Once you get a one on one, everything changes.

In case you didn't know, everything changes once you have a one on one. Every girl said it. Ashley H. Emily. Even Shawntel (not to be confused with Chantal). It was the way they said it to the poor girls who haven't even been on more than one group date that made me so mad. Their pitying glances at poor Meghan and Alli (who with their height should really team up to be beach volleyball partners or circus freaks).

I have a couple of random thoughts about this week's episode:
1. Brit is so sweet I just want to put her in my pocket and take her home. She is way too normal for Brad, though. And disappointing has terrible taste in earrings. C'mon girl, stop shopping at Claire's and try to make it to a future episode where you'll likely get to meet Neil Lane and learn what realy jewelry is all about.

2. Brad is boring. His voice is monotonous and he contributes very little to any conversation. Thank goodness he looks so damn good with his shirt off.

3. And this is serious. Similar to Firestone Fever, I'm a little POed at ABC. And not just because of their misleading story telling. Upon seeing next week's scenes of the girls going to the race track and Emily breaking down, I became furious. It's one thing to have the girl who doesn't like water walk along the bottom of the ocean (Chantal) or the girl who hates heights scale a building (Michelle) but how dare you take someone's actual real life tragedy and manipulate it to induce more drama? (Alright, so this happens every season but for some reason, this feels like it's crossing the line.) Back off our girl Emily, ABC. If she leaves the show and I don't get to hear that melodious southern accent, I'll be the one throwing elbows ala Michelle.

Lies, Damn Lies.

If Brad Womack were Pinocchio, his nose would be so long at this point that none of these women would be willing to scale a wall to make out with him. To be fair, it wasn’t just Brad that perpetuated the lies this episode – the ladies had their share of deception too.

It all started when ABC maliciously lead me to believe that Chantal gave Michelle a black eye… Or at the very least I expected Michelle to accuse Chantal of giving her a black eye. But no, through clever editing and obliqueness, ABC fooled me again. And, while it wasn’t an outright LIE, per se, I know at least one honor code that would consider “MISREPRESENTATION” to be equivalent to a lie and ABC would be out on the first plane flight back home to sunny California.

My favorite lie of the evening happened pretty early, when Michelle sat down to ice her mysterious black eye- with a popsicle, no less. About three ladies reassured her that “oh, it looks so much better.” LIES! The girl still looked like she had “a misunderstanding” with a john. And not in the “George Costanza slaps Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, but she will persevere because hookers have a heart of gold” way. The effect was probably more created by the clothes and trashy make-up, but either way, it didn’t look “better”.

The other tall tales I noticed last night were these:

- Michelle told Brad it was Ok for him to go talk to Ashley H. at the beginning of “her day”. This does not look like the face of a woman who is “ok”:

- Brad said he admired Stacey the Bartender for being honest about cheating. Then he refuses to give her a rose. So much for all that admiration.

- Brad told his Life Coach that he was uncomfortable with all the kissing. Uh, I’ve never been in therapy, but I’m pretty sure its meaningless if you’re not going to be honest with your therapist.

- Chantal telling the camera that she was prepared to see Brad dating other women. Oh, honey, you’ve been crying for three weeks straight. I’m not sure that word means what you think it means.

- The redhead whose name I didn’t bother to learn tells America that her dad will be “very proud of her”. Does it count as a lie if she’s telling it to herself?

With all the lies flying around last night, it’s hard to know what to believe anymore. I guess I’ll just have to fall back on belief that you CAN find love on T.V.

The Bachelor: Daddy Issues

ABC, in all its infinite wisdom decided not to give this season of the Bachelor a subtitle. Which, given Monday’s performance and Brad’s make-out tendencies is good, because it probably would have been called The Bachelor: Kiss from a Rose. However, I have another suggestion. They should have called it The Bachelor: Daddy Issues. It all started with Brad’s stumbling admission in the first episode that he didn’t propose to Deanna not because she was bossy and blinked a lot, but because his dad was MIA for most of his childhood. Now, in a weird and misguided attempt to bond with Brad, every single lady is pulling a daddy skeleton out of the closet, and the Bachelor is EATING IT UP. Although, I guess ABC did the best it could. I’m not going to judge or anything, but given that they found 30 (!) women in their 20s (and Michelle) who were willing to date someone who was almost 40, I guess there were bound to be some daddy issues.

