Angry Dave "Comes Clean"

As I occasionally stumble upon the Bachelor, Bachelorette and Chris Harrison blogs during my visits to People.com, I happened to come across Dave's effort to clear the air about his seemingly explosive personality. Dave begins that "there is a lot more to me than what you saw on TV" and proceeds to describe what he believes is his true self - including his role as the guy who "befriended the producers." Really? If his angry persona was in fact "contrived," who does he think carried out this objective...

Unfortunately for Dave, his appeal to the public didn't have quite the same effect as he planned. Inevitably, an angry "famous" (a nod to one of our new acquaintances) person will always end up showing his or her true colors. In some cases, they often reveal more about themselves than they anticipated in an effort to show what "the camera never captured." The traits he tries to convince America are "the real him" were not the positive ones he was hoping for. Dave describes himself as "upbeat and outgoing." Perhaps by "upbeat," he means he would like to "up and beat" someone (most likely Juan)? While he tried to downplay his statement "I want to kill Juan" by saying "that doesn't mean I want to kill Juan," I'm not sure Juan, the other housemates, or the viewers, would agree. He also reveals that he is not at all the shy, tongue-tied bachelor that Jillian found endearing, leading her to pin him with the "first impression rose." So I guess that makes him a liar? Or at the very least, disingenuous? In addition, he refers to himself in third person, and we all know the tendency of certain self-involved people to take this approach.

Let's hope Dave enrolls in anger management classes soon - and when he graduates, hopefully his "comeback" in People will feature a picture of him kissing a puppy.

The List Continues....

To pick up where LATBachelorFan left off, I have a few superlatives to add to the list:

Most Over-Used Phrase on The Bachelorette: Not Here for the Right Reasons (see also: Here for the Right Reasons). Since ABC has apparently taken away Chris Harrison's right to use his ace in the hole: "Coming up, the most intense rose ceremony ever," this Bachelor catch phrase takes the cake. The beauty of this sentence is that it implies that you care for the rose-giver, without actually meaning anything at all. Never has this statement been more meaningless than on this season, when Jilli's interpretation of being here for the right reasons means that you've been hurt before and are here to find a rebound girl - unless, of course, you are hot like Kiptyn or have a music career to launch like Westicles.

Most Likely to End Up in the Real World House: David. Ok, so he's way past the right age to be on MTV, but with his boozing, fighting, and general warped world view, David is the perfect candidate to be one of the seven strangers. If, by completely lacking a personality, Juan was able to work him into an alcoholic rage, think what the fire starters they generally put in the Real World House could do. The one thing standing in his way of moving into Dupont Circle is his vocabulary. I mean, even MTV has decency standards. Maybe Dave needs to go wash his mouth out with tequila. Again.

Most Incestuous Bachelor Family: Brad--Deanna--Jason--Jillian. I will be the first to admit that I was excited when they announced that Jillian would be the newest Bachelorette. But, the past few seasons of the Bachelor/Bachelorette are starting to feel like a bad dream -- where characters from different facets of your life mix together until you wake up in a panic that your cougar aunt might actually be hooking up with your boss. This feeling of character de ja vu was only compounded with Melissa's never-ending cameo on Dancing with the Stars. ABC, take note, I will continue to watch Jillian, because I care about true love and happiness, but after this, it's time for some fresh meat, please.

Best Ever Party Trick: Robby. I don't know how he made it happen, but when Robby caught a cherry on a toothpick, I fell in love, just a little bit.

Another Day, Another Douchebag

The drama really got kickin' on this week's episode of The Bachelorette. Despite Deanna Pappas's opinion that Jillian's season is "boring," we politely disagree. That statement among others will be covered in a later post - let's just say some of the DC Bachelor Fans met Ms. Pappas and she is just as self-important and smug in person as she was on the show. Narcissistic former Bachelorettes aside, let's move on to dissecting this week's episode! I'd like to hand out a few awards to the Bachelors:

Worst Attempted Pick-Up Line: Jillian. Her statement to Kiptyn that all he needs to do is "look in a mirror" to see the type of looks she likes in a guy was kind of bush league. And Jill, if what you really desire in a man are huge Dumbo stick-out ears, then I guess Kiptyn and Tanner P. will be the final two. Yikes. Let's leave the pickup lines to the men and you just keep being your sweet little kissing slut self.

