Getting to Know You, Getting To Know All About You...

Getting to like (some of) you, getting to know you like feet...

This week on the Bachelorette, we continued to get to know the Bachelors, and I finally feel like I can actually tell most of them apart. While 30 men was a bonus for Jillian, it has been more confusing for the audience, specifically those of us who guzzle wine through the entire episode and mostly talk over the show and each other. Wine chugging and fuzzy memories aside, I think our little group will agree with me when I choose to categorize the remaining Bachelors into four categories: the good, the bad, the downright ugly and the departed.


The Good:
Ed - I won't explain in detail the amount that we were gushing over Ed last night. Suffice it to say that he rose (no pun intended, heh) very quickly to the top of our favorites list, and when he was speaking it was one of the only times throughout the night that we actually shut up. Because we were too busy blushing and giggling at the TV to say anything, besides the obligitory "I love him!" everytime they showed his face.
Jake - Still one of our frontrunners even though he wasn't really featured this episode. I still question his sincerity but he is a favorite of other members of our group so...
Jesse - Also not really featured too much this episode, but his Chris O'Donnell-looking mug deserves to stay around until the end if only for the fact that he is cute as a button! He better get an alone date next week.
Kiptyn - Although I still think that Kiptyn looks like a guy I happened to drunkenly make out with once at a jorts party and that he has big ears, again other members of the group seem to be fans, so here he remains.
Reid - Reid really started to show his personality this week, and he was JUST about to make a move on Jilli when Juan the Funky Homosapien chose that exact moment to interrupt. Come on, man! I want to see Reid in action! Fingers crossed for next week...
Robby - Despite the fact that he essentially admitted to not having kissed a woman in two years (how is that possible, by the way? I can't go two weekends without kissing someone...), we still think Robby is the poop.

The Bad:
Mark - Mark has solidified himself as "Who IS That Guy" in our group. Literally every time they showed his face one of us would scream that out, and we weren't even doing it to be funny. I mean, come on dude, get yourself out there, talk about the weather, pizza, SOMETHING!
Michael - I don't think that Michael is a match for Jillian, and that is why he appears in this category. However, he does serve as comedic relief throughout the episodes, and for that I am thankful... his stiff ape-lip impersonation of Brad's kiss with Jillian was not only accurate but hilarious.
Mike - I think unfortunately for Mike his speedo trick and recreation of Brokeback Mountain will be all that fills his 15 minutes of fame. Sorry, buddy.

The Ugly:
Douchebag Dave - I really don't think I need to fill too much space here with lamentations about this bull in a china shop and his seemingly endless supply of rage. I'll just leave you with some documentation of his face twitch that occurs when he is good and pissed:

Wowzers.

Juan the Funky Homosapien - So the majority of the group seem to think that Juan plays for the other team, but I am pretty sure that he is just asexual. Which is easier to picture, Juan masturbating to another man or him just masturbating to himself in the mirror? I choose option B. Also, Dave's main gripe against Juan is that he is there "for the wrong reasons." Dave, no, he is NOT there for the wrong reasons, he just happens to be a choch-bag, or a cheesedick, or what you would call a "cheeseass," ok? Don't get it confused.
Tanner P. - So obviously Tanner P.'s foot soliloquy was possibly the funniest moment of the season to date. The only thing that confused me about the toe suck dance was that in his modern dance movements of sucking toes, he made it appear that Jillian's toes were like, really, really, long. So now I can't stop picturing him sucking these really long toes, belonging to some creature out of a Roald Dahl book or something. I wonder what he would do if he knew I could pick up a roll of quarters with my foot...
Wes - In addition to being a total creeper (as well as a lyrics thief, which I will leave to you, DCBachelorFan), Wes is also boring, which I just realized this week. When he's not singing and my blood isn't boiling, he's talking and I'm snoring. Also I can't believe how effing NAIVE Jillian is being about this guy! I mean come on... "I want to play my song for you again." It's not so that he can make you swoon, Jilli, it's so that he can attract the attention of whatever record producer who maybe wasn't paying attention the FIRST 100 FUCKING TIMES HE PLAYED IT. Wake UP sister!! End rant.

The Departed:
Sasha - Alright, I feel really bad for this guy. Not only was his rejection the first "recession era" rejection we've seen on public transportation, but Jillian made a realllly bad decision eliminating this guy just because he hasn't been in love yet or whatever BS reason she used. That may be an understandable elimination to make if you are down to 10 or 5 or whatever, but when you have an entire stockpile of douchebags just begging for elimination back at the house?! Totes harsh, Jilli.
Brad - Peace be with you, sister kisser. I can promise this will be the last time I ever think of your gross face.
Tanner F. - Poor guy. Jillian didn't even give him a chance. And I will reiterate what I said about the stockpile of douches at the ready (reference "The Bad" and "The Ugly" above).

