better”.

The other tall tales I noticed last night were these:

- Michelle told Brad it was Ok for him to go talk to Ashley H. at the beginning of “her day”. This does not look like the face of a woman who is “ok”:

- Brad said he admired Stacey the Bartender for being honest about cheating. Then he refuses to give her a rose. So much for all that admiration.

- Brad told his Life Coach that he was uncomfortable with all the kissing. Uh, I’ve never been in therapy, but I’m pretty sure its meaningless if you’re not going to be honest with your therapist.

- Chantal telling the camera that she was prepared to see Brad dating other women. Oh, honey, you’ve been crying for three weeks straight. I’m not sure that word means what you think it means.

- The redhead whose name I didn’t bother to learn tells America that her dad will be “very proud of her”. Does it count as a lie if she’s telling it to herself?

With all the lies flying around last night, it’s hard to know what to believe anymore. I guess I’ll just have to fall back on belief that you CAN find love on T.V.

The Bachelor: Daddy Issues

ABC, in all its infinite wisdom decided not to give this season of the Bachelor a subtitle. Which, given Monday’s performance and Brad’s make-out tendencies is good, because it probably would have been called The Bachelor: Kiss from a Rose. However, I have another suggestion. They should have called it The Bachelor: Daddy Issues. It all started with Brad’s stumbling admission in the first episode that he didn’t propose to Deanna not because she was bossy and blinked a lot, but because his dad was MIA for most of his childhood. Now, in a weird and misguided attempt to bond with Brad, every single lady is pulling a daddy skeleton out of the closet, and the Bachelor is EATING IT UP. Although, I guess ABC did the best it could. I’m not going to judge or anything, but given that they found 30 (!) women in their 20s (and Michelle) who were willing to date someone who was almost 40, I guess there were bound to be some daddy issues.

I really hope this serious streak doesn't last past this season. It will ruin everything I love about the Bachelor. Kind of like when Extreme Makeover went from Plastic Surgery to giving downtrodden people new houses. Thank God Bridalplasty swooped in to save the day! So, I say Enough with the tears already! We’re here to find love! And, as the resident Dr. Phil explained, the best way to find love it for Brad to open his hole and let the ladies stick something in. Granted, I fast forwarded through like ½ of this part, but it seemed like a really long and awkward reverse-psychology metaphor for sex. Put something in the hole? Don’t worry, doc, this Bachelor has got that one down. And, judging by the fifteen times he commented on his sexual chemistry for Chantal, she may be the first to reap all the benefits of Brad’s new “therapist”. (My new favorite piece of information is that this “Life Coach” (read: not a trained professional) once played in the 90s band Go West! AWESOME.)

I actually like Chantal, and I’m really excited to see if she does in fact give Michelle a black-eye. I’m betting on the fact that Michelle does it to herself to get more attention, because the girl is bat-shit crazy. And a little desperate. But, mostly just crazy. Did she really expect the bachelor to meet her and declare the whole season at an end? Also, it may be a hometown hero thing, but I really like Emily too. (WhooHoo NASCAR country!) At first, I thought she was going to be a little too homespun, but I think she’s actually pretty down to earth, and I admire her for calling those crazies out last week for being “smartasses”. Although that Grand Ole Opry Off the Shoulder number she was sporting in the first episode was terrifying. Terrifying.