I really hope this serious streak doesn't last past this season. It will ruin everything I love about the Bachelor. Kind of like when Extreme Makeover went from Plastic Surgery to giving downtrodden people new houses. Thank God Bridalplasty swooped in to save the day! So, I say Enough with the tears already! We’re here to find love! And, as the resident Dr. Phil explained, the best way to find love it for Brad to open his hole and let the ladies stick something in. Granted, I fast forwarded through like ½ of this part, but it seemed like a really long and awkward reverse-psychology metaphor for sex. Put something in the hole? Don’t worry, doc, this Bachelor has got that one down. And, judging by the fifteen times he commented on his sexual chemistry for Chantal, she may be the first to reap all the benefits of Brad’s new “therapist”. (My new favorite piece of information is that this “Life Coach” (read: not a trained professional) once played in the 90s band Go West! AWESOME.)

I actually like Chantal, and I’m really excited to see if she does in fact give Michelle a black-eye. I’m betting on the fact that Michelle does it to herself to get more attention, because the girl is bat-shit crazy. And a little desperate. But, mostly just crazy. Did she really expect the bachelor to meet her and declare the whole season at an end? Also, it may be a hometown hero thing, but I really like Emily too. (WhooHoo NASCAR country!) At first, I thought she was going to be a little too homespun, but I think she’s actually pretty down to earth, and I admire her for calling those crazies out last week for being “smartasses”. Although that Grand Ole Opry Off the Shoulder number she was sporting in the first episode was terrifying. Terrifying.

Did somebody say it was their birthday?

Not sure if anyone else knew this, but guess what? It was Michelle's birthday during Monday night's episode. And as she'll have us know, not her 28th birthday, not her 32nd birthday, but her 30th birthday.  I mean, I'm all for celebrating birthdays. My fellow fans know I've been known to throw myself a mean birthday bash but c'mon. You turning 30 just means one thing. Desperation.  Michelle, I'm not going to say much more because, let's be honest, you scare me. And I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want to get a knock at my door one night from the likes of you and your scary mug.

 As for the carnival date, I'm not sure whether that is romantic or just plain creepy. Did anyone else see the giant clown they had to walk through to get inside? Talk about nightmares!  What if she was afraid of clowns and just peed her pants when she saw that? Or better yet, what if the ever so intelligent mixing of white wine and cotton candy just didn't sit well? I don't think I've seen anything that tacky since White Zinfandel in a box. But I was glad to see Brad open up. Even if I was really thinking, "Dude, suck it up. Ashley's dad was an addict and homeless but somehow she has managed to get her college degree and complete dental school at an Ivy League institution. Who's parents haven't messed them up? It doesn't mean you can't live a productive and love-filled life.  Get over it. Move on. And go to college."

And another separated at birth for the records. Jackie reminds me of Rachel Berry (i.e. Lia Michele) from Glee. I am expecting her at some moment to break into show tunes. One can only hope its a bit of Barbara.

and

Final rumination: I realized on Monday's episode that 90% of the girls have names that end in an "E" sound. Ashley. Keltie. Emily. Lindsay. Jackie. It's unnerving.  I will say I am happy to share my name, and it's spelling, with one girl who has yet to completely embarrass herself or our name. Here's hoping she does something radical though to get noticed enough to make it through a few more episodes. 

DC Crew Back Together Again

For the second episode of the season the few stragglers left in DC were able to get together to watch. It was a great evening. Lots of wine, lots of gabbing about the girls, and lots of good catching up! The few of us have plans to keep the DC viewing parties going. :-)

Ok, so now on to a few comments about last night. What was up with Ashley H's dress? I can say that all five of us watching thought it was horrible. Not only was the bottom of the dress a hot mess, but the top and bodice were a poor fit. What's more shocking to me about this is the fact that I saw girls tonight say they loved the dress. Let me digress a bit . . . Last week I went on a Bachelor frenzy when I got wrapped up in all the excitement after the first episode. One boring day at work I decided to follow Ali, Jillian, Tenley, Chris Lambton (so wishing he was the Bachelor this season!) on Facebook and/or Twitter. So, tonight on Tenley's facebook page girls were commenting on how much they loved Ashley H's dress. Here is one of the comments "Love, love, loved Ashley H. dress!!!! So adorable!!". That is a lot of exclamation points. I want to know what dress that girl was looking at!?! Another point about Ashley H. . . I give her to award for the most aggressive kiss in Bachelor history. I was afraid she was going to smother Brad, luckily his big nose prevented that.

Last night we all were wondering why this season they are not showing the girls ages and I discovered the answer today from Chris Harrison's (love him!) blog. Straight from the horses mouth:

Speaking of age, many of you have asked why we aren’t showing how old the women are this year. I find it interesting their age makes such a difference to you. Not sure why age would make a difference in finding love. There actually is a technical reason the ages aren’t on there this season: We changed the graphics up a bit and they just don’t fit. But I will tell you if you pay attention you will learn how old these women are as we go.

If you don't read his blog each Tuesday after the episodes, you should. They're fun!