Hopefully next week our leading lady starts making some wiser decisions. I am not ready to give up on her yet, but I am just waiting for her otherwise great taste to start reflecting itself in her taste in men (ADORABLE onesie, by the way, Jilli!!). Next week looks to be quite a thrilling epidsode... who knows, perhaps this could even be the first "most dramatic rose ceremony EVER" this season! Which guys have girlfriends? Will Dave slit Juan's throat? Will Mike and Mike decide they like each other better than they like Jillian? Tune in next week to find out!

Quotes from Last Night

Some choice quotations from the show last night:

"You guys are gonna hang out in here without Jill while I go in the vault and have dinner with Wes." - Jillian explaining what was about to go down at the end of the scavenger hunt date. Ok, Jill, talking about yourself in the third person is the first step towards beginning to act like Deanna "It's All About Me" Pappas. PLEASE for the love of God try and stay grounded despite this unique situation. You are cute but you ain't all that and nothing is more of a turnoff than a girl with an overblown ego. Let's just keep this whole thing in perspective, sister.

"Yeah, I'd definitely like to get married at--" Jillian being interrupted by Jake kissing her in the middle of a sentence. I can't decide if that was cute or creepy. I think I'm coming down on the cute side of the fence, but there was something about it that was a little too contrived, and I'm not sold on Jake. A total hottie but seems a little too intense for having known Jillian for 2 days. This dude either has the marriage bug real bad or he just wants to "win" Jillian because he is competitive but doesn't end up actually liking her.

"It's not too early for a poem." - Juan, discussing strategy with the rest of the guys before their date. What?! I am going to go out on a limb here and say that it is always too early for a poem. Jill is no Trista; you can't get to her heart through some ill-rhyming verse you throw together. I hope that for Jill's sake this poem never comes to fruition. Juan is such a slick little creeper, I cannot wait until he is sent home. And in that same vein...

"He should go drown himself." - Dave in regards to Juan. This guy Dave has some serious rage issues, but I would be lying if I said we were not cracking up every time he opened his mouth. His incessant threats of violence to Juan were pretttty hilarious, albeit frightening (look at those crazy eyes! <-----). We also liked "If I could punch someone, it'd be Juan."

"I stopped focusing on what he was saying because I just wanted to make out with him." - Jillian in reference to Kiptyn. While on the one hand I commend Jill for going to what she wants and just leaning in to all these guys to make out, I would hate for the guys to be turned off by her being so forward. I am all for her gettin' it done, but perhaps she can sometimes let the men make the first move too.

"I'm hung like a light switch." - Brian describing his inch long-penis after taking a naked dive into the pool at the rose ceremony. This quote had us both laughing and confused. For a second we were like, wait is that good or bad? A light switch because it would turn her on? Or the literal size of a light switch, aka 1 inch? We realized that he must have meant size when Jilli gave him the boot last evening. A woman after my own heart, judging a guy harshly on penis size. Props, Jill!

Large feet, amazing insight...

Some of our most committed audience (thanks BM!), have read about our great friend with the large hoofs. Well until Monday, she has been hiding some of the zingers that make her so much fun to watch the Bachelor with. It has been said that I steal other people's material and if you had friends as funny as mine, so would you. So at this time, I bring you some of my favorite one-liners from other members of our Bachelor-watching clan.

"What kind of airline pilot is such a nerd that they use the term aviation?"

"Mathue looks like a retarded teddy bear."

"Jesse's eyes are a bit close together. Perhaps a sign of fetal alcohol syndrome. I mean, his family does own a vineyard." (But he is NO Andrew Firestone, that's for damn sure)

And finally, since when does someone who speaks English need SUBTITLES?? It's not like he was the Italian chick from Lorenzo's season in Italy who actually spoke a different language. This guy, while a bit oversized and somewhat creepy, speaks our language. Are Americans that dumb that we can not just listen a little harder or use the replay button on our DVRs to understand someone from where our mother tongue was created? Geesh. Off soapbox.

Taking notes...

Yes, literally. I take notes during the Bachelorette. And not like at work where I take notes to look like I'm super interested in a meeting about how to book conference room space in our office. I realized that the reason I take diligent notes during the Bachelorette (and Bachelor) is because I NEED to. I get too tipsy drinking wine with my other DC Bachelor Fans that if I didn't take notes, I wouldn't remember a damn thing. Which is why it took me a while to make this post. I mean, I can barely read my own hand writing. (See pic. I think the one note says, "Only foreigner, only giant." That is kind of funny actually. I wish I knew if I thought of that myself or stole that material from someone else. I cannot identify what I wrote next to the number I assume is a 15. Tanner P. perhaps?) And I usually have amazing penmanship. To the point where it looks slightly like a 12 year old girl's handwriting and sometimes people hold their breath to see if I'll dot my "i" with a heart...but I digress. Moving on to my assessment of the Bachelorette premier. The moment we all had been waiting for was a bit of a let down. I miss the days of Deanna announcing, "and if you win this challenge, you get to spend more time with me." She really did love herself. Jilli is much more laid back and undemanding of these men's attention. She needs to get a bit more feisty in order for this season to get back on track. A (male) friend of mine, also an avid watcher of the Bachelor, whose name will remain nameless, has often commented on the reason the Bachelorette is never as juicy as the Bachelor. His assessment is that guys are too laid back to get catty, gossip behind each other's backs, and generally create the drama we all know and love. Does this group of gentlemen have any of those qualities we need to keep our attention?