Worst Appearance of a Newsboy Cap: Jesse. Despite his attempt to channel Christian Bale's character (Jack Kelly) in Disney's 1992 musical smash "Newsies," I still think Jesse is entirely crushable. But one more stint with a newsboy cap and I'm going to have to start questioning his sexuality. Admittedly, I don't think there's a whole lot to choose from out on those vineyards in the middle of nowhere other than sweaty fieldhands, so perhaps I'm not too far off base here... Then again, his kiss with Jill on the yacht looked very enjoyable - the DC Bachelor Fans agree that so far this season that kiss has been the least cringe-worthy (for some reason I can't stand watching the makeouts on this show and ususally end up closing my eyes or hiding behind a pillow, but this one I watched with eyes wide open). I will continue to hold out hope for Jesse and Jilly.

Most Likely To Make a Comeback: Michael. Michael seemed to be the only guy who actually cared that Jillian was on the curling date. Everyone else was too absorbed in shit-talking and endzone dancing to care that she was standing right there! Michael was the only one to take advantage of her presence by repeatedly hugging her because she was "cold..." I guess that's what happens when you wear ass-hugging spandex to the ice rink?

Most Egregious Overstatement: Jake. He had this to say about their one-on-one date: "It made my year, it made my life." Ok, Mr. Perfect. We get it. You think you're perfect and you have to drive home that sentiment with being all sensitive and overly stating how you feel about Jillian after knowing her for TWO WEEKS. Give the perfect act a rest and do something like fart or pick your nose in front of Jilli; maybe then she will actually end up liking you! A holier-than-thou attitude will get you nowhere with this feisty Canuck.

Dumbest Statement: Mike. "This is like a one-on-one date just split in half." No shit. That's why it's called a two-on-one date, you moron. No wonder she sent you packing in a gondola... and not a moment too soon (see below).

First Drop of the L-Word: Mike. Before he is sent packing, Jimmy Bagadonuts claims that he is "falling in love with Jillian." And it begins. I think episode 4 is a little early for this word to be tossed about, but someone had to be the first one! Jimmy, there are plenty of infintely classy ladies back on The Island who I am sure would be overjoyed to have you and your perfectly quaffed hair say this about them. Best of luck, sir.

Funniest Wes-Bash of the Night: Ed. Ed's statement that Wes is a "country singin' turd" is just another reason why we love this guy. It almost forgives his borderline douchey question earlier on in the episode about whether or not the hotel has a hottub...

Noblest Self-Destruction: Tanner P. For everything we've said about Tanner P. and his disgusting toe sucking obsession, I think that he really did Jill a favor by telling her that some guys have girlfriends. He knows he isn't going to be the last man standing, and he is just trying to help a sister out! Which I am sure he has already begun to regret after what seemed like an hour-long standoff at the rose ceremony, only to be followed with Jillian's Spanish Inquisition that will take place on a snowmobile on next week's episode. Good deeds never go unpunished, do they?

Best Impression of a Private Investigator: Chris Harrison. Chris's statement that they will "get to the bottom of this" girlfriend situation was priceless. And according to his blog entry this week, Chris was good and pissed off for Jill after this bomb was dropped at the cocktail party. Chris really is the master at making awkward situations even more awkward... who can forget "Who else here has a problem with Meghan?" from Jason's season? We love you Chris! Keep it coming!!

The Lion, The Witch, and the Bachelorette....

Totally agree, NotCrazyEnough, let's call a spade a spade and just say it: Jillian cut Sasha because it was just too ridiculous to keep him. Setting aside the name, (which does merit a couple of ridiculous points), his uncanny resemblance to Mr. Tumnus would make kissing him completely uncomfortable. Unfortunately, I think its his awkwardly geometric hair which brings to mind creatures from Narnia…NOT his resemblance to James McAvoy.

Hypocrite or Not?

I know I missed our group viewing this past week, but I do care about Jillian, Jillian's happiness, and Jillian finding true love.