Also, I gained a lot respect for Brad last night when he let both Melissa and Raichel go. It was really unclear to all of us what started this hatred between the two girls and none of it seemed to make any sense the entire episode. I'm glad to see the producers didn't make him keep them around for drama sake. Speaking of that, I do question his motivation to keep vampire girl around. I'm hoping that's the producers pulling the strings there.

Lastly, loved seeing Ali and Roberto! They are super cute together. I'm wishing them luck in staying together. The odds are against them, but I have a feeling they might just beat them!

Kiss from a rose

I don't know what bothered me more about last night's episode. Having to sit through 2 painful minutes of watching Deanna's eye twitch or watching the scene's from this upcoming season when Seal performs on one of the dates. Really? Seal? How is Seal even still considered a singer? He had ONE SONG. Sure it won a Grammy. In 1994. Some of these girls were in kindergarten. I can only hope it doesn't become the next "On the Wings of Love".

As the most controversial season kicks off, Chris Harrison pulls out a whammy and brings back both Jenni and Deanna to confront Brad. Brad, who by the way, still seems like a bit of a napkin but is really quite nice to look at.  I know my pal HerefortheRightReasons nearly peed her pants when Jenni came back. Our friend was the one that needed the therapy after Brad dumped her.  She was devastated. I'm just glad she now has some closure. I wish I could say the same for Brad. Unless closure comes in the form of Deanna saying in her obnoxious twitchy accent, "I only hope you find what I found. And what Jenni found." What exactly is it that you found Deanna? Your soul mate? True love? No, you pathetic drip, you found a warm body who agreed to marry you despite the fact that you're annoying as hell. A skinny, Brooklyn-ite break dancing twin who you can have your double wedding with a live happily ever after.  Deanna, the only thing you found is the only chance you have to still get married before you turn 30. (Off soap box.)

Moving on to why we are really here. Brad and his interesting litter of ladies. He obviously kept the vampire chick to add a little drama. He'll obviously fall in love with tragic widow number two who will realize that her love for him could never be as strong as the love she had for high school sweetheart. He'll probably screw (literally and figuratively) the hair stylist Michelle who at the ripe age of 30 is a woman, not a little girl, thank you very much. I will give him some credit for actually choosing girls on the older end of the age scale. Sure, they're still ten years younger than him but at least he cut the 23 year olds.  I can't wait to see what happens next week.

As I think ahead to this season, it is bittersweet for me and my fellow Bachelor watchers. (You may recognize I am no longer DC Bachelor fan but now PA Bachelor Fan.) You see, jobs, school, life, rehab...whatever, have taken many us away from our time in our nation's capital. So instead of enjoying a glass or four of red wine and gossiping during commercial breaks with my gal pals, I'll be watching this upcoming season in the rust belt. While I won't be totally alone (thanks to a husband who knows who you're talking about when you say Bob Guinea, Trista Rehn, and Travis Stork), I sure will miss having my girls around. I sure will miss enjoying the delicious snacks and wine shared around an Ashley furniture coffee table. I sure will miss pausing to take Blackberry pictures. You may be far in miles. But close in my heart.

Soul Searching

Well kids, we're baaaaack. Our break from blogging, similar to Brad's past three years, has been filled with a great deal of self-reflection, soul searching, and intensive therapy.  Why do we really write this blog? What are we offering our readers?  Can we really commit to watching for another embarrassing season?  Upon our reflections, we realized it just wasn't right to have our fan, I mean fans, suffer. So here we are, ready for another go around. And it looks like this one will be a do-sy. 

Before jumping into this season, aka the Most Controversial Season of the Bachelor ever, I do have a few regrets about our break from the interweb.

1. The Weatherman. Jonathon from Ali's season seriously provided enough material to elicit a blog bearing his name yet for our selfish reasons, we opted not to write about Ali's season and now everyone has lost big time. The Weatherman with his tiny pectorals, grandpa-like sense of humor, and inability to realize that unless he grows a few inches in multiple places will never land a lady, made watching Ali's season worthwhile. Plus, he added so much to the Bachelor Pad this summer. I salute you, Weatherman, and on behalf of our team here at the Final Rose, hope you'll forgive our oversight.
2. "You're dangerous."  Watching Craig M. impersonate the other guys in the house talking about how he was "dangerous" continues to provide me much laughter.  Sometimes if I'm feeling extra sassy, I'll look away from the camera, turn back around guns blazing and say with a twinkle in my eye, "I'm dangerous" and just erupt into fits of laughter. What camera you say? Don't worry about it.
3. The Bachelor Pad. Between 'roid rage Dave, "Kip-Ten", the Brangelina like nickname of Kiptyn and Tenley, Gwen's question mark in place of her age the entire season -- she is 40, I guess I would be embarrassed too, and Nikki's still entirely too long woman sideburns, it was quite a summer of drama. Sorry we missed you.