Who IS that guy?

Jillian has the whole girl-next-door thing down pat, and that's really why we love her. That and her incredible wardrobe are what make me want to be her friend. Maybe one day she'll let me borrow her pink gloves and we'll go to a Nitty Gritty Dirt Band concert.... So, its hard to blame her for making a few mistakes, since we've all been there at 4am with the beer goggles on; But at least we're not in for another season of "You're not paying enough attention to me" temper tantrums. So, yes - there were a few disappointments: The poor white dress choice, for one. Not only did the dress get ruined before the Bachelors even got there (not that they noticed), but it was also a little too Wedding Day symbolic for my taste; - there were a few great calls: Ed and Jake are warring for the title of My Favorite; I love these two almost as much as I love WHEAT THINS. But there were also a number of decisions which left me perplexed… and that's what worries me.

For at least 3 of the guys Jillian chose, I remember thinking "Who IS that guy?" Apparently at some point, Brad revealed that he was the avid pole-vaulter (see deleted scenes at EW); and I imagine that she and Reid connected over something, but I didn't see it. So, in theory, it was nice of ABC to give our gal Jill more men, but in reality, there was too much going on. Jill missed out on the creepy foot-fetish signals from Tanner P., and we missed out on whatever seemingly hilarious conversation about being a foreigner that Jill might have had with Simon. To make matters worse, four guys aren't even going to get to go on dates next week. How is a person supposed to find love on national television in 13 weeks without a little QT?

Sadly, No Disco Ball Trophy For Melissa

Former Bachelor contestant Melissa received third place on the Dancing With the Stars finale last night. I will now admit that I have been loosely following this show this season since Melissa was on it and I do feel bad for her and wish her the best. Even though she got third place, I guess on the bright side at least she didn't get first place and then get demoted to second place 6 weeks later? Congratulations, Melissa! Your dances were always spot-on and you looked fabulous, if at times a little vampire-ish (and your partner was constipated)!

First Impressions

Dearest Jillian,

I agree with the overarching theme from the season premiere last night - people deserve a second chance before you judge them based solely on your first impression of them. So, just as you forgave Douchebag Dave for his embarassing, cringe-worthy first impression and gave him the First Impression Rose, so will I forgive you and your show for the sour first impression I have been left with.

Forgivings aside, Jill (or should I call you Jilli, an apparent new nickname that our buddy Chris Harrison has coined), - WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?! Seriously, you sent at least 2 (maybe 3, maybe 4, depending on your opinion) guys packing who had some real potench! Obviously we know I am mainly talking about Caleb here, but Bryce was a cutie, some people seemed to like Kyle's hipster jacket/pants/shoes, and despite the fact that John H. looked at times like he wanted to eat your face, he was adorable. Big mistake(s). Huge.

I would think that in a group of THIRTY men, when all you need to do is send home TEN, this job should be pretty easy. If it were me, I would just get hammered - a task you seemed to excel in, actually - and let my beer goggles do the choosing... as in, just send home the 10 guys who, even once you are significantly drunk, you still don't want to make out with. Easy enough right? But I will give you props for giving Stephen the boot... I don't know if there's enough wine or vodka or even roofies that would get me drunk enough to want to make out with that guy. Receding hairline, inflated unnecessary ego and an annoying New York accent? That's a dealbreaker, ladies!

Anyway, I guess the damage is done and I'll quit dwelling on the past (but if you ever speak to Caleb again, seriously tell him to email me - dcbachelorfans (at) gmail (dot) com). Besides the fact that you're left with half the male population of Texas and two guys named Tanner, I do think there are some gems in the group. So don't eff this one up, ok? I don't care how nice or sweet a guy is, you should still want to dry hump him in a hot tub, right? Let's keep the rest of the hotties around - no need to make a Deanna-esque mistake and end up with an unattrative stoner just because he was nice to you. Here is our list, in no order of preference, of favorites for you:

Ed - Seemingly innocent and sweet, and easy on the eyes
Jake - Despite the fact he is a pilot and one member of our group seems to think pilot = cheater, he is a hottie
Jesse - Chris O'Donnel lookalike AND the owner of a vineyard? Yes, please
Mark - Well, we just really like pizza

...And that's all I can really remember at this point because by the end of the show we were in the midst of a heated debate about what is better, Triscuits or Wheat Thins? Unfortunately this debate ended in a tie and we STILL do not have a definitive answer. Feel free to weigh in with your vote and set the record straight.

Until next week,
LATBachelorFan