That said, I kind of think she was a hypocrite last week. Did anyone else realize that both Sasha and Kiptyn basically said the same thing, that they have never been in love and that they were always the heart breakers? Yet, our dear Jillian kicks Sasha to the curb for saying it and decides to swoon over Kiptyn for it. Obviously the physical attraction and chemistry is there between Kiptyn and the leading lady, but how can you turn a blind eye to the same statement out of his mouth that you just kicked a cute guy home for? Don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with her letting Sasha go, I just think she should have said it was because she didn't want to make out with him instead of coming up with the excuse that he hasn't been in love before and she couldn't live up to his expectations. I think Jillian thought that Sasha couldn't live up to her expectations in bed! I seem to think her libido seems to be ruling her decisions for now.

Ed is definitely my fave so far in this game. Although his kiss did seem to be a weak kiss and no girl likes a weak kiss. We all want to be blown away by an amazing kiss. So, Ed step up the game with your make out skills so that our dear Jillian keeps you around!

Yeah, and I'm looking for a Tyrannosaurus Rex

Sorry Sasha, but we knew you were cooked the moment you told Jilli you were looking for a mythical unicorn. While it reminded me of one of my favorite Irish Drinking Songs ("The Unicorn Song"), I just couldn't handle, like Jilli, Sasha's desire to find someone so perfect. Setting himself up for disappointment -- because we ladies are crazy bitches.

My amiga LATBachelorFan really covered a good deal of ground in her post so let me just add a few points:

1. Ed won me over when he talked about his love for karaoke saying - "its not about being good, its about thinking you're good." Let's just hope that motto doesn't carry over into his bedroom skillz. I actually just blushed writing that sentence. Man, Ed really has a hold on me.

2. Dave needs to enroll in Anger Management AS SOON AS POSSIBLE for the sake of all living creatures. I am just thankful there isn't a little puppy living in that house because god help that pup if he tried to snuggle up to Jill or steal Dave's 1-on-1 time. I have no doubt in my mind that Dave has drowned puppies.

3. Dave needs to get over the fact that Juan "faked a shot". I mean, how old are you? Really? Why are you taking shots in the first place? I mean, I know the DC Bachelor Fans like to enjoy some jello shooters every once and a Monday but do adult men really need to take shots to be masculine? Dave - get over it. You scare me. And the puppies.

4. Mike, my fellow New Yorker. There is a name we call guys like you back on the Island (Staten, Long, or Manhattan, take your pick!) - and that is Jimmy Bagadonuts. Jilli's Canadian accent is way too cute and your NY attitude will never fly up with the Canuks. Sorry buddy, but I predict your end is near. I'm sure you'll find a lovely New York girl with long dark hair who is tan year-round and whose name is Marissa. She works at the salon around the block. Try there.

5. Can Ed be any cuter? Swoon. PLEASE, for all things sacred, don't turn out to be a d-bag.

And finally, the moment of truth.

6. Every time I heard Wes sing his STUPID song, I kept thinking - I've heard this somewhere before. These lyrics sound familiar. This tune sounds familiar. And then it hit me: Listen to Wes' inspiration. Yes, our boy Wes stole his lyrics from the legendary Supremes. C'mon dude, if you are going to plagiarize, know your audience.

Okay, one more thing.

7. We love it how Tanner P. looks so dejected in this scene that we had to capture it for our audience.

Getting to Know You, Getting To Know All About You...

Getting to like (some of) you, getting to know you like feet...

This week on the Bachelorette, we continued to get to know the Bachelors, and I finally feel like I can actually tell most of them apart. While 30 men was a bonus for Jillian, it has been more confusing for the audience, specifically those of us who guzzle wine through the entire episode and mostly talk over the show and each other. Wine chugging and fuzzy memories aside, I think our little group will agree with me when I choose to categorize the remaining Bachelors into four categories: the good, the bad, the downright ugly and the departed.


The Good:
Ed - I won't explain in detail the amount that we were gushing over Ed last night. Suffice it to say that he rose (no pun intended, heh) very quickly to the top of our favorites list, and when he was speaking it was one of the only times throughout the night that we actually shut up. Because we were too busy blushing and giggling at the TV to say anything, besides the obligitory "I love him!" everytime they showed his face.
Jake - Still one of our frontrunners even though he wasn't really featured this episode. I still question his sincerity but he is a favorite of other members of our group so...
Jesse - Also not really featured too much this episode, but his Chris O'Donnell-looking mug deserves to stay around until the end if only for the fact that he is cute as a button! He better get an alone date next week.
Kiptyn - Although I still think that Kiptyn looks like a guy I happened to drunkenly make out with once at a jorts party and that he has big ears, again other members of the group seem to be fans, so here he remains.
Reid - Reid really started to show his personality this week, and he was JUST about to make a move on Jilli when Juan the Funky Homosapien chose that exact moment to interrupt. Come on, man! I want to see Reid in action! Fingers crossed for next week...
Robby - Despite the fact that he essentially admitted to not having kissed a woman in two years (how is that possible, by the way? I can't go two weekends without kissing someone...), we still think Robby is the poop.

The Bad:
Mark - Mark has solidified himself as "Who IS That Guy" in our group. Literally every time they showed his face one of us would scream that out, and we weren't even doing it to be funny. I mean, come on dude, get yourself out there, talk about the weather, pizza, SOMETHING!
Michael - I don't think that Michael is a match for Jillian, and that is why he appears in this category. However, he does serve as comedic relief throughout the episodes, and for that I am thankful... his stiff ape-lip impersonation of Brad's kiss with Jillian was not only accurate but hilarious.
Mike - I think unfortunately for Mike his speedo trick and recreation of Brokeback Mountain will be all that fills his 15 minutes of fame. Sorry, buddy.

The Ugly:
Douchebag Dave - I really don't think I need to fill too much space here with lamentations about this bull in a china shop and his seemingly endless supply of rage. I'll just leave you with some documentation of his face twitch that occurs when he is good and pissed:

Wowzers.

Juan the Funky Homosapien - So the majority of the group seem to think that Juan plays for the other team, but I am pretty sure that he is just asexual. Which is easier to picture, Juan masturbating to another man or him just masturbating to himself in the mirror? I choose option B. Also, Dave's main gripe against Juan is that he is there "for the wrong reasons." Dave, no, he is NOT there for the wrong reasons, he just happens to be a choch-bag, or a cheesedick, or what you would call a "cheeseass," ok? Don't get it confused.
Tanner P. - So obviously Tanner P.'s foot soliloquy was possibly the funniest moment of the season to date. The only thing that confused me about the toe suck dance was that in his modern dance movements of sucking toes, he made it appear that Jillian's toes were like, really, really, long. So now I can't stop picturing him sucking these really long toes, belonging to some creature out of a Roald Dahl book or something. I wonder what he would do if he knew I could pick up a roll of quarters with my foot...
Wes - In addition to being a total creeper (as well as a lyrics thief, which I will leave to you, DCBachelorFan), Wes is also boring, which I just realized this week. When he's not singing and my blood isn't boiling, he's talking and I'm snoring. Also I can't believe how effing NAIVE Jillian is being about this guy! I mean come on... "I want to play my song for you again." It's not so that he can make you swoon, Jilli, it's so that he can attract the attention of whatever record producer who maybe wasn't paying attention the FIRST 100 FUCKING TIMES HE PLAYED IT. Wake UP sister!! End rant.

The Departed:
Sasha - Alright, I feel really bad for this guy. Not only was his rejection the first "recession era" rejection we've seen on public transportation, but Jillian made a realllly bad decision eliminating this guy just because he hasn't been in love yet or whatever BS reason she used. That may be an understandable elimination to make if you are down to 10 or 5 or whatever, but when you have an entire stockpile of douchebags just begging for elimination back at the house?! Totes harsh, Jilli.
Brad - Peace be with you, sister kisser. I can promise this will be the last time I ever think of your gross face.
Tanner F. - Poor guy. Jillian didn't even give him a chance. And I will reiterate what I said about the stockpile of douches at the ready (reference "The Bad" and "The Ugly" above).

Hopefully next week our leading lady starts making some wiser decisions. I am not ready to give up on her yet, but I am just waiting for her otherwise great taste to start reflecting itself in her taste in men (ADORABLE onesie, by the way, Jilli!!). Next week looks to be quite a thrilling epidsode... who knows, perhaps this could even be the first "most dramatic rose ceremony EVER" this season! Which guys have girlfriends? Will Dave slit Juan's throat? Will Mike and Mike decide they like each other better than they like Jillian? Tune in next week to find out!